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01/13 - approx. weight: 136 - my love

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01/13 - approx. weight: 136 - thank you Bikram Yoga

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01/13 - approx. weight: 136 - holy crap, this is happening!

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My name is Helen and I'm a college graduate living in Portland, Oregon. I'm a Montessori primary teacher and in the summer time, I work for a youth travel company in India.

In 2009, I went to India with my college and came back very skinny. The semester after that I wrote my thesis and ate a lot of chips. I put on a good 20 pounds proof-reading alone. And that was just in 2010. After graduating that spring, I proceeded to drink tons of wine and eat the cupcakes from the shop where I worked and all of the sudden I was 180lbs.

But now all my favorite clothes don't fit and I'm fighting body image shame. I want to wear my tutu without feeling uncomfortable, and I want to be naked with my boyfriend without thinking about the way my belly hangs.

I've been with Spark since 2006, through thick and thin. Sometimes I've posted daily and used this site like my own personal holy text, and I've also gone months without even checking in. But I know it's been useful for me before, so let's do this again, Spark. Let's do it.


I used to have a long schpeel about how I've struggled with weight loss and eating disorders for a long time, but looking at it every time I come to this page had become really depressing. I feel that those negative memories have made me resentful toward conventional efforts at creating a more healthy lifestyle. So, I have deleted all of that, and if you'd like to know more about my sorted history with weight loss and eating disorders, please feel free to just ask.

Member Since: 10/6/2006

Fitness Minutes: 17,550

My Goals:
130lbs has been my weight goal for 10 years - since the first time I tried to lose weight at 14. Now I am so close; I will be there so soon. This is the least I've weighed post-puberty. The last time I remember being 130lbs, I think I was 10, and I remember being devastated. But that is behind me now.

I feel like none of this is real. Who is this woman? She can't wait to wear a bathing suit. She fits into a size 6. She is confident; she feels beautiful. She is strong in so many ways now. This burden of shame over my body is gone, because I've taken initiative and taken myself where I want to be.

My goal now, and when I reach 130, is to keep attention on my body. I aim not to become so contented that I begin to ignore my body and its needs and ultimately begin to gain back the weight I've worked so hard to lose.

This is who I am now.

My Program:
Monitor eating daily

Bikram Yoga 5x/week

Keep attention on my body


Stay positive

Personal Information:
Coast to Coast to Coast.

Other Information:
My Favorite Bands:
- Elliott Smith
- The Black Keys
- Led Zeppelin
- The Beatles
- The Pixies
- Franz Ferdinand
- Sufjan Stevens
- Devendra Banhart
- The White Stripes
- The Raconteurs
- The Smiths
- Of Montreal
- The Avett Brothers
- Camera Obscura

Read More About CAKEFORBFAST - Profile Information moved here. (Updated February 25)

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 current weight: 144.5 
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  • v no profile image COLLEEN_BALEEN
    hello friend,

    wow, we sound like the same person!! i love writer adn want to be a writer professionally as well! hey my advice for now is to focus on your goals - not for weight loss but for your life and things that are essentially more important. you'll be fine - as soon as healthy eating and portion control becomes habit, you won't need to focus on food as much. THINK POSITIVELY!!!! you can do it!!

    5101 days ago
    I just wanted to stop by and say hello. I read your story and I admire your dedication to losing weight in a healthy manner. You have been though a lot and I wish you nothing but the best in your journey.

    5102 days ago
    Thanks for you encouragement and your kind words. It's been a very long and hard struggle during this "journey" (or what I like to call it my highway through hell). Motivation hasn't always been present (like now, I'm severely lacking motivation and energy) and sometimes I just made myself workout even though I absolutely didn't want to. I found that the only time I got discouraged is when I'd lose motivation and/or energy and not workout my smaller clothes would not fit as it once did resorting me to go to a bigger size. Then disappointment would kick me in the arse and then I'd start all over again. It's taken me years to lose the weight but this time it's not coming back on.

    We sound like we have similiar diet histories and similiar goals. I also love the fact that you love Smashing Pumpkins...they're my favorite!

    Hope you have a happy ending to your "diet story" since it is possible, it only matters on how much you want it
    5102 days ago
  • v MISSDAWN27
    thanks for the sweet comment,
    your right about the skinny jeans...that would be way better then any pizza! lol for the moment it might taste good, but id rather look good!
    i added you as a friend...
    gosh you were only in grade 5 when you hurd that...thats sad kids can be so mean. but i feel ya about the not being skinny but not being fat....stuck in the middle lol ...
    anywho...keep it up, you'll do great!
    5102 days ago
    Welcome to the team and congradulations on you weight loss!!!
    5102 days ago
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