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just my thoughts for the day

Thursday, February 14, 2008

Well, Madie's surgery went very well yesterday. We got home around 9AM and slept for a few hours. I sure let things go downhill after that. I was a little stressed (she's been clingy). I had nothing healthy to eat yesterday. I hit three "off-limits food groups": salt, sugar, soda. I got something quick to eat since she wanted to stay in bed all day with momma by her side. I grabbed nachos (so much salt). Then later I was tempted with cake. And I figured it couldn't get any worse, so I had a rootbeer. I said today would be better. Then my mom sent Daisy's chocolates.

So, tomorrow I will do better with eating. At least it only lasted two days instead of a week. I hope to work on cleaning out that room. I want a new piece of equipment and haven't decided what. I'd like a treadmill, an elliptical, and a total gym. I have the bowflex and now a stroller, so of the three I'd probably choose an elliptical. But first I need to work on that room!

Wow! I am having a complete meltdown right now. With no one to talk to, I will just vent here! I just can't do this anymore. My baby needs me and everyone around here is demanding so much from me right now: "Can you do my taxes?" "Can I get a ride to school?" "What's for dinner?" "Did you pack my lunch?" "Don't forget to fax that letter to the bank!" on top of dishes stacking up and the baby screaming. I am officially going on a housecleaning strike! I mean, I am a stay at home mom, so I should be able to do this. But Madie has been so clingy since her surgery. And no one in this household cares. I give Kyle credit. He works 60+ hours in a normal week and has picked up 2 extra 12 hour shifts last week, making it 84+ hours in one week with only one day off. I don't blame him for any of this. Now Jeni (age 21) does work full time and goes to school full time. But she is taking such simple classes like "Outdoor Photography" and "Intro to Horsemanship" so its not like she comes home and has hours of homework. Plus, she doesn't HAVE to work full time. She literally has NO bills, and she makes $17.50/hour. If she wanted a little extra money, she would be just fine working part time. The only reason she works full time is because there is a guy she likes that she works with. She comes home yesterday, and I was in the kitchen (the only time I had been away from Madie all day) and she asked, "So what did you make for dinner?" Holy freakin' cow! I spent the entire morning at the hospital and the entire day with my baby who is still wacked out on anesthesia (not sleepy-wacked out, onory-moody-crying wacked out). What is wrong with you making dinner FOR ONCE? She got all pissed off at me. That was yesterday. Today I made dinner. She ate, threw her plate in the sink, and was in bed at 7:30 PM. Thanks for leaving me to clean up dinner, put it away, and do the dishes (like every other night), so YOU can go to bed early (once again, 7:30). And for why? She doesn't have school or work tomorrow. She was just tired. Well, don't ya think I'm tired too? It would make my day to be in bed before midnight. Between bathing the baby, changing the baby, rocking the baby, feeding the baby, dishes, cleaning up the house, making sure I know what I am going to make for dinner the next day, etc, no matter how hard I try, I'm always up well past 2 AM. Then, I'm up all night (at least every two hours) and have to get up early enough to make sure Kyle has a lunch packed before he goes to work. I hardly sleep. I do all the cooking, all the cleaning, all the shopping, etc. Well, I am just...a lot of things. I'm hurt that no one cares. Hurt that no one wants to help when they can see I am stressed. Angry that even though I have asked for help, I get excuses about school and work. Then to top off my evening, my mom announced she was moving in. I would love to have my mom here. She could help out. HOWEVER, she will be getting a job full time while I babysit her 7 and 4 yr olds. I just see it as more stress. I'll have to be up early to get the older one off to school. Then chasing my overly active four year old brother is really going to be the end of me. I can't tell my mom no. She really has no other option. She is going through a nasty divorce and moving from another state. She needs a place to stay until she finds a place of her own. She is trying to buy a house, but because of the divorce, who knows if that is even possible. Then, I just realized I have red dots all over my legs. A friend of mine who is a nurse, told me they were leaking capillaries caused by over stressing the legs (or being on them too much). She said I probably shouldn't work out and keep my feet up as much as possible. I cannot see a dr because I don't have health/medical insurance. So now I can't even exercise, as if I had the time to anyway. That is usually the only thing that makes me feel better!

My daughter is now screaming. That didn't take long. I sure enjoyed my five minutes of peace. Now I am going to go cry along with her. Thanks for listening! Have a nice day.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • LILEM103
    Wow! You sure are going through a lot! I know how stressful life can be sometimes, and I hope that things have slowed down for you a little bit by this afternoon! Sometimes it feels better just to let things out, I hope you feel a little bit better after that blog! It is okay to feel stressed, overwhelmed, and underappreciated - everyone goes through those emotions. Your family members are so lucky to have you around, and whether or not they admit it, I'm sure they know it! You are one special person to care so much for so many others!!!
    4871 days ago
    You are doing an awful lot for a first time mom. I'm sure your sister has NO idea what it's like. Boy will she appreciate what you've done when she has her first bundle of joy. Just b/c you don't work doesn't obligate you to care for 6 other people. I'm going to send you a spark mail... hope today is better.
    4871 days ago
    Cut yourself some slack! Your little one just had surgery! It's ok to be a little stressed in that situation - normal, in fact! =) Hope she's feeling better soon...
    4872 days ago
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