World on my Shoulders
Monday, March 31, 2008
I have always been the type person, to care about others before myself. But since having kids, its gone to a whole new extreme. Now that I am also getting married, I am having to balance being a mother, a wife, and me. I used to love to party or have fun, but Im not in that place in my life anymore like my friends are. Im not into going out to hook up or get drunk. I like the simple things in life. But Im feeling like Im losing my zest. Before I had kids, I went camping, hiking, rock climbing, skating, dancing, ETC. I was a cheerleader, a dancer, a model, a Girl Scout, a majorette. I play soft ball and basketball. I used to love outdoors and being active. I want my children to enjoy these things and their mother who had a zest for adventure and life. Its been about everyone else for so long, Ive lost myself. Im so busy trying to please everyone, I let myself go. I used to always dress up, and after a very hard hitting occurance in high school, I rarely dress up now. And then being uncomfortable with my body even more has made it worse. Im just so tired of it being about everyone else. I havent even been able to enjoy planning my wedding , because of all of this. Im tired and worn out, and not happy. I just want to be happy, and still be a great mom and wife but still be me. But my unhappiness is causing me to not be any of this. Im hurting people's feelings left and right, then feel guilty even if what I said wasnt all false. But I feel their guilt fr bringing it the light. I feel like the world lies on my shoulders and I cant count on anyone to help lift it off. I feel alone, no matter how many people surround me. I just feel everything and Its exhausting.