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my life is falling apart!

Friday, April 18, 2008


My depression has gotten so bad lately, I just have to "talk" to someone and there's no one really to talk to, so I'm writing it down.

I graduated high school six years ago weighing 50 lbs less than I do today. FIFTY POUNDS! I'm tired of looking in the mirror and seeing the fat girl. Anymore, I find myself avoiding mirrors all together. I hate my body. Other than my daughter, I hate my life. Its worthless and pointless and it totally sucks. I hate that my sisters can share clothes and look cute, knowing that I can't fit into their clothes. I hate that my sisters can just go out and run or workout anytime they want, while I have to check the weather, bundle up the baby, get out the stroller, etc just to go on a walk. I hate that I have asthma and it restricts me from doing a lot of the exercising that I want to do. If I weren't breastfeeding, I would secretly go back to bulimia. But I hate that I HAVE to eat to make milk.

I AM TIRED OF CRYING ALL THE TIME.

So tomorrow I talk to a counselor about my post partum depression. My dr diagnosed me with it back in November, but I never did anything about it because I am not working, therefore, not only do I not have medical insurance to help pay for any treatment, I also don't have the income. But I can't take it anymore!!! It was actually my mom who called for me. She found me a program that is based on your income. I'm really nervous talking to someone, a stranger, about my problems. But I can't do this anymore.

So, wish me luck! I hope this guy can give me the help I need.

And just a clarification: I don't blame my baby for my problems. I love Madison more than anything. Yes, my life is restricted now, but I wouldn't change having her one bit. I love her so much. She is my reason for living anymore and the only thing that can make me smile. I have no regrets.

(The picture I posted was taken of me and Madie on Sunday. I HATE it because I am so huge!!! Maybe I can use it as a motivator someday... right now nothing motivates me. Oh, and I also hate my hair. Its getting chopped Tuesday)
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • BRIGHTBOW
    I love your picture. I think you both look pretty! And I LOVE your hair... but I totally understand about how nice it is to get it cut.

    I also know you have the drive and commitment to reach your goals. It seems like you have so much going on right now... something has to give, know what I mean?

    I also understand it must be hard to live with your sisters for the reasons you mentioned. Taking care of little ones is hard and a lot of times thankless. Sometimes I just want some one else to 'get it' too, although having my kids is the best blessing ever.
    4770 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1627119
    Amanda,

    Please don't give up. I am happy that you are seeking some counseling to help deal w/ depression. I hope that you can also find some other supportive people to help keep you on track. The "Dealing With Depression" SparkPeople group has been helpful to me when I need to "vent".

    By the way, I think you are BEAUTIFUL, even w/ a little extra weight -- and so is your daughter! Your hair is gorgeous! Remember that others do not always see you in the same negative light that you see yourself in when you are depressed!

    With love,
    Dawn
    4772 days ago
  • SEMPER_APRICIS
    Amanda,
    DON'T GIVE UP!!! You have what it takes to get through this. Maybe don't worry about your weight right now. Focus on one thing at a time. Your mental health is most important right now. The rest can be dealt with later. I'm glad you found someone to help you get through this--and sometimes it's better if it's a stranger (especially if that stranger is a doctor!) since you might be able to be more honest and open with someone outside of your own circle.

    We are here if you need us. And we're cheering you on, for sure! Take care of YOU and little Madie!

    emoticon , Ruth
    4772 days ago
  • JSHANEY1
    Do not feel bad about talking to someone. We are not the independent beings that we believe we are. The fact is, is that we need people. I don't mean that we always need a significant other, I mean that we need people to help us through our problems. I know, I fought anxiety and depression for years "by myself" to the point that I was going to go nuts!. Express your self to the counselor and get all of this negativity off your shoulders, you deserve to be happy. As soon as you are able, they have medicine that is non addictive and does wonders for your emotions, they help you to cope and prep yourself to handle the everyday stresses of life, and you can quit taking them (under a doctors care) when you believe you are ready. Having a baby is stressful, beautiful, miraculous, extraordinary, wonderful, but stressful. Help yourself, fight your inhibitions about talking to a counselor, and let go. Cry, laugh, be angry, but get it off of your chest. Don't let depression win, it cannot, you won't let it! Please feel free to check out my page, and contact me by email if you wish. I know what depression is and I have learned that dealing with it is the first step. Hang In there girl! You can do it!

    By the way, you have a beautiful baby, and you are a beautiful young lady, I can tell by your blog, both inside and out.

    Good Luck and God Bless,

    Jim
    4772 days ago
  • FITANDSEXY45
    You have to value yourself as a person, never allow any negativity to take over your life. God has given you a wonderful daughter so for now you hold your head up and love the person you are. No matter how you look you have to embrace yourself and then the changes will come. emoticon
    4772 days ago
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