taking it one day at a time
Sunday, April 20, 2008
Thanks so much for all the support I've gotten!!!
Its been getting better. I think I hit an all time low when I was at Wal-Mart the other day and I just couldn't stop crying. For a good five minutes I was just bawling and people were staring at me and I didn't care, I just kept crying.
I thought that talking to the therapist that day would actually be my first session, but it turns out it was just to set it up. So I still haven't actually talked to anyone about my problems. And they couldn't get me in until May 7. But I was told taking Vitamin B can help you feel better, so I started that. And I also have been walking, which has helped. Except for today, it was too windy! I am still really down, for the most part, but I think I've made it 24 hours without crying, which is huge for me!!!! I did have one set-back on Friday. I've been watching what I eat by recording it in a "food diary". I did really good that day. I made beef stroganoff for dinner and after everyone ate, I put the leftovers away. Then when everyone went to bed, I finished it off. I rationalized that no one my house will eat left overs except me. So its just going to sit in the fridge for days until it goes bad and I will just throw it away or I could eat it so I won't be wasting money, which I don't really have right now. So I ate. Then after I felt so guilty that for the first time in eight years, I did exactly what I had been trying so hard not to do, I had purged. A part of me felt better because it wasn't just the food I was letting go of, it was also the feelings of frustration. I don't want to do that again. I remember what I went through to get away from bulimia and I just don't want to do it again. Yesterday I made enchilladas. I have acid reflux and I can't throw up enchilladas without hurting really bad. So I was good yesterday. Then today, I made dinner at my moms house, ate a small plate, and came home. It saves me from binging which only leads to purging. I can't believe I'm actually writing all this down...publicly. But it helps to get it out. When I was going through counciling years ago for my bulimia, they had me keep a journal of my thoughts and I got that out and it really reminded me that I do not want to go back to that lifestyle. One thing they taught me was to eat a lot of small meals/snacks throughout the day. My problem was/is that I starve all day, eating just one or two small meals then by evening, I get so hungry that I eat anything and everything and never get satisfied. Then I purge. Well, our bodies are like cars (this is what they taught me in counciling). If we run all day on "empty" and then try to fill up at the end of the day, we're going to have to fill up an empty tank with a lot of fuel. But if we go throughout the day constantly putting in small amounts, we will never run on empty and feel the urge to "fill up" with huge amounts at a time. So, right now my main goal is to eat 200-300 calories every 2-3 hours. I also want to try to walk everyday, weather permitting. And as for my problem with the leftovers, I've decided I will freeze what I can in 1 serving size proportions. Its harder to eat if I have to thaw it out, and even then hopefully I can have enough self control to only thaw out one serving. My mom has realized how hard things have gotten for me and has found other arrangements for a babysitter. Her younger kids have also moved out of my house. So now it is just myself, Madison, Kyle (23) and Jeni (21). No more teenagers or 2nd grade homework for me!!! That will help so much. The other two are old enough to take care of themselves, for the most part. Oh, and I've lost 3 lbs!!! I haven't changed too much in my lifestyle (until the past three days), so I am hoping that it is the breastfeeding finally starting to pay off.
Anyway, this blog is long enough for today! Thanks again for everyone being so supportive. I love you guys!!!