The End of living in Denial
Saturday, August 30, 2008
Well, I am doing a challenge in one of my teams and I have to send in my measurements to compare them from when I first began. I had them taken and I was weighed (secretly, of course, I turn my back to the scale and only my Curves lady knows what I weigh - I pay her to keep quiet. She just tells me how many lbs I have lost.) Anyway, I forgot to get the numbers from her, so I called today to get them and she was not in. I had another lady pull my measurements and I told her firmly, "measurements ONLY" - at the end she told me my weight and I said I wasn't supposed to know that and she said, oh well - sorry. She has no idea how much knowing those 3 little numbers ( or BIG numbers) has affected me. I KNOW that it is good that I know - I can't live in denial any longer - now I know the task at hand.
So now I sit here between motivated and completely distraught and trying not to cry (it's not working). I had lost 10 lbs and was THRILLED to find out I had only put back on 3 when I was out of town for almost 3 weeks on vacation - I was so afraid it had been more. So I started working out again when I got back into town, trying to whittle away some more of this weight. Now, the task seems so monumental and daunting - that I am devastated - how did I let myself get here - what happened to me? I know it can be fixed but it is going to take so long. Help I am depressed! I am determined to beat this - but I am soooo sad right now.
(1 hour later - the swelling on my eyes has gone down, so I can now continue writing)
Now I have to get a game plan together. I was so good when I started and stayed "on plan" for the most part. I continued to work out but got burned out after 2 months so I cut working out from 2 hrs/ 6 days a week down to 45 min/ 5 days a week - but I still kept going, now I realize that's just not going to do it for me. I am going back to my old trusty white board and writing everything down and what my game plan is for the month. I have some favorite quotes and the best is: If you always do what you've always done - you'll always be what you always been. I haven't always been like this -not at all - but I don't want to be this way for the rest of my life.
I am over the crying and I am ready to pick myself up and move on. My weight is now out in the open and I can no longer hide from the number - I need to remember it doesn't make me who I am - but unfortunately I have let it dictate who I have become. But no more - I am created in the image of Christ and I need to be a good steward of what He has given me.
I will now sit here for the next couple of hours and get my act together. I will get my journal out, go through my workouts and start writing down my plan for the rest of the year. I have always been successful in everything that I have done - so why is this so hard? I now realize I need to change my attitude - change my attitude and I'll change my world! I now have a plan and I will be successful!