A letter to my bumps and bulges:
For many years now, we have been attached to one another. I always noticed you were there, but I didn’t pay much attention to how much you were growing. Sometimes your increase in size caught my attention, but there was always something more important for me to think about.
The other day, though, I took a good long look at how much you have invaded my body and my life…and I am not happy about it. When I was depressed or stressed out, you took advantage of my emotions and crept into places I had never allowed you to be- my tummy, my arms…
you even made my ankles disappear!
You kept increasing in size…but you did it slowly, one pound at a time, so I didn’t notice how much damage you were doing. Before I knew it, though, my extra few pounds of baby weight gain had turned into 50 pounds of PERMANENT bumps and bulges. I hardly recognize the reflection in the mirror anymore!
You have been a comfort for me at times- giving me a reason to hide and a reason to be quiet in my life. You have given me an excuse for not trying new things, and not challenging my spirit when I needed it. I have used humor to explain your existence when I was embarrassed to admit you were there because of my lack of discipline. I hid behind you. For a long time, I thought it was OK to do that. You gave me a reason to set my personal bar so low.
Because of you, I get out of breath when I run up the stairs to answer the telephone. Because of you, I dread the warm weather and swim suit season, and I hide in my baggy sweats. Because of you, I clutch my large handbag and sit it on my lap wherever I go so that I can hide this body I am not proud of. Because of you, I don’t try to look my best and I don’t show the world how much I really care about myself and my life. Because of you, I am always afraid of what is happening to my health as I get older, and I am sad about the example I am setting for my children.
Because of you, “Obese” is not word that belongs to other people anymore…it is a word that accurately describes me.
Luckily for me, I realize that true joy and happiness do not come from a number on the scale or a size tag in my clothing. I have so much joy and love in my life that I hardly realized what you were trying to do. I was so immersed in the everyday living as a mom, wife, daughter, sister and friend that my appearance was never really much of a priority- it was my character that I was proud of. As long as my kids and family were OK, I was OK! All that time, though, you were creeping in, slowly robbing me of my inner security, my confidence, and my health. I didn’t realize it, but as I got heavier and heavier, the weight of you and what you mean in my life was weighing down my spirit. You have made me feel that I have become less than I am meant to be because I had given in…and sadly, I had given up. I felt helpless- destined to carry you around forever.
But, none of that is good enough anymore. It is time I tell you- I want you to leave! I really don’t want you here anymore!
I deserve to be vibrant and full of energy. I want to push myself to be all that I am meant to be…and part of that is being a healthy, strong woman.
I deserve to carry my head high and feel proud of how my outside is looking! Although I am a huge believer that the inside is what counts more than anything, I am a realist and know that the outside tells a story about me as well! I want to know that the vibrancy and energy I feel about my life shine through…all the way through…to my outside. I want to feel like I don’t have to hide..behind a handbag, behind baggy sweats, or behind my humor to cover up how I feel about what you have done to my body. I want my children to look at me and know that as much as I care about and love them, I have love for myself too. I deserve to be confident and in control.
Bumps and bulges,
you have finally met your match! I am not your prisoner anymore! I am going to free myself of you….because underneath the layers of you on my body is my beautiful body…just itching to free itself! As I lift off the weight of your pounds, the weight of the shadow you have put on my spirit will disappear as well.
I will use each workout, each healthy meal as a chisel, and my inner strength will be the hammer, and I will chisel away at you one small bit at a time, until you are gone. You crept into my life when I wasn’t paying attention…and I know it will not be easy to get you to go. But I need you to understand- I REALLY WANT THIS! I really want to be free of you!
I have no room left for you- not in my jeans….not in my life!
LET THE CHISELING BEGIN!