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10 1/2 weeks out! (and a little peak into my crazy mind)

Wednesday, July 01, 2009

I have some more decisions to make, and some more mental growth and challenges ahead of me.

The other day I found out who I'll be posing with. My insecurities really decided to come out with this, more than I expected. I'm realizing there needs to be some balancing with my competitive nature. But I'm also seeing that my competitive nature partly comes from my insecurities. I'm going to be working on bringing this to a centered position.

I still have this other side of me that is trying to undermind my progress and what I deserve - so to speak.

The rational side says, "WOW! Look what you've accomplished! 85+ lbs burned. Who knows how many lbs of muscle actually added, not to mention all the hours of hard work it took to accomplish this. Wow to all the mental growth that's taken place and amazing I'm inspiring others as I always hoped to do one day. Incredible you've become a NASM certified personal trainer and maybe finally found your career path - 33 years later! WOW"

Then the irrational side: "whooooa.... look at those stretchmarks! I hope you don't humiliate yourself. Wow, now look at HER, she looks amazing. You want to compete with her? She belongs here, you?" And as if those thoughts (fears) aren't enough, others' comments have been added to the fire, "judges are looking for a softer appearance." "You have too much muscle." These thoughts/comments just add to the whole thought of humiliating myself.


I said once, and still believe strongly, that I'm done hiding! I'm done letting these voices (fears) take over and dictate what I do or don't do. That's no way to live life, and I REFUSE to do it anymore. Unfortunately I can't just flick a switch and fix this irrational belief system I have/had. So I work on changing it DAILY. That's what I'm doing with these thoughts.

My focus - my bottom line - is, WOW! Look at what I've done with myself, my LIFE! I am sooooo proud of myself. I wish everyone could feel the way I do. When I get on stage to compete in my first figure competition it's going to be amazing. The main goal for my first show is to conquer my fears and always limiting myself. As I stand there I hope my story is infectious to others.

I'm seeing my scars (stretchmarks) as actually being quite amazing when I think of how they remind me where I've come from. It's not just about being overweight. As others have noted, there is so much more going on within me, as a person. The changes are profound. It's actually.... quite beautiful. I can look at these scars honoring them more and more each day. They remind me to never turn back and appreciate how hard I've worked to get where I am, and to never belittle my accomplishments.

Bottom line is, my irrational fears have no place in my life anymore.

Speaking of stretch marks, I'm still using the home remedy technique and I have to say I think I'm seeing improvements. I'll be posting my next progress pic at 155 lbs, 5lbs away. At that time the scars should also show up lighter if what I'm seeing is actually occuring. ;)

I have a little over 10 weeks left! My weight loss slowed quite a bit and after being sick it put me behind. I'm upset about that but still pushing forward. I tweaked the diet and cardio to help pick the pace up again.

Posing practice will officially start in about 2 weeks. I was thinking about getting video and posting it. Not sure if sparkpeople allows it, but...

I'm really trying to stay focused and centered. Because of that I've found I've been a little... NO, a LOT self-absorbed.

Full steam ahead!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • CAROLYN1213
    I have to add you as a friend! This is exactly where I am at today! No, I'm not a bb or a figure comp, but I have lost 85lbs. in the past year and have just started working with a sports nutritionists to help me build more lean muscle and lower my body fat %. Then, I look at the now pic of me in a two piece posing for my 'before' pics, and I see all the stretch marks on my lower belly and thighs and I think, what am I doing? How did I allow my body to get so out of shape in the first place? I have these little moments of body image crisis and knowing that you have experienced that and have gone on to compete and look fabulous doing it, inspires and encourages me! THANKS!
    4082 days ago
    I had yhe same insecurities as you... "I'm ready!" "No, I'm NOT ready!" It's just a journey... enjoy the experience... Mine, like your was a BEAUTIFUL time! I learned so much about myself: my self discipline, my work ethic and my motivation!

    And just remember... once you compete, you become one of the 3% of the population that can ever say they competed in a Fitness Competition! How's that for bragging rights???

    PS... The judges are really tough to figure out, and don't worry about what everyone says about you being "too muscular"... once you lean out, dehydrate and are fully carb depleted... you WILL most likely look much smaller!!! (I know I DID!!)

    Enjoy the journey! 10 weeks to go! emoticon
    4393 days ago
    You sound exactly like me! "I am freakin awesome!"... "Who do I think I am? I don't belong with them!" you will keep thinking that right up until showtime :) Just remember that everyone had a first time up on stage and they are all worrying about the same things you are.
    4407 days ago
  • KAREN7360
    The crazy mind at work is with everyone and that is something that will never change. I competed at age 52 and just did my last comp this year at age 55. Right from the start I did not go into the comp's looking for where I placed - I went in with the complete and sincere thought that it was spectacular that I was able to do it. I think that is so key - just be proud of who you are, what you are and all that you have accomplished. Don't make it a day of competing with someone else - just make it YOUR DAY to be proud!!
    4407 days ago
    Thank you for saying what you did, it actually makes me feel that there are others who are going through the same self defeating thoughts. I am much like you actually. I have just begun the process. I am almost a certified Personal Trainer. I didnt want to start until I was fit and beautiful, but then I thought you know it's time to do what I have always dreamed of doing know matter what I weigh. Just like you going and competing, and going through the stretch marks. I really thought that I would be the fat one at school, and you know it really doesnt matter. I have learned so much at school, and compared to where I was, I have come along way. I havnt lost weight but I have learned a lot personally and emotionally, and come to think of it I havnt gained either. I know that I am a Personal Trainer and that this is part of who I am purposed to be. It really is all about the voices in our heads, and the fear....... of what I am not sure......I am so glad that you said it, it so touched me. I know you will accomplish your goal, and like you said, look at where you have come from. Your thoughts sure sound the same as mine. I know I will also accomplish what I am supposed too, just look where we came from!! CONGRATS!!!! How long did it take you to lose the weight?
    4407 days ago
    I did my first competition at 55 years old. Because of all the yo-yo dieting I have done in my life, I have excess skin on my stomach. It sticks out like a hernia. I was really self conscious about this. Also, even though everything else looked like it was coming along there was the area of my butt. After 40 years of sitting on it, it was not competition ready, up and perky.

    I signed-up to compete in the 45 and 35+. On the day of competition, I was thought I was totally out of place. These women where beautiful, fit, posed, experienced and YOUNG. My posing was really bad, practice, practice and practice. If you can get to a posing coach, I strongly recommend it. After the first round, I was so discouraged that I did not even come back for the finals, assuming that I was in last place.

    After I had the nerves to look at the stats, I placed 8th out of 16th for the 35+ group and 8th out of 9th for the 45+ group. You never know what the judge is looking for and I was my worst judge. I am going to compete again in December and I am trying to improve my weak areas, taking a posing class and build more muscle. There is nothing short of getting plastic surgery to remove the excess skin on my stomach but that maybe something to look into next year.

    Go for it...All you can do is what you can do and that is it. Like my trainer told me, do not compare yourself against the young women. Just look at your accomplishments and be proud to walk the stage.

    Good luck.
    4408 days ago
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