10 1/2 weeks out! (and a little peak into my crazy mind)
Wednesday, July 01, 2009
I have some more decisions to make, and some more mental growth and challenges ahead of me.
The other day I found out who I'll be posing with. My insecurities really decided to come out with this, more than I expected. I'm realizing there needs to be some balancing with my competitive nature. But I'm also seeing that my competitive nature partly comes from my insecurities. I'm going to be working on bringing this to a centered position.
I still have this other side of me that is trying to undermind my progress and what I deserve - so to speak.
The rational side says, "WOW! Look what you've accomplished! 85+ lbs burned. Who knows how many lbs of muscle actually added, not to mention all the hours of hard work it took to accomplish this. Wow to all the mental growth that's taken place and amazing I'm inspiring others as I always hoped to do one day. Incredible you've become a NASM certified personal trainer and maybe finally found your career path - 33 years later! WOW"
Then the irrational side: "whooooa.... look at those stretchmarks! I hope you don't humiliate yourself. Wow, now look at HER, she looks amazing. You want to compete with her? She belongs here, you?" And as if those thoughts (fears) aren't enough, others' comments have been added to the fire, "judges are looking for a softer appearance." "You have too much muscle." These thoughts/comments just add to the whole thought of humiliating myself.
I said once, and still believe strongly, that I'm done hiding! I'm done letting these voices (fears) take over and dictate what I do or don't do. That's no way to live life, and I REFUSE to do it anymore. Unfortunately I can't just flick a switch and fix this irrational belief system I have/had. So I work on changing it DAILY. That's what I'm doing with these thoughts.
My focus - my bottom line - is, WOW! Look at what I've done with myself, my LIFE! I am sooooo proud of myself. I wish everyone could feel the way I do. When I get on stage to compete in my first figure competition it's going to be amazing. The main goal for my first show is to conquer my fears and always limiting myself. As I stand there I hope my story is infectious to others.
I'm seeing my scars (stretchmarks) as actually being quite amazing when I think of how they remind me where I've come from. It's not just about being overweight. As others have noted, there is so much more going on within me, as a person. The changes are profound. It's actually.... quite beautiful. I can look at these scars honoring them more and more each day. They remind me to never turn back and appreciate how hard I've worked to get where I am, and to never belittle my accomplishments.
Bottom line is, my irrational fears have no place in my life anymore.
Speaking of stretch marks, I'm still using the home remedy technique and I have to say I think I'm seeing improvements. I'll be posting my next progress pic at 155 lbs, 5lbs away. At that time the scars should also show up lighter if what I'm seeing is actually occuring. ;)
I have a little over 10 weeks left! My weight loss slowed quite a bit and after being sick it put me behind. I'm upset about that but still pushing forward. I tweaked the diet and cardio to help pick the pace up again.
Posing practice will officially start in about 2 weeks. I was thinking about getting video and posting it. Not sure if sparkpeople allows it, but...
I'm really trying to stay focused and centered. Because of that I've found I've been a little... NO, a LOT self-absorbed.
Full steam ahead!