I'M JUST FAT!
Wednesday, October 14, 2009
**real quick disclaimer** on SP i'm just me, uncensored, unedited and I may say stuff that may offend, but I dont mean it to, I'm just blunt, and on here, I just want to be me without having to worry about saying the wrong thing or being PC****
ok, now that I got that out of the way.
I'm dealign with exhaustion. I used stay up to 10:30-11:30 and get up at 5:45, no issues. Now i'm ready to take a nap at 3, and I'm going to bed at like 8:30-9 and can't get my butt out of bed until 6:45, sometimes I get up get the kids moving and go back to bed for another 30mins, get up at 7:15, do a quick ponytail, brush teeth and run out the door....
My doc has checked everything. my TSH, T3 and T4 are all perfect in teh middle of the range (thyroid crap for my FB friends without these issues). we've checked my iron levels, etc. etc. I'm going to do a fasting blood test to test for diabetes as a long shot, but its been normal in all my 'regular' yearly screenings.
We're playing with the thought that it could be sleep apnea, but I dont really have the symptoms, not waking up gasping or anything like that, although I do snore, loudly and a lot (according ot my hubby anyway) there is a family history.
BUT it would take a sleep study and some more intense crap...so she wants me to try to lose wieght first. THIS IS HARD. we all know this here. and adding the thyroid crap on top of it. ugh. I'm a tiny gal (or at least should be) and I need to lose about 60 pounds, and as she put it, that amount of weight on your little frame, is like the average women carrying an extra 100 pounds. This can be the source of so many issues. including the fatigue and acheyness.
It was a hard pill to swallow sitting there in the office, being told what I already knew. These issues I'm having aren't going to be fixed by a pill, its nothing wrong with me. I did this to myself. I'm fat. No one forced me to eat upwards of an extra 60 pounds. I'm just fat. It's my fault and I have to come to face the fact, that I'm going to have to work hard to fix it all.
I wanted so bad to say it was something else. Its not my fault. Something is wrong. I didn't do this to myself. I can't help it. It's in my genes. In my DNA. I'm busy. I've got great kids that are very active in sports. There is something wrong with me. I can do this but its different for me. I will struggle. But I will struggle more than you. I'm the martyr.
I'm just like everyone else, looking for an excuse so that I can say I didnt fail me, but rather My body failed me.
Its all fricken not true.
I FAILED ME. I'M JUST FAT.
There I said it.
There is a little disappointment in myslef knowing that I led myself on in this way. I dont fail anyone. not my kids. not my husband. not my parents. not my family. not my company. but I failed me. i failed me by searching for something else. i failed me by letting myself get this way and taking myself out of the equation of my own life. but it also give me a sense of empowerment. now I can do something about it. its upto me and only me to change this. Granted I do have some "special" circumstances, like the thyriod thing, and kids who keep me at the field literally six days a week, working full time, holidays coming, a babyshower I'm hosting in a month, etc. etc. etc. but we ALL have our own "special" circumstances.
so girls (and boys-there are a few of you out there).......lets unite, and embrace the truth, because I'm tired, literally and figuratively!
I'M JUST FAT AND I'M GOING TO DEAL WITH IT AND FIX IT!
I'M DONE BEING THE FAT GIRL!!!