Tuesday, October 20, 2009
Holy Smokes was yesterday a tough day mentally - I just seemed to get sucked into this real apathetic place - was feeling really stressed, unaccomplished, was short with my wife...I made it through ok I guess...did my meal plan, did my exercise...just did not feel fired up at all.
I've had this lingering lower back spasm for about 10 years - same muscle, same spot once in awhile gets tweeked and sore...it acted up yesterday afternoon and that really added to feeling overwhelmed and discouraged.
So that was yesterday, made it through! Today is a new day and I told myself this morning out loud "F -that, you can do this...screw all the negative thinking."
What I'm realizing is that this is about where I would usually bail on myself, about a month in...seeing that a dark day like yesterday used to be my great exit, but I'm thinking that when these days come, I just need to make it through no matter what and get on the other side of it, and just chalk it up to "one bad day", and keep plugging away.
I sometimes feel crazy, crazy because of how much thinking I put into all of this and how much time I've had on the clock being full of shame and fear and self-hatred. So I don't necessarily know how to do it different just yet, other than to scrap my way through it and try to add new, more positive thoughts and follow those up with healthy action no matter what.
I've been finding myself so caught up in the weigh-in results every friday, wanting more, wanting to prove to myself that I can do this...that it's almost like I lose my focus and forget about the progress I have made in the last month...
So anyway, a new day, another 24 hours - I have my plan and I'm going to connect the dots. As much as I'd like to skip to the front of the class and be an inspiration, full of positive thoughts...I just needed to be hinest about whats what, I know that I must be my own detective on this journey...figuring out the subtle nuances of my own sabotage...investigating why I have always seem to fail and from these findings...find new ways to take care of myself.
I really hope this does not bring anyone down, not my intention at all...I really want to be free from this torture I put myself through...so my hope is that by being honest and writing this to share with you folks, I get to learn that I am ok and that change IS happening!
I really want to do this for me, but honestly alot of my daily motivation comes from wanting to be around for my wife and my family, wanting to me more for them. And I'll admit, I really want to know what if feels like to feel good about myself, to have fun moving around in this world and to be on the other side of giving up!
Have a Smooth Day!