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I can't deny it anymore

Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Warning – major downer ahead

I really don’t like writing blogs this pitiful, but I’m hoping if I let it out, I can leave it behind and move forward.

I admit it, I’m depressed. I’ve been having a pity party for a while and living in denial about it. Over the past 2 months I’ve barely been keeping it together. Tonight I couldn’t hold it together any longer and I had to finally confront the truth. Amazing how one question can open the flood gates.

I’ve suffered from mild depression for years and years and usually it lasts a couple of days and I move on. This time it’s been 2 months, and I’m back on the antidepressants again, but I’m annoyed for needing them again, I’ve been off of them for 2 years. But back in August I tried a new different form of birth control and one of the side effects is depression, I suspect this is my culprit. Normally when I would hit a down spot in life I would amp up the exercise, but this one is so bad I can’t seem to force myself to do what I know I need to do. I come home from work every day exhausted and just want to sleep but force myself to stay awake so I can sleep properly through the night.

I’ve been doing the best I can to put on my happy face for my friends and family, but it’s getting harder and harder. I’m struggling to see the positive in bad situations, there’s always a good point, somewhere, isn’t there?

I feel so alone, I know I’m not, but I feel isolated. In some circles I feel like a joke, something to ridicule. In other circles I feel invisible. The feelings of unworthiness are worse than feeling invisible. I’m starting to feel bad about myself for not being able to force myself to do more exercise, which is just becoming a perpetual cycle that I’m not sure I know how to get off of.

Part of the reason I’ve denied this for so long, usually I recognize it sooner and deal with it before it’s out of control, but I feel like I’m failing, I know I haven’t because I haven’t given up and don’t plan to, but I feel like I’m letting down my cheerleaders and I feel like a fraud to those I’m trying to help get through their trouble spots. In fact I feel like a fraud for putting up my front to my friends, and yet I don’t really have anyone to unload this on. My friends are so good to me; I don’t want to burden them w/ my whining and complaining.

I wish life were as simple as when I was a kid and my Mom could hug me and make everything all better instantly. But right now with her living in Europe I can’t even talk to her about any of this because I don’t want her to worry about me, especially since that’ll cause a grapevine and the whole world would know LOL

I’ve been on the anti depressants for a week now and I know it’ll take 2-4 weeks to really start working, I’m noticing benefits already but still not where I need to be…I need them to get me to the point where I’m not exhausted after work and have the energy to hit the gym again. I know once I get back to my regular workout, and the birth control wears off, I will be on my way to happiness again, w/o the drugs.

Thanks for reading this, I hope I haven’t brought anyone down too far emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sending you big emoticon . You are so not a 'downer'. I totally get what you wrote about as I was in a very dark place for a bit this past summer and it really scared me. What I learned from that and from finally talking about it with a couple of close friends is that your friends want to help and will listen, if we give them the chance. I don't like to ask for help and like you, will try to put up a good front for people because the image I've portrayed of myself for forever is that I'm someone who has it all together. Well, no one has it all together all the time. I like it when friends turn to me for help, advice, and support. So why don't I let them help and support me when I need it? The bottom line is I don't want to look needy or weak. But, isn't true friendship and intimacy based on being 'real' and being mutually helpful and supportive? I'm slowly coming to understand that my friends actually like me more when I let them see the 'real' me, which includes the sometimes needy and weak side of me. They want to feel like I feel when I get to be helpful and supportive of them.

    Sorry to ramble on. Don't sell yourself short, I'm sure there are at least a few friends who would appreciate being called on to listen when you need to talk or just need a good hug. I'm glad you're taking the steps you need to take to get to a better place. Be patient and kind to yourself and you'll get through this.

    I'll be thinking of you...

    4254 days ago
    Well gal, seems like the change in birth control will do you good. Your not the only one that needs anti-depressants from time to time. Thank God we have them! I hope things level off for you soon and your back to your old self. Remember it takes about 2 weeks for the anti-depressant levels to build up, your almost there. emoticon

    Hang in there!

    4254 days ago
    Hey Mel,

    What good are friends if you can't "unload" on them? I believe a true good friend can not only handle the "unloading" but may even feel it brings a stronger friendship. To put on a front is not unusual we want to be happy, we don't want to be a downer. But a friend realizes that you are not ALWAYS a downer, its just a patch that will pass and may pass more quickly if talked over with a friend. Anytime you need/want to talk or just get out call me!!! :)
    4255 days ago
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