Warning – major downer ahead
I really don’t like writing blogs this pitiful, but I’m hoping if I let it out, I can leave it behind and move forward.
I admit it, I’m depressed. I’ve been having a pity party for a while and living in denial about it. Over the past 2 months I’ve barely been keeping it together. Tonight I couldn’t hold it together any longer and I had to finally confront the truth. Amazing how one question can open the flood gates.
I’ve suffered from mild depression for years and years and usually it lasts a couple of days and I move on. This time it’s been 2 months, and I’m back on the antidepressants again, but I’m annoyed for needing them again, I’ve been off of them for 2 years. But back in August I tried a new different form of birth control and one of the side effects is depression, I suspect this is my culprit. Normally when I would hit a down spot in life I would amp up the exercise, but this one is so bad I can’t seem to force myself to do what I know I need to do. I come home from work every day exhausted and just want to sleep but force myself to stay awake so I can sleep properly through the night.
I’ve been doing the best I can to put on my happy face for my friends and family, but it’s getting harder and harder. I’m struggling to see the positive in bad situations, there’s always a good point, somewhere, isn’t there?
I feel so alone, I know I’m not, but I feel isolated. In some circles I feel like a joke, something to ridicule. In other circles I feel invisible. The feelings of unworthiness are worse than feeling invisible. I’m starting to feel bad about myself for not being able to force myself to do more exercise, which is just becoming a perpetual cycle that I’m not sure I know how to get off of.
Part of the reason I’ve denied this for so long, usually I recognize it sooner and deal with it before it’s out of control, but I feel like I’m failing, I know I haven’t because I haven’t given up and don’t plan to, but I feel like I’m letting down my cheerleaders and I feel like a fraud to those I’m trying to help get through their trouble spots. In fact I feel like a fraud for putting up my front to my friends, and yet I don’t really have anyone to unload this on. My friends are so good to me; I don’t want to burden them w/ my whining and complaining.
I wish life were as simple as when I was a kid and my Mom could hug me and make everything all better instantly. But right now with her living in Europe I can’t even talk to her about any of this because I don’t want her to worry about me, especially since that’ll cause a grapevine and the whole world would know LOL
I’ve been on the anti depressants for a week now and I know it’ll take 2-4 weeks to really start working, I’m noticing benefits already but still not where I need to be…I need them to get me to the point where I’m not exhausted after work and have the energy to hit the gym again. I know once I get back to my regular workout, and the birth control wears off, I will be on my way to happiness again, w/o the drugs.
Thanks for reading this, I hope I haven’t brought anyone down too far