Boy, not my finest day yesterday - more of my mouth getting me in trouble, a real mixed bag yesterday. I started out great and rode that wave all the way through until dinner, we decided to have taco salads for our night-time meal. Well, I was tired and my wife put a small handful, literally like maybe 5-7 chips on my plate and I did not even hesitate, I ate a few with some of the fresh avacado relish she made and I could taste the grease in the chips and it's almost like someone(me, right) turned a switch and I just got really frustrated and short, I could not figure out what was going on...but it was just like I checked out and spent about an hour feeling that way...so not any real problems, just my head creating a bunch of something out of nothing.
Well, that attitude bled into the later evening, my wife has not been feeling so great, over tired and she is having some teeth pain, dental work stuff and that really kicks her butt...and I'm no where near compassionate enough, and I tend to just expect people to tough it out and produce even when they are sufferring(a real twisted belief/attitude of mine I know - I think it's because that's how I have lived my life, so it's natural, but way wrong). Anyway, we had words, mine are always louder and meaner than hers when I get in this ugly place and it just sucks, sometimes I see how much I have accomplished in my life and how many changes I've made and then bam, I get a huge reality check that I have soooo far to go when it comes to being consistently gentle and kind. I really hate hurting anyone's feelings, but especially her's - she is my best friend and such a kind and sweet woman, makes me feel like a real jackbutt when I act like that.
Long ramble today sorry, but pushing myself to keep being honest and accountable ya know...so the taco salad made me sick, a few times and that's always really fun and great for the attitude...and I was just feeling really edgy and anxious and decided to have a bowl of sugar free ice cream, a serving is 1/2 cup - so I had 2 1 cup bowls, 1 at around 9pm and 1 at around 11 after getting sick again. My calories were a little more than 200 over my goal range for yesterday and I expected that when I did my tracking this morning, but I don't think I even kept any of the taco salad on board long enough...so maybe the true results on my body are less than the 1600 calories I tracked for yesterday...either way it's done and over, it was yesterday, and today is another day.
I don't like making "mistakes" or straying from "the plan", but you know what, it seems like when I do -it's actually giving me some good lessons about myself about changing this ridiculus idea that if it's not perfect, you fail attitude that I have used my whole life to set myself up...it's a real subtle form of sabotage, atleast that's how I see it as of now.
So here I am, almost 2 months in...making mistakes all over the place, stepping on toes and trying to learn from all of it. My heart is in this and mind is coming along. Putting all of this stuff out here to be honest is a little scary, but I know that truth is the only way and my experience so far in life has taught me that telling the truth out loud really helps me move on and frees me up to focus on what's really important, and to not dwell in the bs. It seems like if I can get the courage to be vulnerable and admit some of the ugly stuff I get embarrassed and ashamed about, that on the other side of being vulnerable I get stronger...
Tomorrow is a weigh-in, I think measurements too...however it shakes out I'm gonna show up for myself today and do my best(which might not be perfect)
Thank you for all of your encouragement and support, it's so much more helpful than I ever would have imagined!