Its so funny. I thought making the choice to shed the weight would be easy. There. Done. Made the choice. Weight off. :) YAY! I'm thin, happy and everything is perfect. Just like in Cinderella. You just know they would live happily ever after....... Well, as it turns out life isn't like the movies...who woulda known?
In all reality, anyone who has gotten to know me over the years on here (I just simply pop in and out over the years, always working towards that goal but full of book knowledge!) knows that I could recite so much information, in fact I think I should be come a personal trainer or wieght loss coach of some type, I could tell you and probably even motivate you to do it! (too bad the pay ain't that great!) But I couldn't ever manage to get the weight off completely. I"ve been up and I've been down, but never into my "healthy" weight range, not close to where I'd feel comfortable or any of that yada yada yada ness....
After the last years of watching biggest loser, listening to Jillian Micheals Radio Show (which is off air now! boo!!), reading her books, reading Bob Harpers book, reading and sharing here on SP, all my podcasts, and even my new favorite peertrainer.com, I knew that there was something bigger going on. There was some issue somewhere. I tried to flush it out.
Yes, I'm an emotional eater.
No, my husband isn't sabotaging me
No, don't "hide" food
no, I'm not "ashamed" of food or eating
Yes, I'm a foodie
Yes, my family has a history of wierdness when it comes to weight (i.e. grandma lovingly tells auntie that at 5" nothing and 115 she's fat)
Yes, I love my little drinky drinky
Yes, I have a bit of social anxiety
Yes, I count calories
Yes, I know my BMI, BMR, Waist to Hip Ratio, etc. etc.
Yes, 3500=1 lb
But facing those facts, drudging it all out, bring it up, sharing my feelings, dealing with inadequacy, the need to "prove something", all that stuff never seemed to do it.
Then I read this post. www.sparkpeople.com/mysp
I posted as so many did and here I am days later, after talking with my husband, and my friend, and listen to some of my "peertrainer audio" about emotional eating, and mulling over in my head about this pivitol question "Why am I scared to lose weight?"
I think I finally figured it out. For whatever reason, and without getting too too personal, I'm scared that what if I lose the weight, this one thing that I've always had in my head that will "fix" everything wrong in my life, what if I do finally lose this one thing that "holds me back from......", what if I do it, lose it, and nothing has changed but the weight?
finally after years of soul searching and digging I found it.
What if I lose the weight and nothing changes?
LOL, to me just the question is hilarious, because IT WON'T CHANGE! Life is life, I mean people don't like you more, you don't become less crabby, you don't get a raise, your social life doesn't get busier, your marraige doesn't turn into a movie, your kids don't get cleaner, your dog doesn't wash itself, and the fish don't change thier own filter, a day doesn't get longer just because you lost weight.
So although the "answer" to that deep dark hidden issue isnt' nessissarily the one any of us want to hear, it sure takes a load off. I mean, now I can MAKE THE CHOICE to lose weight for no other reason that I want to be thin, healthy and a hot mama! There isn't quite so much riding on it, now is there?
Don't get me wrong, this is something I'm going to have to deal with more and more, but for the first time I feel like maybe I'm actuallying working on it. At the end of the day, those things that hold us back from life are so crazy, so ridiculous, so insane, and it really is just simply making a choice.
Here is to the happiest of holidays! Cheers! I