Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Doing good...glucose was 131 this morning. Tomorrow is a weigh-in, feeling pretty solid. Staying hydrated and eating healthy, moving more and more.
What I'm realizing again is how much of this deal with my body, my weight, my relationship with food...has so much to do with the shame I carry with me inside. I have spent my whole life feeling embarrassed and ashamed, so terrified, angry...these feelings have twisted and tweeked my beliefs about myself and how I fit into this world.
Just seems to be heavy on my mind this week, it's totally awesome to be losing weight and getting healthier...learning more and more everyday...but then I get these sort of still moments where everyything inside just hurts, and I feel like a scared kid...I'm good though, I get that going into these feelings and sorting through all of this is what I need to do to really change. Just interesting though...these changes really bring up alot of feelings and thoughts...most are very exciting, some are really uncomfortable and awkward...but I'm realizing more and more that I can stick with this and that I will continue to take care of myself and that it's ok to be scared, and probably pretty natural for me....but the more I put myself out there despite how ashamed I really feel...my hope is that I'm chipping away at that shame and as time goes on I'll feel better and better about myself.
Side note...tricky thinking, but good lesson last night. So I'm subtly aware of what feels like my metabolism increasing and burning through food/calories much quicker...I think anyway. But so last night I was winding down and had to really figure this out. My head says... weigh-in is coming...don't eat. I know this is bs, but my head still tries...and at the same time I was having legit hunger cues...not crappy cravings...but a few hours after dinner hunger cues...the struggle was to slow down enough to really make a wise and healthy choice for my body...not the scale, and to trust the process. I know I can't starve myself into losing weight...but the thoughts still come...but one of my rules since starting to feel hunger cues and being able to identify them correctly is to feed them with something healthy, small...and that even though my head completely disagrees with this pretzel logic..I am beginning to trust myself and these new ways. If I'm hungry, and I don't eat...I'm hurting myself and setting myself up....the balance of this is for me to be extremely mindful of what and how much I eat. Last night was two tiny pieces of whole grain toast with a natural peanut butter smear. Good complex carbs, not too much and good slow burning protein. And my glucose was dialed in this morning. So I just keep learning and building more trust and hope...
Have a great day!