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Thursday Morning...

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Good Morning!

My glucose was @123 this morning.

Yesterday was maybe another breakthough for me, a little painful...but I really tapped into alot of this fear I have and how that is so connected to food and my weight. Spending most of my life clammering for control of my surroundings, always being hyper-vigilant about being safe in my surroundings, with people etc...using food to comfort that pain, but more over to really isolate myself. Turning my body into my own defense against the world, this delusional thinking is obviously sick and needs healing...I'm working on it. There is definitely still a deep down lingering voice that seems to get louder when I'm tired, sore...and it comes up with all kinds of ideas to pull me back into "safety".

It's a little confusing for me too, but over the last month or so with a little local publicity, putting everything out there...there is is this part of me inside that feels extremely inside out and scared...not even that there is anything "real" threatening" me, it's just this deep down belief system that really does not like me, that is always scared, and that really is fighting against all the changes that I'm making.

I know that over the last week or so I've really struggled mentally feeling ok, feeling more like I'm not doing enough, like I'm failing....so slowing down a bit yesterday to just tear into those feelings it opened up with some clarity for me that I, without a doubt need and want to be eating clean, exercising more and more and lose weight, very clear and committed to this, but that I'm not yet an athlete or a guy training to be in the olympics, or a triathlon...maybe someday...but honestly I doubt it....golfing & surfing is more my style...but anyway, my point is that I've gone from weighing over 800 pounds to weighing 670 in a little over a year, I've began exercising consistenty (34 days in a row) cardio/strength training...pretty much multiple times a day atleast 6 days a week, I eat healthy whole foods and up until about a week or so I really felt like I was making progress and I was feeling proud and excited....

I'm not sure exactly where the shift was, but I went from being really stoked to feeling super exhausted, burnt out, edgy and this looming feeling that I was not doing enough or that I was failing. Yesterday mid-morning it hit me pretty clear that I cannot continue this way, I will not be successful if I continue feeling this negative about myself, my plan, about everything...I know myself, I'll quit.

So then there is this challenge of making sure my thinking is true and not twisted and finding the balance between "no excuses, push on" and throttling back a bit, back to a pace where I can again feel not so overwhelmed and pressured, and like I'm accomplishing something, striking a balance between eating 5-6x a day, exercising 3-4x a day and my business life, my personal life, down time etc...

I'm not complaining or whining, I really hope it does not come off that way...I'm just airing it out and trying to really give myself the best chance at succeeding for the long haul. My biggest fear right behind dying early from my health is giving up, and I'm not going to....but I need to figure this out and find a way to keep making progress w/out driving myself into the ground and then baling.

Probably not so inspiring today...but it's the true scoop on where I'm at and as I navigate my way through each day, knowing that I have nothing to lose but the weight...being honest with myself is top-priority.

I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog posts' and your support and encouragement is always helpful...thank you! Ryan
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • MONIEMONDS
    "not so inspiring today" don't think so. If anything you were even more inspiring. Everyone has trouble with change and the vast majority of us do alot of negative talking to ourselves. It sure isn't an easy part of this journey - I have to keep reminding myself that I'm my own worst enemy.

    Thank you for being able to share your feelings.

    Mona
    4120 days ago
  • MSEVERLAST
    The emotions in all this is crucial and its great that you're expressing it because that is an extremely vital part of the journey.

    I have "tapes" in my head from when I was young. I realized not too long ago that it was those tapes that keep me from being the best I can be. These tapes run along the same lines of being hyper-vigilant about my surroundings and other people. While figuring this out my mom mentioned to me that she felt my weight was an armor, a defense, to keep the attention away and to protect myself. She had never mentioned it to me before, but now that I'm older I can understand it better as I am sure that's why it took her so long to tell me.

    Ryan - you are not alone. A lot of us feel these things, but unfortunately we never talk about it because it, as you said, "feels extremely inside out and scared" and that can be exhausting. You write that you appreciate our support and encouragement, but in these posts when you open yourself up and make yourself vulnerable you are really supporting us all as well.
    4120 days ago
  • CAROLANN27
    Hi Ryan,

    Thank you for being so open with your feelings. I think you will be able to make great strides in understanding yourself and you'll use that understanding toward healing. I hope so much for you to regain your confidence. It seems like big physical changes are bound to bring on emotional ones, too.

    I hope you can feel comfortable working slowly and carefully through the emotional changes just like you are through the physical ones. You have so many friends, including me, who really care about you and want so much for you to succeed at attaining your best health and being able to do the things you want.

    When the ghosts from the past appear, please remember all of us who would have you be healthy, strong and happy, as you work your way through this.

    You have used the analogy of moving the ball down the field a little. I really like that one. You're constantly moving the emotional and physical balls down the field and we're all behind you pushing to give you strength. I hope you can feel it and not feel alone. We all care!!

    Affection to you and your wonderful wife.

    Carol



    4120 days ago
  • TEDYBEAR2838
    I am in awe of your accomplishments and your determination! emoticon

    We are all here for you. A big family encouraging you day by day!
    4121 days ago
  • CORNIES
    Keep on going.....one thing that I have found helpful is to listen to my self talk....so often it is a bad "tape" from my past. I work on "taking that tape out" and putting another one it it's place that is healthy self talk. It takes diligence but it helps me to change my self talk direction a little bit at a time. emoticon You are on the right track....keep on. emoticon
    4121 days ago
  • JANEYINMADTOWN
    With all this self introspection, you are really growing as a human being and are extremely brave to continue to seek the answers to all the whys....I am just wondering if Annette might be able to introduce you to someone you can speak to about some of these feelings/insecurities and help you to a resolution... not sure how you feel about this but maybe an idea?

    Also is there anything in buddhism that may be of help to you on this self knowledge journey?
    4121 days ago
  • KAILIIA
    This journey is not an easy one. The path is treacherous with self doubt, energy issues, temptations and sabotage. I have faith that you will continue down this path, toward health, strength and inner peace.

    Some days will be better then others, and if you need to talk to someone - it is a good idea. weight-loss is an emotional thing, a lot of us hide behind our size and use it as a wall from the world.
    4121 days ago
  • 4MYBOYSANDSELF
    Powerful words. It's quite a journey, isn't it? But one thing really struck me... "I'm not yet an athlete..." I recently joined a gym and have been working with a really awesome trainer. This guy is seriously hard-core, has trained some very famous people, trained Marines, you name it... At our first session, he mentioned that I really need to invest in a new pair of gym shoes (I really do!), because athletes need to wear decent shoes. I stopped, looked at him, and said, "I have never in my life been called an athlete!" He said, firmly, "You're here five days a week working out. You're an athlete." I cannot even tell you what those words meant to me. The have seriously stuck with me ever since, and are starting to help me change how I view myself.

    Guess what. You ARE an athlete. You are working out every day (hey, give yourself a rest a day or two a week - it's okay!). YOU. ARE. AN. ATHLETE. Congratulations!!
    4121 days ago
  • SCRAPPYLADYV
    You are dealing with some hardcore emotional issues right now. Oftentimes those are a lot more demanding and difficult to deal with than the physical issues. I don't know if you have somebody to help you work through these things but I would recommend finding someone. After all you have someone to help you with the physical aspects of eating right and exercising, you don't want that to get derailed because of the emotional issues. I have to warn you though, working through that baggage is exhausting. It is well worth it though because once they are gone, or at least under control it is so freeing. You will have so much more energy to devote to the physical.

    emoticon
    4121 days ago
  • JSTCHLIN
    Hey man, I know you're not whining. It's releasing the inner demons. When we speak from the heart it helps us. And others see what we are going through day in and day out.

    You've done so much over the last year. You can't dwell on your accomplishments but build from them. Continue to grow, learn and live. Most likely you will have similar feelings a year from now too. But you will also be another 100 lbs lighter, smarter and even more active.

    And it all goes without saying, motivating and supporting not a few but I'm sure hundreds if not thousands of others outs there who need you to continue to speak out and show them that they are not alone.

    You're doing great! Take care and stay healthy
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    4121 days ago
  • BELUGA20
    Ryan, you really hit on the reason my own lifestyle changes have failed in the past. Fear, and mostly fear of failure, but also fear that I might actually get what I want and then there will be no reasons for all the things that I felt were wrong with me and my life. I couldn't blame it on the weight. So, we struggling together with this fear... fear of failing, fear of succeeding. But it's not only the fear, it's the stress of finding new ways to deal with emotions other than eating, and not having that security blanket of food. It is all very overwhelming, but we can work though it. And we will!
    emoticon
    4121 days ago
  • KNAUGHT61
    Ryan, you are so insightful and have a gift for clearly expressing what is going on inside. I commend you so much for that. Of course there are going to be setbacks, days or weeks when you are not super-stoked, but you have gone a long ways toward identifying why that is happening. I too have a real fear/need for safety issue and it never occurred to me that is was related to my weight but it probably is. I just want to let you know I am with you all the way, you will do this! The publicity, if it caused you some discomfort, think of all the people your story touched and inspired. I hope the discomfort will ease and you will think it was worth it. Take good care of yourself and listen to yourself as you are doing. All the best, my friend -- Kathleen
    4121 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6384955
    Wow, Ryan. You are very brave to try to figure out why you gained in the first place. It must be like ripping off a scab. I gained just by not paying attention to myself, but I have watched my mother face obesity and diabetes all my life, and I can see the she uses weight as a defense. She has tried to lose, but the fear of what she will find stops her along the way. You do have pressure from going so public with your struggle, but you also have a whole lot of people out here rooting you on! You will win this battle! Many good wishes, Marcia
    emoticon
    4121 days ago
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