Thursday, March 11, 2010
My glucose was @123 this morning.
Yesterday was maybe another breakthough for me, a little painful...but I really tapped into alot of this fear I have and how that is so connected to food and my weight. Spending most of my life clammering for control of my surroundings, always being hyper-vigilant about being safe in my surroundings, with people etc...using food to comfort that pain, but more over to really isolate myself. Turning my body into my own defense against the world, this delusional thinking is obviously sick and needs healing...I'm working on it. There is definitely still a deep down lingering voice that seems to get louder when I'm tired, sore...and it comes up with all kinds of ideas to pull me back into "safety".
It's a little confusing for me too, but over the last month or so with a little local publicity, putting everything out there...there is is this part of me inside that feels extremely inside out and scared...not even that there is anything "real" threatening" me, it's just this deep down belief system that really does not like me, that is always scared, and that really is fighting against all the changes that I'm making.
I know that over the last week or so I've really struggled mentally feeling ok, feeling more like I'm not doing enough, like I'm failing....so slowing down a bit yesterday to just tear into those feelings it opened up with some clarity for me that I, without a doubt need and want to be eating clean, exercising more and more and lose weight, very clear and committed to this, but that I'm not yet an athlete or a guy training to be in the olympics, or a triathlon...maybe someday...but honestly I doubt it....golfing & surfing is more my style...but anyway, my point is that I've gone from weighing over 800 pounds to weighing 670 in a little over a year, I've began exercising consistenty (34 days in a row) cardio/strength training...pretty much multiple times a day atleast 6 days a week, I eat healthy whole foods and up until about a week or so I really felt like I was making progress and I was feeling proud and excited....
I'm not sure exactly where the shift was, but I went from being really stoked to feeling super exhausted, burnt out, edgy and this looming feeling that I was not doing enough or that I was failing. Yesterday mid-morning it hit me pretty clear that I cannot continue this way, I will not be successful if I continue feeling this negative about myself, my plan, about everything...I know myself, I'll quit.
So then there is this challenge of making sure my thinking is true and not twisted and finding the balance between "no excuses, push on" and throttling back a bit, back to a pace where I can again feel not so overwhelmed and pressured, and like I'm accomplishing something, striking a balance between eating 5-6x a day, exercising 3-4x a day and my business life, my personal life, down time etc...
I'm not complaining or whining, I really hope it does not come off that way...I'm just airing it out and trying to really give myself the best chance at succeeding for the long haul. My biggest fear right behind dying early from my health is giving up, and I'm not going to....but I need to figure this out and find a way to keep making progress w/out driving myself into the ground and then baling.
Probably not so inspiring today...but it's the true scoop on where I'm at and as I navigate my way through each day, knowing that I have nothing to lose but the weight...being honest with myself is top-priority.
I really appreciate you taking the time to read my blog posts' and your support and encouragement is always helpful...thank you! Ryan