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DAY 4

Tuesday, October 31, 2006

I did well today...must work on water consumption. I saw one of my friends who I hadnt seen in a while..and she hadn't needed to lose any weight..and she has lost quite a bit..enough to really show in her face and she said she had to buy all new clothes..(she seemed really thin before)..but she lost hers due to stress...but after she left...I thought there was such a big difference in her face...and I thought I too can look different. It really does happen to people-where their appearance changes..it seems like an unattainable dream I have always had to be at my goal weight..It was always THE goal, THE big hope..I have lost alot..almost all of my excess poundage before..but never have I gotten to goal and now, never have I been this big...I don't know if there are any other overweight people out there..but it is a bit...oh..what is the word...intimidating- to know the reflection that you have come to accept as you..is changing or is going to change..sometimes dramatically. This is what I know..I am used to taking up more space, not being the center of attention, fading into the background, feeling mediocre for not being the best me...but always with the hope and dream of being anything but the reflection. And now to be on my way to accomplish something..and being not a very open person with some things. in particular-weightloss-which is such a huge personal struggle...everyone around you visually sees the changes and comments on any differences seen. While most people love the "oh you look great" ...some times it can be disconcerting...because in a sense you are used to being a certain way-not getting the comments, and at times at peace with the acceptance of your size. One is used to being treated in a certain way..then all of a sudden..you take up less room, people do INDEED treat a thinner person differently and if you are losing noticeable weight, they are always commenting on you & your shrinking body (which as a fat person, most are very skilled at blending & not being noticed). I don't know...it can be weird..but yet..it is what I want...It is like going to bed with brown hair and waking up with platinum blond...Everyone notices. I am not comfortable that everyone notices...I just want to get be thinner, stronger, healthier. I am having trouble verbalizing how I feel. This journal also helps..I usually keep all my thoughts to myself...but I know in my toes I am going to do it this time..so I want a record.
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