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Finding me again

Friday, April 09, 2010

I am fed up with myself. I am 2 flippin pounds over goal and its no one's fault but my own. This, that and the other has derailed my running this week and I feel like a complete loser. I am binge eating and out of control. I need a grip! I need to find my Spark! Where in the hell did I put it? I am miserable. I need help. I want to cry.

So, my plan is to keep looking for my Spark, get a firm handle on my eating, hit the pavement after work and get at least 5 miles ran. I vow to quit being hard on myself and remember to forgive myself. I will start loving myself once again for I deserve it. I will take it one day at a time.

I am making this public for accountability purposes.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Laurie- I am sorry you've lost your Spark, but I know without a doubt you will find it again and move on from this rut you're in. Quit slapping yourself with your own flip flop...
    I truly hope you feel better soon and find your niche.

    emoticon emoticon
    4049 days ago
    Laurie - I had to giggle when I read Heather's post! You do always seem so in control, almost like a well oiled machine! I am sorry to hear you were in somewhat of a rut, but I know that you will move on and get back up! I have been such a slacker this week! I let so many things get in the way, I believe they are called excuses emoticon
    I know you will find your spark again, and so will I, we just have to look harder emoticon emoticon
    4049 days ago
    Good for you for being honest about your feelings; getting it out there is good for the soul! But even "GOODER" for you for holding your chin up and affirming yourself and your intentions!!

    Now let's talk about what all you've accomplished and how far you've come!! YOU are much more powerful than this momentary setback. A week of uncontrolled cravings is not uncommon; you WILL get past it and with the active lifestyle you've developed, you'll kick the extra calories to the curb ALWAYS as you run forward on this journey!!

    Those extra 32 ounces could be nothing more than water retention girlfriend; those 2 lbs are NOTHING in comparison to healthy, vibrant YOU!! Hit that pavement every time you can; and don't sweat it when life happens & you can't. Life happens and that's our reality!! A more powerful reality is your commitment to fitness and THAT my friend is FOREVER!! With your Sparkpals runnin' along side ya!!

    Now that we've got that settled!! LET'S DO THIS ;) emoticon
    emoticon emoticon
    4050 days ago
    How was your run, Laurie? I've been having a rough time lately, too (angry!) and swimming laps combined with affirmations like the ones you mentioned really seem to help, usually. I'm glad you posted this and I hope you feel better. Please be gentle with yourself, especially over those two pounds. If nothing else, they'll fall off in the summer like pounds so often do.
    4050 days ago
    I hope you got your run in and are feeling a whole world better! emoticon

    I had a tough week this week and I went to the gym tonight and tried to leave it all there. I do feel better, but like you said we have to forgive ourselves and remember it's a work in progress! emoticon
    4050 days ago
    I think you need a flip-floppin' too, but not for gaining a couple pounds or missing a couple runs. Just remember to not try to make up for missing the runs, back off if anything to ease back in.

    The eating thing is only a thing if you let it be. That eating is done. What are you going to eat tonight and tomorrow? That has nothing to do with what you ate yesterday.
    4050 days ago
    Quit slapping yourself silly!

    Isn't it much nicer to want to run because you like it rather than because you need to enforce punishment?

    Just a thought ... I admire you ... now play nice!

    4051 days ago
    Thank you for posting this. You are not alone! Maintenance is tough! It's not as euphoric, and the inevitable fluctuations are scary. I had to start cognitive behavioral therapy because I was starting to flip out over the little gains, and it was ruining my happiness. I'm concentrating on moderation now, which is hard for me. I'm signed up for the "Lose 5% by May" challenge, and I GAINED a couple of pounds since the start of it, but then I read a Coach Dean article that stated that it wasn't motivation that I lacked, it's just that I had a conflicting desire that was taking priority: I wanted to socialize and eat desserts! Once I realized that one desire had to outweigh the other, I started to get on track again. My therapist helped me to realize that it's okay to let your priorities cycle back and forth-- sometimes I want to socialize, which almost always means eating too much, and other times I want to get back into perfect shape. I'm trying to come to terms with the sine wave, and not letting it go too far in either direction. Good luck! P.S. I'm from Iowa, too! But I haven't lived there since I was 16.
    4051 days ago
    2 lbs over goal is still within maintenance range.

    Lighten up on yourself - you owe it to you.

    The 2 lbs will be gone again before you know it.
    4051 days ago
    Laurie those 2lbs are gonna fall off of you before you even find a place to put them! You're still here, you're still blogging - the eating might be a bit off but your spark didn't disappear! You just put it in your pocket for a while :) I hope you are feeling much better and back in the game (fully) soon!
    4051 days ago
    I'm so glad that you blogged this! Not that I have solved MY issue I blogged yesterday, but I did find that blogging it helped tremendously. emoticon WE can do this!
    4051 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/9/2010 1:45:27 PM
  • B-FLAT
    Laurie, if it is any comfort...it helped me just knowing you are human too:) I think you are amazing and always seem so in control (and motivated). it's okay to slip and fall, we just have to get back up. Your honesty is good for not only you but us other slackers!!
    4051 days ago
    Okay when you find it - please locate mine too...I am sure they are together somewhere. I have had this candy craving all the time....Sweets....Exercising is the easy part now cause to improve I must do them.

    Here Sparkie Sparkie....
    4051 days ago
  • BOBBYD31
    LOL. you make me laugh at this, you are almost as mad as when the hawkeyes lose. just chill out, your spark is there and your body is just telling you it needs a little break. however if it does not come back soon there will be a big pointy boot coming at your butt so you make the choice boot or spark? which will it be.
    4051 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3514403
    Stay positive Laurie. I swear I was trying to find myself for months and go up and down and up and down. Now that I've cut the naughty sweets and junk food completely out of my diet I just feel so much better. When I eat it I want more and more and more, I can't stop at just one serving and I'm just sick of trying to win the battle of moderation when I would have 3000-6000 calories days. It's just not worth it, and when I said no to the birthday treats last Saturday I felt emoticon You'll find your spark!

    4051 days ago
    Laurie, I love you lady but I think you need a flip flop. Keep this in mind while you're beating yourself up: It's only two pounds and you're working on it now. Your body can fluctuate two pounds in a DAY. If you are over-eating then you're right, you definitely need to get a grip on that, but you may need to figure out why you're shoving food into your face. You can feel as terrible and as bad as you want for not staying at goal, but the why of it is going to help you a lot more than anything else. My why? I'm being lazy. I'm being bored. And I'm not getting enough sleep lately. I know when my sleep is off I tend to eat without thinking. I'm not getting enough sleep because I'm keeping myself up! What is your why? And please, Please don't forget how far you've come, how much work you've accomplished and how much pavement you've conquered! For every bad thing you say to yourself give yourself a compliment. You definitely deserve it.
    4051 days ago
  • FT4EVR
    Hi Laurie, I know you will find your "Spark"! And yes, it is one day at a time. I am in the "zone" but I know that it is still one day at a time. It's life....ups and downs. Chin up! Do what you know works for YOU! Your "spark" is inside of you....but if you need me to slap ya with a flip flop to wake it up, let me know! YOU CAN DO IT!

    4051 days ago
    Awwwwwww Laurie!! Me and just about every other Sparker think you are WONDERFULl. And I have fallen so far off the wagon that what you have just done in posting this blog is make me feel better about my stupid, hopeless self. Thank you!!
    Remember, you are emoticon
    4051 days ago
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