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A Conversation Between Me and My Scale

Monday, April 26, 2010

I've had numerous conversations with my scale, although most of them are one-way. However, after much frustration, I thought it would I would share what my morning was like between me and the little evil silver box. It may be boring or incredibly odd for some, but it's a risk you take when you get to read inside my very warped mind....

emoticon = me
emoticon = scale (duh)

And so it begins...

I woke up bright and early this morning, bounding out of bed ready to tackle a new day (ok, seriously, there's no bounding involved since I'm blind as a bat without my contacts or glasses, so that's just asking for trouble, but I digress). I'm feeling pretty peppy this morning as I have my day all mapped out and felt like I did pretty well over the weekend with eating, so I decided to go into the kitchen to meet my co-worker, the scale. I'd say my *friend*, but that's just not the truth. We co-exist and do what needs to be done together, but to say we're truly friends would be a lie. It's kind of like when someone uses the word *love* too much with everything they encounter, it kind of loses its meaning. But me and my scale tolerate each other and only communicate when necessary. Today, I felt it was necessary....

I patter down the stairs and walk over to my scale.
emoticon Good morning scale.

emoticon (stretches) Good morning. So, today's another weigh in day, eh? I guess there's no need for me to ask, since the only time you bother to come visit me is when you need a weigh-in.

emoticon Hmmmm, someone's been talking to their mother again and is grumpy I see. Well, as a matter of fact, it is a weigh-in day for me. And since you've been in a prickly mood the past couple of months, I thought today would be a good day to try again since it's such a nice, sunny day outside, and I thought your demeanor would be a tad better.

emoticon (snorts) Yeah, good luck with that.

emoticon Well, I'm not going to let you deter me.

emoticon Give the girl a cookie for bravery. Oh wait, you don't need any more cookies, do you?

emoticon (still smiling at this point) You can try and be snotty, but it's not going to work. I've worked very hard and have really concentrated on my exercise and quality of food, so I'm not afraid of you.

emoticon Nor should you be. I'm just here for your calling, so by all means, hop on.

emoticon Really? Oh goodie, I'm so excited! I just know you're going to be so proud of me!

emoticon Egads, you need therapy lady. Just zip it and step on me with your feet perfectly aligned and no swaying allowed.

emoticon Okeedoke. (at this point, I confidently step on the silver box and stare straight ahead for about 5 seconds). Ok, I'm going to look down now, and then we can do the happy dance together!

emoticon (evil little laugh escapes) Sure thing cupcake! By all means, take a peek at the proof of all your hard work.

emoticon (I comply) Hmmmm, there seems to be something a bit off here. Let me step off and try again. I must have been swaying or holding my breath.

emoticon Uh-huh. THAT's what happened.

emoticon (Step on again and this time I look down the whole time) Well, that can't be right. How could I have gone UP two pounds? No, something's off. Maybe I need to change the batteries.

emoticon WHAT?!? Again with the batteries? My batteries are just fine and you can keep your mitts off of them. Honestly, why don't you just admit that you have failed...again.

emoticon I have failed at nothing. It's just a blip. (said snottily with a flick of my hair over my shoulder)

emoticon Yeah, you did. You failed again. You hit your 100 pounds lost a few months ago, but only for a day. You ran so far from that milestone that you couldn't even blog about it before you were back up again.

emoticon (lip trembles) Well, there's no need to get nasty about it. So I've had my struggles--

emoticon Struggles?! Hahahahaha! Oh that's rich lady. Struggles. Puh-leeze. You've become complacent and so obsessed with me and what I'm doing that any other so-called "successes" mean squat. Face it, you're destined to fail and having elastic waist pants with big flower printed shirts with pockets on the boobs, and cankles are your true calling. So stop fighting it. I'm here to support you in that endeavor.

emoticon (sniffling now and getting pretty ticked off). You know, you really annoy me. I'm not sure if you are a male or a female. Part of me thinks female because whenever I step on you, you change your mind on a whim and think it's your perogative. Another part of me thinks you're a male because you are completely clueless, and are, in fact, a moron.

emoticon (sputters) Moron!! You're calling ME a moron?! Hey, I'm not the one who got all fat and lazy for decades at a time and then wonders why my fat butt can't fit into those stupid resin deck chairs. No sirree, not me. I'm just an innocent scale with a fabulous computer program inside me that just happens to slap you with the truth of your shortcomings whenever I feel like it.

emoticon Computer?! As in robot? Ha! I'll tell you who is a fabulous robot. Rosie from the Jetsons!

emoticon (GASPS!!!!!!!!)

emoticon That's right you evil little nimrod. Rosie baby! She could cook, do laundry, program your coffee while fixing your tie, all at the same time. Oh yeah, and she had a glowing sense of humor and was actually NICE. Now THAT is a computer. You just lay around spewing judgment all day long, while collecting dust.

emoticon Don't you DARE talk to me about that trollop! She was overrated and not nearly as compassionate as I am! Could she weigh anybody? No, she could not. By stepping on her, could she pop out a number that would make her masters sing with delight and joy? I don't think so sister.

emoticon You haven't done that either.

emoticon That's because you're lazy.

emoticon Alright, that's IT! I have had it with your snarky comments and your false numbers! You are not the end all of my success---

emoticon Yes I am.

emoticon You don't get a say in how I feel about myself--

emoticon Yes I do.

emoticon You are a punk. That's all you are. You are a device to HELP me measure my progress, but that's it. You have been elevated for far too long in my mind and have been living rent-free in the dorm room marked "insecurities".

emoticon Look, before you go on another tirade about how you are doing all the other "important" things, let me just stop you right there. Because we all know it's not true. Everybody judges by a number on a scale and the fact that your so-called "goal" (snickers rudely) is 170 pounds is laughable. Laughable I tell you! Can't make it to 120 pounds eh?

emoticon With my boobs, I'd look like the letter P standing sideways, so no thanks.

emoticon Ok, sure. If that's what you need to say to convince yourself. The fact is, you have never succeeded at losing weight except in high school, and we all know how you did that, which was so not cool.

emoticon I'm doing it the right way now, so back off punk.

emoticon I'm just saying, since your magic number didn't turn out so great this morning, why not just give yourself some comfort and treat yourself to an *off* day, hmm? No one is home. Who would know?

emoticon Um, hello. I would know.

emoticon Big whoop, who are you? Nah, I say you give in to temptation and just indulge in your fat side (really, what other side do you have?) Since you obviously have been stuck for a while now, just let yourself slide for a day or two. It'll be our little secret!

emoticon Gee, thanks for the great offer, you idiot, but I'm done with the sneaky eating and feeling shame about myself for days on end. That way of living stopped working for me long ago. And although I've fallen into that pattern a time or two since starting on my path, I've realized that it really doesn't do anything for me anymore. The payoff that I thought was there, just isn't. So no, I'm going to go about my day and keep doing what I know is right.

emoticon You're weak. You can't succeed. My numbers indicate as much.

emoticon (At this point, I do the only thing I can do that seems appropriate)....

emoticon emoticon = emoticon

emoticon I'm going analog, punk!

emoticon (yells back through the window while laying in a heap on the front lawn) Don't do it! She's my cousin and she'll say the same numbers if I tell her to!

So there it is. My morning conversation with an evil silver box. Where we go from here, I have no idea. So many tears and harsh words have been spoken, it's hard to say whether or not the relationship can be mended. It's still out there yapping away at me, trying to make me feel like crap about myself, and sometimes it manages to win. But for now, I'm ok. If I could just get it to shut up now.... Oh look, there's Finnegan raising his leg outside. Aw, I love my dog....

emoticon emoticon emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD6425641
    LOL...that was GREAT...too funny!! I completely know what you're feeling though when it comes to the struggle with the scale. Some time ago I finally got fed up with basing my success off the number the scale would give me and getting so number obsessed and since vowed to not use it again. Instead, I now use the way my clothes fit as a determining factor of how I'm doing. Of course we are all different and use different tools to determine our success, it's just a matter of finding what works best for you. You have obviously been very successful and that is AWESOME, you owe it to yourself to be proud...stay strong and keep going, you CAN and WILL do it!!! emoticon
    4056 days ago
    Wow, Woodsy! This is so creative. You were truly inspired. I think the sentiment can be expressed by at least nearly all of us, but only you could have expresssed this so well.

    I share your frustration. I envy and respect your resolve. I HAVE given in to treating myself to an off day and taking some comfort -- more than once.

    Why does this all have to be so dang hard??

    Well, at least you make us laugh through the anger and pain. Thanks!

    emoticon emoticon
    4066 days ago
    You may want to reconsider.....and send this to "Scale"...
    I'm Sorry

    I know sometimes I cause you
    Much pain and frustration
    You and I have been through a lot
    I thank God you're in for the duration

    You've endured with patience
    Even when I pushed against your will
    I regret the pain I've caused you
    And I carry it with me still

    Even though we've been together
    Through life's sorrow and pain
    Somehow we've always managed
    And we've always endured the strain

    Please accept my apology
    For getting out of line
    I'm sorry that I hurt you
    I'll try harder next time

    He really is your friend.....and will help keep you on track, but if he proves not to be THE ONE....a MR./MRS. DR. SCALE IS A TERRIFIC CATCH!!!!
    We all struggle.....You have done wonderfully!

    4068 days ago
  • TIFF38
    Wonderful!!! Thanks so very much for sharing, I feel exactly the same way! I can hardly believe I only went digital 2 months ago, and now wish I hadn't! :( My scale and your scale must be in cahoots ~~ we will beat them though!!
    4069 days ago
  • SUSAN134
    LOL....Shannon, I loved this and actually could have written it myself, except it wouldn't have been so funny. We WILL do this!!!

    P.S. I'm with you - going to ask for an old fashioned analog scale for my birthday - my digital one can come and hang out with yours.....in the city dump.


    4069 days ago
    Loved your blog!! Hang in there and those numbers will go down emoticon
    4071 days ago
    I'm still weighing in daily and the proof that the numbers on the scale don't match what people see on the outside is compliments from 'real people' telling me that I look thinner. emoticon for toning up and gaining muscle pounds!

    I think you should listen to all the great notes on your blog... SP Friends are much better than any evil silver box lol...
    4071 days ago

    I thought you had given that scale the boot quite some time ago. Oh wait it was in the closet wasn't it. You had just hidden it and taken it out. Well fair weather friends tend to get like that when they have been ignored. But Mr. Scale went over the line and needs to be punished for sure!!

    The real problem with scales is they never stay in one place, even when we are very happy with where they are !!
    4071 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4019666
    Beautifully written! Love, love, love it and it got my inner jogger going (that's laughter). Kick that scale right out of there. Don't you dare give up girl! The hard work will pay off as others have said. Although a number on the scale means something, it does not mean everything. emoticon

    Love you! emoticon
    4071 days ago
    I agree with our friend from across the pond. Retire that sucker. Let Finn take care of business! You know how small that 3 digit # matters in the scheme of healthy living.

    Tell that scale to stick it where the analog display does not shine.
    4071 days ago
  • LIQUID11
    Retire your scale, it deserves it!
    As you've seen on my today's status, I decided to retire mine and buy a sleeker, luckier one!! And it does body composition analysis, too...
    emoticon emoticon
    emoticon emoticon

    4071 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/26/2010 6:19:03 PM
    I love you! I hate your scale!! You have been working hard so it's obviously not that lil twerp's turn to define your success. Your success right now must be measured in how you feel inside about the work you've been doing! You feel good about it and that's enough. That piece of junk in your front yard won't be able to hold out on you forever! emoticon emoticon
    4072 days ago
    Way to boot that mofo! You know what to do, how to do it and the next time that little box wants something to weigh, take a big poo on it. That'll shut it up! (Oops, did I say that outloud?!)
    4072 days ago
    Very cute. I loved it. Good luck. We can do it.
    4072 days ago
    Hahahaha! Brilliantly written! I Love it!

    P.s. If you dropped down to 120 pounds, you definitely wouldnt have the same size boobs! Haha! I dropped 28 pounds, and went from a decent C-Cup to a tiny A-cup!

    Keep up the hard work. It WILL pay off!
    4072 days ago
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