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A letter to my younger self

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

Dear 18-year-old Sarah,

Hey, how are ya? Enjoying your first year of college? It's been 10 years, so I thought I'd drop you a note, time-traveler style. Boy, are you in for a ride.

You're just about done with being a Freshman. Guess what? Due to bad advising, you're gonna be there another FIVE years. For a THEATER degree! I really really wish you had majored in something normal, like English. Oh well.

You're gonna gain around 10 pounds for every year you're in college. Yay campus food. You'll start going to the gym, but won't stick with it. You'll be the fattest one in all your dance classes. Have fun with that. =P

While you gain, Mom will lose 60 lbs. in the next five years. Remember how you thought she was huge at 200 lbs.? Well, that's your future. That's right, you're going to DOUBLE in weight over the next 10 years. And it's gonna SUCK. You'll start wearing Mom's old fat clothes. It will be HORRIFYING.

That nice Jewish boy you're dating right now? You're gonna break up REAL soon. Then you'll date his best friend for the next six years. You're gonna plan on marrying him. Luckily, you don't. He turns out to be a d**chebag. Nice Jewish boy marries a nice Jewish girl and she friends you on Facebook. She's pretty cool. D**chebag ends up alone. Haha.

Your last year of college, Mom gets cancer. Yeah, the same one from asbestos her parents and sister died from. She'll make it to your graduation, then Katy's high school graduation, then dies less than a month later. It's awful. It still hurts. Just warning you. PLEASE tell her you love her more often!

You'll pack on 20 more pounds after Mom dies. D**chebag moves in. You last another year and a half before finally coming to your senses and you kick him out. You lose your virginity to a good friend because you don't want to re-enter the dating world as a 25-year-old virgin. You meet your future husband exactly one week later. Life's funny like that.

You'll soon top out at 200 lbs. Future husband proposes anyways. He is AWESOME. You decide to lose weight for the wedding, but keep putting it off till January 2010 when you finally realize OH SH!T you're getting married THIS YEAR. At this point in time, you're back down to 177. Woo hoo!

You're gonna get a lot of money from mom's death. Your family sues the asbestos companies and you and Katy make out quite well. It will buy you and Simon a house, cars, and a future. Mom's final gift.

Your future is the bumpiest road you can imagine, filled with intense pain but also a TON of joy. Sometimes it won't seem like it, but you WILL make it.

Just giving you a head's up. See you in 10 years.

Love,
28-year-old Sarah
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