Friday, May 07, 2010
Taking a few deep breathes and looking forward! I gained 11 pounds since weighing in 3 weeks ago.
I really am doing my very best to learn from the mistakes I continue to make. I reverted back to some old behavior, period. I've felt alot more emotional pain in the last month than I have for a long time and it's obvious looking at my overall choices that I really need to do everything I can to learn and PRACTICE handling life stressors in healthier ways, whether it's going for walks, exercise, choosing to eat a chicken breast with some veggies instead of a meatball sub from a deli.
I've really been struggling with abandonment issues this past month, new situations that trigger old deep fears. I get afraid of speaking up for myself or telling people how I'm really feeling, because I get afraid that that will make them leave, and these fears seem to run deep from when I was very young...I'm not completely clear on how all of this works in my life day-to-day, but it seems like when my emotional/mental health is haywire...so is my eating and overall self-care, I feel abandond and then I bale on myself. Confusing, exhausting...but the picture, the puzzle is slowly getting put together.
Painful, so painful this morning to feel that wrenching away of my progress, to see that I need to dig out from this 11 pound hole just to get where I was 3 weeks ago. But I'm actually really proud of myself...I felt my feelings right away this morning and was able to have a hash-out about it with Cindy right away too. We together did a review, covering all the bases that had gotten sloppy over the last month...2x walks each day, no breads, multiple protein powder shakes in between meals to help with my appetite and maintain my energy....missed a few appt.s with Annette, I did not weigh-in for 3 weeks.
So very clearly, all of these bases not getting covered over a few weeks and everything starts to digress. But maybe long-term the gift of running myself into the ditch like this is knowing I NEED to weigh-in every week for me, just helps me to stay accountable....2 weeks ago I could have caught this slide and not taken out so much slack that now needs to be reeled in.
It's scary to look back and be able to see the fundamental mistakes on the surface, and see what needs changing and needs to be executed on....but underneath - the subtle, but so, so strong under-currents that steer me towards suffering without even knowing it's happening....that's the stuff that I'm looking to change. I'm bummed about this setback, believe me...but I'm just as confident and actually pretty stoked about dropping it back in gear and getting things back on track....and I'm not blowin' smoke here, but if this episode can help me ultimately make the internal changes and shifts that can keep me from running from pain in the future by using food & overall neglecting myself by not exercising...then maybe I can stay with this plan, continue my journey towards freedom and be hopefully less affected by this pain inside around abandonment.
My freedom from this prison seems very much determined by the bars on the inside getting removed, my body is merely a result....I'm doing my very best to be honest, sharing this setback today was very scary, as I'm often riddled with "Pass or Fail" thinking and I've always been afraid of letting people down....that's why I'm really pretty amazed at how I'm processing things in my life these days and taking what I can from all the mistakes I make and I'm keeping my eyes on the prize.
I love being able to share my experience exactly as it is, scary no doubt....I never was a writer, not much of one now...but it's a new challenge for me and being to practice being vulnerable and nitty-gritty honest, like giving confession to a stranger on train..., it gives me so much hope that change is possible and that I can have the life I've always dreamt of....
A rainy day here, have a great Friday! Thanks alot for hanging in there with me, Ryan