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Friday Morning...

Friday, May 07, 2010

Taking a few deep breathes and looking forward! I gained 11 pounds since weighing in 3 weeks ago.

I really am doing my very best to learn from the mistakes I continue to make. I reverted back to some old behavior, period. I've felt alot more emotional pain in the last month than I have for a long time and it's obvious looking at my overall choices that I really need to do everything I can to learn and PRACTICE handling life stressors in healthier ways, whether it's going for walks, exercise, choosing to eat a chicken breast with some veggies instead of a meatball sub from a deli.

I've really been struggling with abandonment issues this past month, new situations that trigger old deep fears. I get afraid of speaking up for myself or telling people how I'm really feeling, because I get afraid that that will make them leave, and these fears seem to run deep from when I was very young...I'm not completely clear on how all of this works in my life day-to-day, but it seems like when my emotional/mental health is haywire...so is my eating and overall self-care, I feel abandond and then I bale on myself. Confusing, exhausting...but the picture, the puzzle is slowly getting put together.

Painful, so painful this morning to feel that wrenching away of my progress, to see that I need to dig out from this 11 pound hole just to get where I was 3 weeks ago. But I'm actually really proud of myself...I felt my feelings right away this morning and was able to have a hash-out about it with Cindy right away too. We together did a review, covering all the bases that had gotten sloppy over the last month...2x walks each day, no breads, multiple protein powder shakes in between meals to help with my appetite and maintain my energy....missed a few appt.s with Annette, I did not weigh-in for 3 weeks.

So very clearly, all of these bases not getting covered over a few weeks and everything starts to digress. But maybe long-term the gift of running myself into the ditch like this is knowing I NEED to weigh-in every week for me, just helps me to stay accountable....2 weeks ago I could have caught this slide and not taken out so much slack that now needs to be reeled in.

It's scary to look back and be able to see the fundamental mistakes on the surface, and see what needs changing and needs to be executed on....but underneath - the subtle, but so, so strong under-currents that steer me towards suffering without even knowing it's happening....that's the stuff that I'm looking to change. I'm bummed about this setback, believe me...but I'm just as confident and actually pretty stoked about dropping it back in gear and getting things back on track....and I'm not blowin' smoke here, but if this episode can help me ultimately make the internal changes and shifts that can keep me from running from pain in the future by using food & overall neglecting myself by not exercising...then maybe I can stay with this plan, continue my journey towards freedom and be hopefully less affected by this pain inside around abandonment.

My freedom from this prison seems very much determined by the bars on the inside getting removed, my body is merely a result....I'm doing my very best to be honest, sharing this setback today was very scary, as I'm often riddled with "Pass or Fail" thinking and I've always been afraid of letting people down....that's why I'm really pretty amazed at how I'm processing things in my life these days and taking what I can from all the mistakes I make and I'm keeping my eyes on the prize.

I love being able to share my experience exactly as it is, scary no doubt....I never was a writer, not much of one now...but it's a new challenge for me and being to practice being vulnerable and nitty-gritty honest, like giving confession to a stranger on train..., it gives me so much hope that change is possible and that I can have the life I've always dreamt of....

A rainy day here, have a great Friday! Thanks alot for hanging in there with me, Ryan
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Ryan -

    Lots of
    for you!!

    Yes, you had a setback in regards to your weight. On the other hand, you made a leap by allowing yourself to share, be honest, and open yourself up and in a huge way. That's real progress and that kind of progress stays with you, you can always lose the weight another week. So kudos to you for making a breakthrough of a bigger kind!!!
    4062 days ago
    Hey man, been busy here or I would certainly have written back to you yesterday.
    A couple things I am thinking here. One, stop worrying about other people whether it is positive or negative, it's not about them it is about you and only you. For example, you hear people say, I have to do this for my kids or such. I never felt that way. Did I want to lose weight and get healthier so I could be able to do things with my daughter, of course. But I was doing it for ME first.
    Second, I was wondering what happen with your weigh-ins, now I know. But have you actually been weighing in and just not letting us know? Or is this truly the first time you have weighed in since three weeks ago? My theory because it helps me mentally is to "officially" weigh-in once a month. Yet step on the scale 2-3 times per week for myself to judge which direction I am going.
    And last, we all get into a little rut now and then, it happens, it's part of life. But the fact you know you are doing it or have done it should show you how much you really have learned. And you can move forward.
    Now forget about the gain and move on. I'm here for ya!

    Take care and stay healthy

    4063 days ago
    Hey, Ryan. Thanks for letting us in on your fears and pain -- I'm sure it was very a very very hard time the last three weeks. Each of us have one or two of those little secrets that we just Know will have dire results if we reveal them. Yours are deep and powerful - and yet we're all still here -- and your lovely Cindy is there and still is your partner in your journey. Hold these thoughts close.

    In truth, I think you are a wonderful writer. You have expressed yourself well and conveyed your thoughts -- nothing is better than that! Please keep it up.
    4064 days ago
    Wow! Ryan,

    I feel like I could write you a book!! Thank you so much for sharing at such a deep level today. I recognized so much of what you said in myself!! I have put some weight back on and am struggling with similar thoughts. And one of my main issues is abandonment.

    One of the things I think about is that in the past few months, I have made whatever progress I have made dealing with issues WITHOUT having food there as a prop (for the most part). Taking away the pseudo support we felt from food and still being able to work through issues is a major accomplishment.

    Your willingness to trust enough to write your feelings down shows just how true of a real person you are! I admire that so much. One of the comments above said how much of an encouragement you are to so many. (I am definitely one!) Your willingness to be open and vulnerable is what helps those of us who feel supported by the privilege of watching your journey.

    Don't lose hope. You can to this, and we're all here to support you and wish you well. You rock!!!

    4064 days ago
    Ryan, what you wrote today took a lot of courage and I applaud you for it. It was nice to see that you're not beating yourself for your gain. You see what went wrong and you're ready to fix it. I think that is a major accomplishment. We all know that you'll be back on track and we look forward to sharing your journey with you. Keep up the great work!!
    4064 days ago
    Thanks for having the courage to be honest. No one likes to talk about the setbacks or the gains, but it is important to put it out there and thank you for doing that. It happens to everyone but when no one talks about it we tend to think that we are alone or that we failed. But it is just like life, it has it's ups and downs. As long as we move forward more than we move back we will get to where we are going. You know what you need to do, and I have no doubt that you will get it done!!
    4064 days ago
    HI Ryan, thanks for sharing your set back. I gained 3lbs last week over my Hubbys b-day weekend. I was to ashamed to log this gain on Spark. It takes guts to log a gain, and to change your award from 100 to 90. Since you were able to do this and look over what kind of changes you need to make, I am sure you will be able to work on what got you going on this detour.

    Also do not have "Toxic Guilt" about the last 3 weeks. I am sure 3 weeks from now, everything will even out.

    4064 days ago
    Keep on keeping on. Your status is good. Learn from mistakes. Have a really good push week and move yourself forward.
    4064 days ago
    Set backs are inevitable....I gained 9 pounds between November/December. The key is taking the steps to let it for and continue on....I did lose those 9 pounds and more...If I can, so can you!

    4064 days ago
    It's great that you're not just working on losing weight and getting physically healthier, but you're also working on improving your emotional health at the same time. It can be hard work but it sounds like you're doing a great job. Thanks for taking the time to analyze yourself and put your feelings into words - it helps not only you but other people too. Keep up the good work!
    4064 days ago
    Ryan, So proud of you for sharing with us what you're going through! You are still doing great and I know you'll keep sparking!! You are a huge motivator here for so many. Take care of yourself - we are all rooting for you! You actually articulated how I've been feeling for a while but couldn't put into words myself! We will get past the set backs!! Hang in there - you're doing great overall!
    4064 days ago
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