Thank You, Angels!
Sunday, February 06, 2011
I am so deeply humbled, overwhelmed, and grateful for the outpouring of prayers for my mother, my family, and myself that were requested on my February 3rd blog, Calling All Angels.
I did as a dear personal friend, and so many of you advised. I told my mother on Friday that I was going to be fine, that if it was time for her to go Home, to go to my grandparents where God had a place for her waiting, that it was okay. I told her that my heart hurt, that it made me sad, but that I was going to be okay as long as she wasn't hurting and suffering, and that I wanted her to do what she needed to do. I asked her to fight to come back to us if that was what she wanted, but if she just wanted to sleep and go to Heaven, that was fine, too.
On Saturday, yesterday, she opened her eyes and spoke cognitively off and on all day. She had to be coaxed to take some broth and liquids. She was belligerent, combative, and very childish a lot of the time. She even used some foul language on us as we tried to get her to eat and drink. She was so unlike the mother I have always known, but she was fighting, moving her arms and legs that for a week had been immobile, and speaking loudly and clearly. I take all of this as a good sign. The nurses assure me that she doesn't know what she is really saying, that it is all part of her trying to come into focus and not realizing that the needles, pills, and nourishment being pushed at her are for her benefit. She is seeing it as people poking and prodding her sore and weak body. In her confused condition, she is being attacked and bothered.
Today the chest x-ray showed improvement on her lungs, that the pneumonia is responding to the antibiotics. They did have to put in a catheter, as she is not passing much fluid from her body. My sister and I managed to get some sprite, water, a little soup, and 1/2 of a mashed banana into her so far today. I am going back at dinner time to try to get some more down her. I left my lap top on her bedside table for the afternoon. My sister is playing Gaither Gospel DVDs for her, her favorites. Music, gospel music in particular, has always been a passion of my mother's. It is my hope that the music will speak to her and calm her.
I'm tired. I am bone weary. I feel like I have been almost living at Heartland for the last month, even moreso the last few days. I have talked to my inner self, and to my Lord. I have told my inner self that I must and will find a better balance as my mother heals. I have asked God to provide the way for me to find the balance, and the time needed to accomplish all I must. I look around at the house and I am disgusted by the way it looks right now. I just don't have the drive and motivation to do anything about it at the moment. But I will find the time and I will find time to rest better, not just to sleep at night, but to find rest time, quiet relaxation time for me during the day. My body is crying out for it, and my mind is so busy. I feel like my brain has become a hyperactive hamster running inside a wheel.
My one constant "feel good" time is my exercise. I completed the first week of P90 and started the second week today. It is the one place I will not compromise. If it the Lord's will for my mother to live longer, it is my desire for her to see me thinner and healthier. It looks like God just might be bringing my mother back to us. How can I not do what I must to make what I asked for a reality? If I sit on my butt and do nothing, how can my prayer be realized?
Again, I thank you and I am so grateful for the enormous response to my prayer request. Spark People are WONDERFUL! I'm so blessed!