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Reality Check

Sunday, February 20, 2011

314 pounds... that is my reality. I am crippling my spirit and my body. I find it difficult to move around, I have no energy, I just want to sit in front of the TV but mostly, I want to EAT and EAT and EAT and EAT some more.

Just five months ago, I was on top of the world, I was changing my life and taking control of my food addiction. I exercised nearly everyday for 9 months and ate healthy foods and counted calories. I went from 330 pounds to 268 pounds, I was winning the race. And look at me now, even quicker than I lost it, I am nearly back to my start race. I claimed that I would never do that again, and here I sit... 314 pounds. My feet hurt, my body is swollen, clothes do not fit me and I am miserable.

I have this deep rooted weed within myself that I am watering with food. Its as if there is nothing that can satisfies its hunger.

I tell myself, I can do it again but in reality, if you do nothing, nothing will happen. I can not continue down this path. I must regain control and get this weed out of me. It is killing me.

I remember at one point last year that I knew I'd win the race but today I ask myself how do I get back to the track. I feel so lost.

I sat down and looked at the differences between now and then and honestly, I am not doing anything but EATING. I stopped SPARKING and Blogging in roughly September last year and well, there went my accountability. Slowly but surely, I went a week without a workout, then two and well it was over a month, then I tried it and I was exhausted, I didn't cook so I bought fast food, and craved ice cream and brought that in the house and never stopped. All of my healthy choices were at wayside.

I can not stand here and watch everything go with the tide. I must stand up and fight for my health. This isn't just about weight, this is my life and my health on the line.

When I began my journey last year, I didn't have a plan other than blogging. Before you knew it, I was involved and committed to changing my life. So today, I commit again. Blogging was a great accountability factor for me. I know the things I need to do but I keep making excuses not to do them. Hopefully, as I blog, I can work some of these things out.

To a new Day one!
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  • no profile photo PAMINHALF
    I'll gladly stand up with you and help in any way to get you back in the right direction. I've also been off the wagon and have to focus harder on the nutrition even if it sounds oh so good now it isn't worth it for that indulgence.

    3784 days ago
    Welcome back! We missed you! You did it once and can do it again!
    3796 days ago
    Agh! The dreaded 260s... I got down to 260 with Atkins almost 5 years ago (seriously, has it been *that* long?) For 4 months, I never saw 259.9 on the scale. So I took a break...and that's been 5 years now. I'm back to the 330s, a place that I too, said that I would never be. It's nuts to think how slippery that slope is.

    Keep posting and keep going! We'll be there to cheer you on!
    3805 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5897697
    Welcome back. I thought you looked familiar. If you did it once you can do it again. Round two and you need to go for a knock out!
    3807 days ago
    So glad to see you blogging again. I have missed it. It is easy to get off track, especially when changes come into play and I know you have had some changes with your job and all. You are an inspiration and just the fact that you are willing to sit down and let us all know where you are at in the journey and re-committ to your goals is awesome - just like you. I am so looking forward to continuing on this journey and more blogging from you. You really were instrumental in my excitement when I started in April of last year and I too have seen a lot of changes which have stalled my progress as well - as long as we don't stop, we're good.

    Anna. emoticon
    3810 days ago
  • DYA177
    Here at Spark, we don't judge. We SUPPORT!!! We ENCORAGE!!! We are warriors. We fall 10 times, but we get up 11 times. We are in this TOGETHER!!!

    Keep on Sparking!!!!
    3811 days ago
    Welcome back. I want to commend you on your return to Spark People. This process is a journey, you took a wrong turn and you are headed back in the right direction. You already know the way, you've been there before. emoticon You can do this, YOU CAN DO THIS! emoticon emoticon
    3811 days ago
    Hey girl, they don't call it a journey for nothing!! I'm not going to say "Welcome Back" since I don't believe you were really gone, merely standing still for a bit, but I'm glad you decided to continue moving forward!!! Come on ... let's move forward together and see what else is waiting for us around the bend. emoticon emoticon
    3811 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2826250
    Steph I'm so glad that you are getting back on! You are my inspiration and I felt kind of lost without reading about the things you're doing.

    My daughter and I have joined Weight Watchers on Jan 16 and so far have lost 5lbs each. It's a slow process but it seems to be working.

    Hang tough woman--you'll back on getting your mojo brewing! emoticon emoticon
    3812 days ago
    I am hoping that you get your spark back. I know it is an uphill battle. Much harder to climb than to keep the momentum going once you are on top of the ridge. You can do it! I know you can.
    3812 days ago
    Welcome back. I missed your blogs. I have gained almost all back again and had to refocus and take a look what I am missing. I did not eat the right food. I can exercise all I want it is only 20 percent. But it did gave me a great confidence boost. Food choices do make a big difference. Glad that you fight the fight again. You will win this. emoticon emoticon
    3812 days ago
    I swear I could have written this blog myself... I know exactly how you feel and you are right... If you do nothing, nothing will happen. I am adopting that motto! I know you have it in you because have done it! Its more than just eating. IT IS AN ADDICTION. Its worse than smoking or drinking or doing drugs. We need food to survive. We cant just quit it cold turkey. But we can make better choices for ourselves and for our family. As my husband tells me whenever I tell him I am "trying again..."
    He says "Nothing to it but to do it" And he is right. There is NO TRY. Only DO. I am here, we all are, anytime. You can do this! I believe in YOU! I remember seeing your pic with a 50 pound bag of dog food over your shoulder - the equivelant of what you'd lost. Do it again. You can!

    3813 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5868697
    Your blog resonated with me when I read the sentence about "I am not doing anything but EATING. I stopped SPARKING". It is so true that even with watching what I eat... not doing any kind of activity is not going to get me any where. I know what I need to do and how to do it, yet yesterday I chose to read and watch TV all day instead. Your commitment to your health helps light a fire under my butt and get committed too. Thanks for your honesty, keep the blogs coming!
    3813 days ago
    I am so glad to see that you are back. I have twice regain the weight i had lost, it is so frustrating when you think you have things under control. But us food addicts have to be careful and realize that we need to take time for ourselves and do things that fulfill us without food. I am starting over..... we can do this!!!
    3813 days ago
    I find throughout my journey it was about me making changes to my life that I could see myself sustaining. About 3 years ago, I started my journey, lots lots of inches, and lbs, and then slowly started to put other stressors back into the mix (like choosing to work OT rather then going to the gym, eating poorly and inconsistently due to my work schedule AGAIN) yes it was a vicious battle and I gained back 25lbs of the 40 I lost. I was a horrible feeling, and I dreaded where I was the 2nd time around. However, the thing that made me stronger was I knew what worked the first time. But I needed to make changes that I could sustain as a lifestyle change. You might want to take a look at your plan and categorize all you steps, what would you do for a short time to blast through a plateau, to consistently doing every day. I tend to work out 5 times a week and give myself a cheat meal on weekends with my hunny (I still order the healthy option) but the fact we are out on a date or at a hockey game. I will enjoy a glass of wine or a bit of cheese. Since being back on track I have re-lost my weight and surpast my lowest. Its all about finding what works for you, and sticking to it. You can do it, and you will see your results to keep you on track! :) Take care I wish you all the best.
    3813 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6465553
    I'm so glad you're back! You can do it girly!! You've done it before, & you can definitely do it again. Cheering you on, chica! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3813 days ago
  • MG3KDZ
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3813 days ago
    Welcome back!
    3813 days ago
    Welcome back! I just know you can do this!
    3813 days ago
    Welcome back! You can totally do it and rock it out again!! ONE DAY AT A TIME

    3813 days ago
    I LOVE your weed analogy!! That's an amazingly accurate description of what we all are facing!! You're definitely bringing things to the surface that will make all the difference in the light! (((((((HUGS)))))))) ~ Molly
    3813 days ago
    WELCOME back! I am here for you!!!
    3813 days ago
  • B-N-ME
    A new day!! You can make your dreams a reality!
    Need support, just look at all the people who are here for you!
    3814 days ago
    You're back! emoticon It's the next day. I've just read your Blog. emoticon for sharing. It's SO hard to admit the down times. emoticon So hard to get "back on the horse." emoticon I'm with you. We're with you. emoticon

    Keep on Blogging and Keep on Sparking!

    Carol emoticon
    3814 days ago
    This was a hard step to take and I am proud of you. I know you are feeling a myriad of emotions right now, but try to take a moment to be proud of what you accomplished before and know that you will have success again. We're all here for you.

    3814 days ago
    Carry on - you can do this!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! emoticon
    3814 days ago
  • no profile photo DIASTER
    See I told you we were all here waiting for you. Seems like a lot of us hit a wall and are now back on track. So very glad you are here, now lets get it going.
    3814 days ago
  • SARAH5321
    I am so glad you are back, I have kept checking on your page and I just knew it was only a matter of time before you were blogging again, all the enthusiasm you showed could not have faded away, you and I started out at roughly the same time and weight, I too had a couple of months "off" and it was not easy to get back on track but here we are, good luck and keep well.
    3814 days ago
    You can do this. So you had a BIG setback. So what? Go back to the Spark plan and start small. Just get your water in this week. Or pick some other small goal that you can achieve. We're rooting for you!
    3814 days ago
  • -CORAL-
    It's great to see you back on here! You can do it!!

    emoticon emoticon
    3814 days ago
  • SPRING1973
    You can do this- we are not at the same weight, but I know that feeling of emptiness which can never actually be filled by food, and the despair which comes every time you try. You ARE strong, and you have maintained a 16 lb loss for a year... that's 64 lbs of pressure less on your knees than when you started. I too had to start over in January, and accept that instead of 18 lbs, I was able to maintain a 6 lb loss last year. It took a bit of mental adjustment to see it that way, but I just kept repeating it until I believed it. I've started walking again 2 weeks ago, and find myself grinning just being outside and moving. YOU CAN DO THIS!

    emoticon Springli
    3814 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2903053
    It takes a strong person and a brave soul to admit their setbacks to not only others but to themselves. Your commitment is still there...by the sheer fact that you didn't "candy coat" the numbers or throw out excuses. That PROVES to me you still want this.

    You can do this and will do this. One day at a time...one step a time. We're all in this with you!! emoticon
    3814 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/21/2011 11:39:35 AM
    The good part is, you're back! You know inside this is what's best for you and will help you succeed, and that's why you returned. I stopped going to the gym over a year ago, telling myself I would work out at home, but that took away accountability and commitment, as well as when I stopped recording my foods and blogging. I'm back and I'm glad you are too. Us Sparkers are truly in this together
    3814 days ago

    Comment edited on: 2/21/2011 10:50:41 AM
    Welcome back! You can absolutely get back on the horse and you will be even better than the first time around because this time, you know what you're getting into and you know just what to do!!

    3814 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6619970
    emoticon back to emoticon . I did the same thing last year at about the same time. I have no idea why I simply stopped. I stopped blogging, I stopped tracking and in realty, I stopped caring. My weight skyrocketed. I came back two weeks into the new year. And, I am so glad. I am so glad to see you back. You can do this. You HAVE to do this. This is no longer for vanity, well, maybe it is, but it has to be for something more. Something more than just health, vanity, and family. You have to do this for YOU!! For not feeling lazy sore, for not feeling so out of control, for just being able to make the effort for SOMETHING. I have faith in you. Come back! We are here for you! emoticon
    3814 days ago
  • JOJOBEE318
    You can do it!
    3814 days ago
    Welcome back. You are only voicing what so many of us are doing and feeling, and that takes great courage. There are many of us who are only quietly observing hoping someone like you will say what we are too afraid to say. You did it before and know it's not a road with no curves. You just have to go around this new curve and as long as you are moving forward, it's progress!

    You can do it!
    3814 days ago
    Welcome back Stephanie, you can do this and we are here to help, support and kick your booty:) As you have stated you are in for the fight..... emoticon pink gloves included emoticon . As for your 314, once started I know you will see 299 in no time you have done this before and yes you can do this again.
    3814 days ago
    Glad to see you back online. I have logged into SP over 500 days in a row. It keeps me sane and committed. I don't miss that for anything. Stay committed to at least logging in and reading one blog each day and you will be surprised at what that few minutes does for your mind.

    I wish you the best.

    3814 days ago
  • no profile photo PAMINHALF
    You can do this and inspire others along the way that may have also taken a bit of a detour. emoticon just keep focused.
    3814 days ago
    Welcome back---YOU CAN DO THIS!
    3814 days ago
    Come on Steph. Baby steps lets do this again. You can and I can. No excuses. More moving and keep motivated. Lets get this journey on the road. :)
    3814 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3113429
    You did this before, you can do it again. You have all the tools you need and all the information to make it work again, this time for good. We all fall, but the winners are those who pick themselves up, dust themselves off and trudge on.

    We are all in this together. So we will not be here cheering you on, we are coming with you. You can do this. We can do this. We are doing this!
    3814 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7365258
    I slowed down a lot, myself, in August. I'm still working on getting back on track. It helps to start slow, with one change at a time.

    You can do it! It's hard, but it's worth it!
    3814 days ago
    Stephanie, you can do this! It's a journey and it's hard and we will have struggles and times where we fall, but I know you can get up again and do this! You have proven before that you can do this! You were active, you were blogging, you were tracking, and you were enjoying your new lifestyle. Life gets busy but you need to make time for you! Take 10 minutes every night, right before you go to bed, to write a quick blog and track your food. Give yourself 20 or 30 minutes a day where you do some sort of exercising, even if that means just walking on your lunch hour! And remember to drink your water! I promise you, as soon as you start seeing the smallest change, you will be so inspired again.. you can do this!
    3814 days ago
    I am just like you. I lost 125 and then gained back 60 of that. We're in this for the long haul. And we can do it!

    Take care and stay healthy

    3814 days ago
  • PROT358
    First let me say welcome back! I have missed hearing from you! Secondly it sure takes courage to come clean and admit your perceived failures, and I respect that.

    You say you feel lost, and I know that is something all of us at some time have felt. For now I want to issue you this challenge: start with making one correct choice, and I don't mean a habit of right choices; I mean one isolated right choice. And that choice must include some measure of self-sacrifice because you learn more from hard choices than you ever will from easy ones. For me that right choice is doing a really hard strength training routine tonight instead of going to bed. Believe me, my body wants to go to sleep. But I feel great, empowered even, knowing that I am making the better choice. You will feel a rush from knowing you have the self-control, the will power, to make that one difficult but worthwhile choice. Let that one choice act as a catalyst. No need to conquer the world and change everything at once. Let that one choice breed other right choices, and naturally it will. As you continue to make right choices, you will rediscover your willpower, and like a muscle no longer used it will grow stronger.

    Wishing you a great start to a great week!
    3814 days ago
    "You may have to fight a battle more than once to win it" - Margaret Thatcher

    This quote has really inspired me, and I hope it inspires you too! You can do it! The most important thing is that you're back, and you made a connection between what you stopped doing and how that affected your weight.
    3814 days ago
  • MOM23JS
    Steph, you do it by going day by day and step by step- we have missed you and are happy to have you back on the team!

    You can do it!!!
    3814 days ago
  • MOM23JS
    Steph, you do it by going day by day and step by step- we have missed you and are happy to have you back on the team!

    You can do it!!!
    3814 days ago
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