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Make a choice

Sunday, February 27, 2011

So, day 1 last week was a success and everyday since then has been a disaster. I've been on a binge for a few days now. It's crazy because I know what I want and I am doing exactly the opposite. Eating whatever I can get my hands on. It's the same self destructive behavior that I have been putting upon myself for years.

I know I need to change, I know it would benefit my health but in the moment, I don't care about anything else other than eating. This evening I am going to sit down and go through my bank account to look at the money I have wasted buying fast food. Hopefully that will help kick things in gear.

It scares me that I am back in a place of thinking about what I want and doing nothing about it. What is the problem? Clearly, I know the problem lays within myself, that I am not actually committing to making a change but WHY do I keep doing this to myself? I am falling back into a place of feeling no hope for "changing." The other day, I even reasoned with myself, this is who I am just meant to be.

How ridiculous, sure I am meant to be me, my personality, my quirkiness, my attitude and outlook... but a size, a weight doesn't equal a person. Why am I trying to reason that being overweight is just part of me? It isn't I am overweight because of the food choices that I make. It's not necessarily the food choice itself, it is the AMOUNT I choose to eat and the lack of exercise. I know these things yet I still eat, eat and eat. I've got to get out of this cloud, through this fog and back to a healthy reality. I do not want to be this person who constantly thinks of food or the next meal. Food does not define me yet it makes up most of my time, whether that is in thoughts or consumption. Food consumes my thoughts these days. My addiction. My love. My friend. My enemy. My source of energy. My lack of energy. My existence. My disease. My lover. My obsession. My confusion. My faith. My end of existence. MY CHOICE. Make a choice, make a choice, make a choice!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Fantastic job! emoticon
    1906 days ago
    I am where you are now too. I have finally found my motivation again. I just hope I can keep it going. I keep telling myself I did it once i can do it again. I know what it takes, and I have what it takes to get it done. You do too girl, you have proven it already. Find your motivation. emoticon emoticon
    3520 days ago
    I'm wishing all the best for you.
    I know it's hard!
    Rhonda emoticon
    3590 days ago
    Thank you so much for writing this! I am right where you are. I have been eating like a crazy person lately. Ruining my 50lb weight loss and not caring. Today I've started anew. Everyone in my work place knows that I've been working out and eating right, and I am completely embarrassed if I started to gain back plus more and candy and cookies started showing up on my desk again. So, I am back at this again starting today after a month or two of doing whatever I wanted. I can't continue doing this to myself.. yet it's so easy.
    3723 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1904002
    You can do it. We've all been there, I'm still battling that problem right now myself - but not giving up. Every day is a new day and I just start over. That's how lucky we are! emoticon
    3723 days ago
    I along with some of the others here could have written the exact same words you wrote in this blog. It is not easy and it is not going to be easy - BUT you are worth this fight. I read somewhere once that when you binge you are trying to smother some feeling, but the food does not make the feeling go away. It is still there even after the binge. You have to realize that no matter what the reason is for the binge, what you are trying to feed yourself through,the feeling that you are trying to stifle is not bigger than your worth. Stay strong and try to make just one day without a binge and then try for one more. It is one day at a time that makes this weight loss journey possible! emoticon
    3723 days ago
    Just found your blog...my heart aches because I have been in that place most of my adult life and I could relate to every word. You are strong and powerful...stronger than the disease that seeks to keep you from making the choices you want to...the choices you deserve. You can and will overcome....I will be cheering you on all the way!
    3724 days ago
    Keep the faith. You KNOW how good it feels to be on the right track, eating the right foods and getting lots of exercise. You CAN do this!! Focus on the GOOD!
    3724 days ago
    Your entries really resonate with me, 'cuz I've done the same thing, felt very much like you have too.

    First off--I want to say that reading your entries here is very, very encouraging to me, and inspiring to me as well. I hope you realize that your honesty and your struggle hits home with so many! We are on your side. That's the beauty of Spark, isn't it? Finding people we relate to and want to cheer on & encourage and so forth.

    So. I just want to say--take a deep breath. then take several more. Calm your nerves a little bit. Someone told you in another entry--fall down 10 times, get up 11...that is so true. Never give up on you. If you fall--and it seems that we do in life--we have to get back up. You *are* picking yourself back up, and you *are* deciding to go forward with your weight loss journey.

    Just for today--decide you'll drink the water you need to. Just for today, cut one of your portions in half. Do something different that you didn't do the other days. And then each day, move forward.

    You're more than just your desire to eat. You can be probably anything you'd like to be...

    We're on your side! The hard work of changing our choices is up to each one of us though. It is hard sometimes, gosh, it's so challenging. Let's move forward for today!
    I wish you peace and a day of good choices...
    3724 days ago
    Promise2design said it exactly as I would've... Everyday is a new day to turn it all around, discipline yourself but dont be hard on yourself :))
    3724 days ago
    First let me say that I am glad to see you back
    Second - forgive yourself
    Let me say it again, forgive yourself and start fresh
    You are not the person your were at the beginning, even if you have fallen back into bad habits - you already know that you can live differently - it is up to you, and you will make the right choice.
    I have been on the Spark for over 1.5 years and almost every successful person I follow has had a major backslide...including me. I went back up from 189 to 216 before I caught myself, forgave myself and started fresh.
    Go back to basics
    Find an achievable SHORT TERM GOAL (get rid of the guilt that you have to retrack -it's not helping you)
    You have all of the tools to succeed
    Forgive yourself
    3724 days ago
    Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start all over again! For your health, for you, for your son!

    Hang in there! I have done Atkins, good luck!
    3724 days ago
    3724 days ago
    Hey woman. You KNOW and I KNOW you can do it. Good luck. Hope Atkins does the temporary trick and youre back on track soon.
    3724 days ago
    I could have wrote this blog myself. This internal battle never ends. Even after losing 150+ pounds I found myself with stomach lust this weekend. Thinking about food way toooo much. I've noticed when my exercise is suffering, my stomach gets louder. When my exercise is on track, I am more inclined to stick to my plan. You can work thru this! You're not the same person you were, or you wouldn't have wrote this blog. emoticon
    3725 days ago
  • LDY_ALI_79
    emoticon Stay strong & stay the course, it's something that I experience from time to time! I too just got back on the saddle! emoticon

    Take care~
    3725 days ago
    As you have read on your responses you are experiencing the same thoughts and feelings that many of us have, but please, please don't give up! You have so much more support here than you can even imagine.

    Believe me it takes a lot of time to peruse this site and discover just how much information and motivation is contained within the Sparkpeople site. Use all it has to offer!

    A few tips that have helped me to "get my head in the right place"......

    1 Do it for you and your future health and well being!

    2 Use the nutrition and fitness trackers and be honest ...they really are very informative.

    3 Rid your home of the temptations and replace them with healthier choices

    4 Don't deprive yourself entirely, portion control is crucial. If I absolutely can't shake the craving, I indulge just a wee bit, but I seriously limit the amount and don't do it often.

    5 Don't go full bore into everything, take one step at a time, literally. Take leisurely timed walks then walk a little farther and faster the following week.

    6 Find sparkfriends who motivate you and nurture those relationships!

    7 Blogging is cleansing!!

    Everyone here has experienced the same demons at times, but your inner desire and the support of your sparkfriends can help you win the battle!

    Good luck in your journey.....we are all behind you!

    3725 days ago
    You can do this!!! Sometimes is hard for us to find our will and determination to do the things that will give us the results we want but you have done it before and can do it again!!!! Forget about past failures and look toward future success. We believe in you!!! emoticon on your decision to moving forward!!!
    3725 days ago
  • AMYJO713
    I know what you're going through - I could have written exactly what you've written and it is 100% true for me as well...we can do this - it is an emotional mind game - and we can win!

    3725 days ago
    Soul search and see if you discover where it all began... and why???
    3725 days ago
    May I suggest you work on sustainable. Also, work on the exercise part and sometimes the food part will follow.

    Right now I am pretty well at the top of my calorie range or over. I am not getting to the gym daily and while I work hard when I am there, I burn myself out (and my knees as well!) too quickly. I am also having trouble finding the motivation to get up early and go on the days I am not there because of my kidlet.

    But! I know this is a forever thing for me so one month here or there isn't going to be the end of the world. The *trend* to try and improve things is what I need to work on. I also know when I push myself too far my head explodes with all the old diet issues I have had in the past. I refuse to go there anymore and I am trying to suggest that maybe that's what you need to address as well. Find a way that you can live every day for the rest of your life. If that means pizza, then let it be pizza but less pizza than before and less often than before. Track it. Work out. Anything you do is better than not doing it at all. Tracking 2500 calories is better than tracking 2600. Taking a walk or even doing some calesthenics on the family room carpet is better than doing nothing at all.

    I know you know all this but perhaps it will help a little bit to know that I struggle with this all as well. I lost a lot of ground this last while as well but once I got back to the gym on a regular basis (although not an ideal schedule) it helped. I know you dropped your membership but maybe get some videos that seem like fun and try that. I don't know what to say other than sustainable is the way to go for me. Oh yea, and the winter sucks. *lol* I think that's half the battle.

    Good luck!

    3725 days ago
    You aren't alone! While I was reading this blog, I was thinking, "How in the heck did she know what I've been going through?" I sympathize because I've been there...and still find myself there often. Hang in there!! One day at a time!! emoticon
    3725 days ago
    Get off the carbs!!! Too many Carbs drives my body nuts.
    Get heavy on the protein, chicken breasts, lean pork, eggs, even beef if you can eat it. It will turn off the cravings, depression, out of control appetite. I guarentee it!

    You can do this. STOP NOW. WE are pulling for you.
    Kick fat to the curb!

    emoticon emoticon
    I've been where you are. We can beat it.

    sandy in CA
    3725 days ago
    Someone told me something recently that made a lot of sense: there is no such thing in life as fate or destiny. We aren't MEANT to do or be anything. We are and we become what we want - not what some unknown thing determines for us. You have the power to control absolutely everything that happens to you and for you!

    If someone in your life were to walk up to you and tell you that you weren't MEANT to be happy, weren't MEANT to have children, weren't MEANT to lose weight - you'd probably punch them in the face (well, at least I would). Who are they to say what you can and can't do with your life? So then, why would you say something like that to yourself? Don't accept treating yourself poorly as your fate. It doesn't exist!
    3725 days ago
    Hang in there.Don't give up. emoticon . emoticon . emoticon
    3725 days ago
  • NINNY165
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    Make a choice to do your best in the moment:
    HALT before eating.Don't let yourself get too hungry , angry, lonely, or tired....
    Usually if I overeat...it is because of one of these emotions...address the issue with a productive solution.... emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3725 days ago
    I remember when I stumbled upon your blog last year when I first joined Spark and thought WOW! this chick is on fire!!! I love reading your blogs because you are a fantastic writer and so real!! I think you've nailed it -- this weight loss journey boils down to choice. We have to make the right choices on a daily basis and own it. Period.
    3725 days ago
  • B-N-ME
    Just look at all the people who believe in you!! Count me in as one of them. I can't answer what is going on inside of you, only you know that for sure, but what I can say is that you are worth figuring it out! You are worth the work, the struggles and victories that can and will be ahead of you.
    Try to focus on how good you felt when you were well on your way on this journey...you can make it!
    One foot in front of the other, one step at a time!!
    I look forward to reading a future blog of yours about your success! emoticon
    3725 days ago
    All I can write is that you are not alone, not ever ! Big hug to you Stephanie:)
    3725 days ago
  • DOODIE59
    Might I suggest going on a one or two week sugar busting cleanse? There are a number of books on it. You'll find the first week harsh in terms of your body really desiring sugar, but once you get past that, you'll feel a lot better, and without the cravings the task of choosing the right foods gets a LOT easier. Believe me. Removing that cravings barrier will make your goals much more accessible.

    All my best wishes for you on your journey --
    3725 days ago
    MEZZOANGEL just wrote a couple of blogs about self sabotage that I think would really help you right now.
    3725 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7466362
    Sometimes the pressure of restarting is a little too much (I know this from waay too much experience) and boom! Everything starts going in. What has helped me is to remove processed foods from my house and diet. It isn't easy, I still get urges but not cravings. I think there is a difference. And it took me a couple of months to get off the fast food addiction. You are so, so worth it! Just take it one meal at a time. Oh heck yeah, you can do this!

    3725 days ago
    Steph....hang in there sister. You CAN do this! I know it is hard, I am having the same issues...maybe this is just where I am supposed to be. BUT....if you don't like where you are then you should change it. I DON'T like where I am and I am trying to change it ~ even though I seem to self sabotage all the time...ugh! We can do it....You motivate me....I am so pleased to see you back on the SP site....xoxo

    3725 days ago
  • no profile photo CD2560890
    My good friend. SLow down. You are not where you were and you are not who you were so step up to today. It is what you choose 1 tiny step at a time that will rekindle your confidence and it won't happen now, today or tomorrow. Take a step, celebrate and wait for the next step. Take that step, celebrate and consider where to go from there. SLow and steady will bring you back to the happy you.

    Love ya,

    3725 days ago
    Oh my goodness--You can do this---Lordy Be--If I am doing it --and it isn't easy---you can!------ Go one meal at a time----- So what if you have scewed up an hour ago--start now --Oh I wish I was close to yu!------- Go hour by hour the first day-----
    3725 days ago
    Sorry this is happenin Steph, you were in a great place for awhile and really rockin & shakin this place up. Get your grove back girlfriend and get your arse back in the game. I know you can do it as well as you do. So I know it is tough been there, done that, but let's DO THIS! Here for ya!!
    3725 days ago
    I have no real advice to give you except to say you are important! You must take care of you. Take each day slowly and dont let the the day before get you down!
    Each day is a new day!
    3725 days ago
    What I've been telling my-self...If you give into the bad/negative choice, you only give it validity. Let's give that validity to the choices that deserve it!!

    We are all rooting for your success girl!
    3725 days ago
    First let me say you ARE a success story!'

    I went through the exact same thing a few weeks ago, binging on chocolate until I was sick and then moving on to anything else! It's a horrible place when your mind becomes obsessed and kinda takes over, believe me I know!!

    I had to completely de-tox myself.....

    I absolutely think there are things in processed foods that cause cravings and are addicting and just make things crazy for some people. People like me!

    Try just stopping anything processed, smoothies and tons of fruit are helping me with the sugar and now my body is craving the right things again...

    Hang in there, you can and will do this!!

    3725 days ago
    i can totally relate to everything you wrote. and i have to admit that it is a constant struggle to make the right choices.

    one thing that is helping me is to make one choice at a time--i know that sounds very simple but it takes practice. for example, the other day i was driving home and i was pretty hungry. my first thought was to exit the freeway and go to a taco bell. at that moment i knew i had a decision to make. so i asked myself what my options were and thought about what i had at home that would be a better choice in food than taco bell. now, i don't always make the right choice but i can proudly say that i make the right choice most of the time, which brings me to my second point.

    the all or nothing attitude/mentally is something i had to eliminate out of my life completely--it is absolutely unproductive in developing a healthy eating life style because we cannot be perfect EVER!! i used to think that if i messed up once, why bother with the rest of the day, the week, the month, the year. since i couldn't do the right thing all the time, i wouldn't do it any of the time--and that attitude and the actions that went with it were killing me. i needed to concentrate on what i did right and not what i did wrong.

    nowadays if i make one good choice in the day that's what i choose to concentrate on so that next time i need to make a decision, i can hopefully make the right one!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3725 days ago
  • TRICIA0623
    So sorry you are struggling. We all go through that fight with food being our friend or our enemy. In the past it has helped me to log what I eat (but not worry about what I am eating..eat what I want) & track how I feel before during & after. I rarely overeat if I am eating due to hunger & I always feel worse when I do overeat. I know that, as I am sure you do, but the siren song of food makes me forget sometimes.

    I know you will get back on track & make the choices that work for you, your life & your body. You have been so inspiring to me on this spark journey, please know I am here for you!!!


    3725 days ago
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