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Denial, Depression, and Decisions..... (warning long)

Sunday, April 03, 2011

Alright my spark friends I need some advise. This is a very personal blog and I am just at a loss of what to do at this point and am looking for some outside insight. A little background to help...

3 years ago I got married, was living in Georgia, and working with my family. We owned a commercial construction company and were in the process of opening a family winery. Well the construction company was footing the winery and when the economy tanked we lost business and we were screwed out of a lot of money. When I say a lot of money I mean A LOT of money. My family and I lost most everything and my poor father lost his dream. I found myself pregnant and my husband was working with us as well so we had a really rough time. We were trying to keep the business alive and not taking any money we finally had to go on unemployment while trying to get the businesses back to life. We lost our insurance, our jobs, and we're barely making our bills, all while I was pregnant. I had to go on medicaid or medicare ( I can not remember which) so that we could afford to go to the hospital and honestly it was some of the hardest things I have had to go through or so I thought...haha. It got so bad we had to call my hubby's parents for money to make our mortgage so we did not lose our house. Well long story shorter, Phillip's parents own a company and Phillip went to work for them....in Michigan...... after trying for months to find something in Georgia with no success. 2 weeks after I had Nathan we worked on the house a little bit and Phillip left to work with his family and left me in Georgia to try to sell our house. This was November of 2009, I finally ended up joining him in Michigan shortly after Christmas where we lived and are still living until we sell our house.

So here I am with barely a prospect for our house, car less, jobless, with a toddler in my in-laws house. I have always taken care of myself. I have had a job sense I was 15 years old and a car for that matter. I am in such a rut. I am depressed and feeling as though I have to compromise who I am and how I feel about everything. I am from a large family and I HATE daycare. The plan was to work with my family with my child but obviously that did not work out. I do not have any family here or friends. Phillip's family all work and/or to far away to help. With only 1 car now this makes the situation even stickier. I have been sitting here in this house for a year and half for the first time in my life just waiting for things to work itself out. Waiting to sell the house so that we can get another. I have never waited for anything in my life I have always gone out and got it. I guess what I am trying to say here is I feel like I need to do something. Every time I break down and look at daycares I start crying, if its not the general idea of it it is the price. Does it make sense to get a job and put him in daycare when I might not make more then what it costs to put him there?? If I do not try what does that say about me?? Am I not trying? Working out has helped me some what but I am lonely and the weather here does not help. Keep in mind I am from a large family and we are all close and I am used to be surrounded by people and busy and it is just a complete 180 from what I have always known. I am so thankful to have Phillip's parents that let us live in their home and have Phillip work for them. I do not want to sound like I am not. I think I have just lost my strength and my drive and I am not an unhappy person and now I find myself struggling to stay positive. Am I over thinking all of this. Should I just sit and try to patiently wait and stay at home with my son like I feel like I should but at the same time it is tearing at my pride. This seems to be the largest issue, my pride. I feel like I have been whittled down to nothing and it tears me up.

Ok I am going to stop. There is so much more that I could say but I think that is enough self pity for one night. I am sorry to my stars team as I have not been very focused and driven lately just had bad news after bad news over the last 2 weeks and am reaching emotional limits. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions if you get this far..haha...and I hope everyone has a great week!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    When my kids were young, I did not have the patience to be a long-term stay at home mom. Even a part time job would keep your mental and emotional state fed. Take the time and check out day cares, and then see what happens. You may be surprised. PLUS the child gets good stimulation being with other kids too. It CAN be a good thing, if you make it so. HUGS!
    3763 days ago
    Hang in there, your feelings are totally normal. My story is over 20 years old but the loneliness and blow to my pride is similar. I came from a small family and for all intents and purposes (except for some help with tuition) was on my own since I was 18 yrs old. I took much pride in finishing school, supporting myself, and being the major breadwinner when I was first married. We moved from a city to a small town so my husband could work in the family business. When I got pregnant, I was high risk, had to stop working, bedrest, premature infant, etc. Many factors kept me isolated. I also lived in a community where the average age was about 70 yrs old (I'm not kidding).

    Once the baby was able to get out ( about 9 months old) I joined groups of other mothers and even organized a playgroup (this was for the moms- kids were too young to play with one another), I carried on and volunteered with my child in church activities and became a girl scout leader. Networking with other moms helped when I had to spend 5 months on bedrest while caring for a 4 yr old.

    I also hated daycare and was lucky enough not to have to use it. I went back to work when my youngest was in 2nd grade.

    Keep in mind it is normal to get down when you're alone with a small child most of the time. That's why finding others to share experiences with is essential. Parenting is the hardest job in the world. I know you're doing a great job!

    3764 days ago
    I'm sorry you're going through this. I completely feel for you on the daycare issue. That's why I am staying home with my kids now and just working part-time when my hubby isn't. My mom was watching my kids for free and when she had to go back to work it would have cost almost as much for daycare as I was bringing home. Do you have insurance now? You might want to look into a counselor. Sometimes they will work with you on a sliding scale if you don't have insurance.

    I will pray for you, honey.
    3764 days ago
    Daycare always does seem like a "wash", with the cost so much! Have you looked into play date groups with other parents with kids the same age? I don't think these groups cost $, but it would get you out meeting other parents, and perhaps run into a kindred spirit...Life is always easier with good friends close at hand! I don't have any grand advice...just wanted you to know I'm thinking of you...I hope it all comes together for you soon! emoticon
    3765 days ago
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