Denial, Depression, and Decisions..... (warning long)
Sunday, April 03, 2011
Alright my spark friends I need some advise. This is a very personal blog and I am just at a loss of what to do at this point and am looking for some outside insight. A little background to help...
3 years ago I got married, was living in Georgia, and working with my family. We owned a commercial construction company and were in the process of opening a family winery. Well the construction company was footing the winery and when the economy tanked we lost business and we were screwed out of a lot of money. When I say a lot of money I mean A LOT of money. My family and I lost most everything and my poor father lost his dream. I found myself pregnant and my husband was working with us as well so we had a really rough time. We were trying to keep the business alive and not taking any money we finally had to go on unemployment while trying to get the businesses back to life. We lost our insurance, our jobs, and we're barely making our bills, all while I was pregnant. I had to go on medicaid or medicare ( I can not remember which) so that we could afford to go to the hospital and honestly it was some of the hardest things I have had to go through or so I thought...haha. It got so bad we had to call my hubby's parents for money to make our mortgage so we did not lose our house. Well long story shorter, Phillip's parents own a company and Phillip went to work for them....in Michigan...... after trying for months to find something in Georgia with no success. 2 weeks after I had Nathan we worked on the house a little bit and Phillip left to work with his family and left me in Georgia to try to sell our house. This was November of 2009, I finally ended up joining him in Michigan shortly after Christmas where we lived and are still living until we sell our house.
So here I am with barely a prospect for our house, car less, jobless, with a toddler in my in-laws house. I have always taken care of myself. I have had a job sense I was 15 years old and a car for that matter. I am in such a rut. I am depressed and feeling as though I have to compromise who I am and how I feel about everything. I am from a large family and I HATE daycare. The plan was to work with my family with my child but obviously that did not work out. I do not have any family here or friends. Phillip's family all work and/or to far away to help. With only 1 car now this makes the situation even stickier. I have been sitting here in this house for a year and half for the first time in my life just waiting for things to work itself out. Waiting to sell the house so that we can get another. I have never waited for anything in my life I have always gone out and got it. I guess what I am trying to say here is I feel like I need to do something. Every time I break down and look at daycares I start crying, if its not the general idea of it it is the price. Does it make sense to get a job and put him in daycare when I might not make more then what it costs to put him there?? If I do not try what does that say about me?? Am I not trying? Working out has helped me some what but I am lonely and the weather here does not help. Keep in mind I am from a large family and we are all close and I am used to be surrounded by people and busy and it is just a complete 180 from what I have always known. I am so thankful to have Phillip's parents that let us live in their home and have Phillip work for them. I do not want to sound like I am not. I think I have just lost my strength and my drive and I am not an unhappy person and now I find myself struggling to stay positive. Am I over thinking all of this. Should I just sit and try to patiently wait and stay at home with my son like I feel like I should but at the same time it is tearing at my pride. This seems to be the largest issue, my pride. I feel like I have been whittled down to nothing and it tears me up.
Ok I am going to stop. There is so much more that I could say but I think that is enough self pity for one night. I am sorry to my stars team as I have not been very focused and driven lately just had bad news after bad news over the last 2 weeks and am reaching emotional limits. Thanks to everyone for your suggestions if you get this far..haha...and I hope everyone has a great week!