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Rough Couple of Weeks

Thursday, April 07, 2011

I haven't blogged since the end of December in typical "me" fashion, but the past few days have been really rough and I just need an outlet.

A couple of weeks ago, I was diagnosed with ADD. My feelings about this have been mixed. On the one hand, it explains SO much about my life (like the fact that I could never really get myself to do homework, the fact that I am awful at maintaining any sort of balance in my life, my disorganization, my inability to stick to ANY plan, ever...the list goes on..); on the other hand it's incredibly frustrating because I'm looking back at all of the problems I've gone through in the past few years and I wonder how many of them could have been solved if I had been diagnosed earlier.

Right now I'm feeling like a complete failure. Law school is...rough (obviously), and it's exacerbated by the fact that I can't concentrate on my homework. I feel like I'm drowning. I always thought that law school would be a great fit for me, and while I love being challenged I've had a hard time dealing with the fact that I'm not quite as smart as I think I am. I feel lost, like I'm drifting.

I've been trying to stick to a workout plan. I've been doing Jillian Michaels's 30 Day Shred Program. I'm almost done with level 2, and while I'm noticing changes in my body (more toned arms, etc.) I'm not losing weight. At all. I've actually gained 2 pounds in the past 2 weeks. Part of it has to do with my diet, but the more I try to control what I eat, the more I want to binge. All year I've tried not to keep much food in the apartment, but last week I was fed up and went shopping for HEALTHY stuff. Armed with the shopping list from the meal plan I got on Jillian's website, I spent a small fortune on ingredients for healthy meals. I cooked for myself monday and tuesday, but yesterday my schedule didn't permit me to cook and I came home and overate...again. This morning, I was so sore/tired I got up to do my workout and just layed on the floor of my living room instead. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?!

I'm just in a bad place today. emoticon

"When it's time to go to sleep I wonder which one I will fight
Which torment will attack on any given night
The first will come and get me and force me to believe
That there really ain't a place for anyone like me

Or will it be those voices asking "why can't I succeed?"
Until the indignation burns so bad, my knuckles start to bleed
And the doubt comes on like drowning, until I can't get a breath
The desire's like some heart attack that never lets me rest

You win, you win
If it's gonna hurt this much...you win
Now I don't even care
I just wanted to be there

And the cool kids took the game away
Now I don't even want to play
You win...I hate this stuff

I slip into a party and I hope no one can tell
What I'm really like or how I'm really scared as hell
Somewhere, out of nowhere, my confidence comes back
And that little red caboose just starts to work that old smokestack

Ah, but I still hear these voices asking "who you trying to be?"
And my reservations kick my ass until I have no idea
And the doubt comes on like drowning, until I can't get a breath
The desire's like some heart attack that never lets me rest"
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