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Learning 2 Feel my feelings, Black Swan, Bryce & Yoshimi

Thursday, April 21, 2011

I’ve been meaning to write this for a long time, but keep putting it off, or deleting it. Mainly because its so personal. Now, I don’t mind my Sparkpeople reading this, I’m generally an open book. Thinking on that though, I guess I’m not an open book with myself.

I grew up in an abusive household. My mom was great, but my sister & father were awful!! My dad was a WestPoint graduate. His idea of feelings was to keep them to yourself. If ever I cried his response was “would you like me to give you a reason to cry.” My parents had bank. Whenever my dad was done giving me those reasons, he would pay me off, I guess thinking that would ease his guilt. The payments were great, a new car, money, ect. I hated it, he even once had the gaul to say, “well I gave you that car.” The only response I would get from him was, you don’t have any brains, and you better keep up your looks. Your sister has the brains, but she’s fat. The only thing that will get you far is your looks. Don’t ever gain any weight.

So, I learned at an early age to keep my feelings hidden and to myself.

When I married things changed, we’ve been married now for 23 years (24 on July 24th!) I see my life as two different people. The one I was before I found my hubby, and the one I have now with my hubby. I was very blessed to run into him! But, 2 years into our marriage we lost our 2 month old son, Bryce to SIDS. Yet again, I kept my feelings to myself. Hid the pain I was feeling, pretending to be okay when I was far from it. 5 years after his death I finally realized I needed help and got on anti-depressants. That helped or so I thought.

I was a stay at home mom, once my kids started going to school, I decided it was time for me to go back to school. At first I was in school learning my first love, art. I was going to become a graphic artist, but decided to change my major. After all, who could earn a living from doing something they love, that’s just a hobby. An idea I learned from my parents. So I changed and went to school for Respiratory Therapy. I do admit I love being an RT. Especially when I look back on all the things my father said. (I don’t have the brains.) Well, I did really well. I had to take Physics, Microbiology!! Booya on that...Dad! Anyway, being in this profession has really fed into my teachings of keeping your feelings to yourself. On nightly basis you deal with the people who are dieing, from cancer, COPD, drug usage, a variety of emergencies. You have to put all those feelings in a box and ignore them or they would eat you alive! Wow, did I find the perfect job, for the old Alicia.

I have come to realize that I need to feel my feelings. Because I haven’t I have taken what I’ve internalized and use food to comfort me, changing my feelings into eating. There are a few things that have helped me to see that that’s what I do. It started with watching Jillian Michaels show. I can’t remember the name of her show, but she would go into families’ homes and teach them the right way to eat & exercise. One of these shows had a woman who had lost a child. While watching her show I so related to this woman. Even though I got help with the depression from the loss of my son, I haven’t really dealt with the fact that I did lose a son. Well, the way I deal with it is eating.
The other thing that helped me see the flaws in my ways was watching Black Swan. While sitting in the theater watching Natalie cut herself, I thought. Wow, she has so much pain she cuts herself to help her express and feel that pain. Well, smack me silly. That’s exactly what I do with food. After that I really started looking at the times I eat more then I should. I eat at the times when I’m stressed, sad and all those other emotions I try to ignore.

I really have been avoiding writing this blog yet again avoiding my feelings. I also think that’s why I haven’t been on Spark much. I knew I wanted to write this, but wasn’t yet ready to confront those emotions.

Tonight while at work I went to a high risk delivery of a woman who has helped me to break the cycle of ignoring myself. This woman has cancer which metastasized into her lungs; she has had one lung segment removed due to the cancer. It’s only a matter of time. While waiting to be called into her room, one of the nurses I work with was like, “why would she have a baby?” One reason for the question, pregnancy is very hard on your body, it can only be worse for this woman who is also dealing with cancer. Also, “why would she have a baby when she is dieing?” When we were called into the room and the perfectly healthy baby girl was born. Mom was crying and so was dad. It was a great moment. At that moment I realized why she was having this perfect baby girl.

There is this book I absolutely love, it’s called the Joy Luck Club, there is a quote from this book, and in the end the girl in the book, has this white feather her mother had given her after she had passed away. The mother says, “Here is this feather; it’s filled with all my good intentions.”

From this point on Thanks to the movie Black Swan and Jillian Michaels. In honor of my son Bryce and Yoshimi. I am going to start concentrating on feeling with my emotions, enjoying my life as it is, not what I wish it was. I will also do the things I have always wanted to do “When I’ve lost weight.” The when is something that is never promised to us, only now. Enjoy all moments, not just some.

Wow, that feels sooo good!!!

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I saved this intending to make a comment. So, school is out. My home internet is finally working and I'm cleaning up my email. I hope you have a lot of check marks on your bucket list by now. Thanks for trusting us enough to share some painful memories. I hope your July4th weekend was terrific. emoticon
    3682 days ago
  • SILLYHP1953
    Wow...lots of honesty and insights and feeling feelings in this blog!!
    3756 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8095132
    emoticon blog!
    3756 days ago
    thanks for sharing, it's beautiful.
    emoticon kori
    3757 days ago
  • no profile photo CD7773457
    So glad you took the time to share with us you had such a powerful message to share. We had a friend a nurse in her 30's got cancer and knew that her days were number but decided to live every minute to the fullest. Took music lessons and even got married in the last month of life. What I always remember the most was her coming to my door one day as she needed to talk and knew I would be home.( I had two little ones in diapers.) Some one had stopped her in the mail and asked how she was and noticed the fact she lost so much weight. The person wouldn't stop for answer as she went on how lucky she was and how fat she was now. How she must have a diet secret that she wasn't sharing and how bad her life is being fat with the extra few pounds, ect. My friends had just came from the Dr. with really bad news and was in a daze. She said she could not say a word and want her to understand what is real important in life. I gave her a hug. She then said I should have just taken my wig off and poofed her in the face until she woke up. LOL Some people live a whole life time and don't get it. Enjoy every minute of life no matter what. emoticon
    3757 days ago
  • SAMI199
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3757 days ago
    My heart goes out to you. I know it was hard to share. I write too, but so much of it I don't share... My own issues. I have lived for over 20 years saying... after I lose weight I will... ..... ...... Funny (wonderful) how some things strike home and open our eyes to our own lives and feelings. I think you're at a point where it only gets better from here.

    3757 days ago
    That was a wonderful blog Alicia! Thank you for sharing what has been inside you for so long. I know that you must feel a big weight off your shoulder right about now. Keep your head up and moving forward.
    3757 days ago
    I have soooo been there. I have PCOS and am struggling to conceive a child. We did recently, but then I had a miscarriage. I have spent my entire life waiting to have a child, wondering if it was possible. I was devestated, felt alone (although Chris was a huge support, he just wasn't feeling like I was feeling - like I am flawed in some way and not able to do what comes natural to most women) and as I result I spent the next two months eating anything and everything I could get my hands and mouth on. Suffice it to say, I negated all the hard work and effort I put into losing weight, and I gained back 18 pounds. All because I did not want to confront the fear and heartache that I was feeling,

    I was fortunate in that, I had a wonderful childhood, but I lost my father at 15 to lung cancer. I can only imagine what it must be like to lose a child. My thoughts are with you, and I hope you will stay strong. I too, am working on confronting my fears and my emotions. I know it won't be easy, but it will be worth it. And that is my reward. Two pink lines!
    3757 days ago
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