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Cinco de Mayo.. blog #2

Thursday, May 05, 2011

Two blogs in one day?! Look at me go! lol

So.. I'm gonna be completely honest here because I know it's the only way to get passed it and not let it be another "episode".

I binged today.

I made baked spaghetti last night (which I did not eat!).. and I had it for breakfast.. with toast/blueberry spread. (don't ask about the combo. Idk. I was in a frenzy lol)

and for lunch.. I had El Pollo Loco- 2 grilled chicken rolls w/ cheese and a fish taco.. and a REG COKE. Poison basically.

I'm so ashamed.

I know it was coming. I just wish I was able to control it when it came. I don't drink soda normally, let alone regular. That's just ridiculous! I know it may sound like I'm being hard on myself.. and well.. I need to be. I know my body and I know what I need to do to be in shape. It's the compulsive eating that does it for me. It's crazy how out of control I feel sometimes with food. Embarrassing to admit to be honest.

I actually was debating on blogging about it, because I'm embarrassed. But, I know that shying away and not being honest about things is really a way of covering things up. I know hiding isn't going to change anything.. and I WANT to change. As hard as it is to get control and keep control of, I'm not giving up. I know I have it in me to lose this shell I have and to be the woman, wife, friend I am meant to be. I know that sounds corny, but seriously.. it's the truth.

It's weird. My roommate and I were talking about body shape and perception last week or so. She made a comment about when I see someone and I'm like "I can't ever let myself get there. so out of shape and unhealthy".. she said she actually thinks sometimes that.. Jacey, you DO look like that. I didn't take her bluntness to heart. Just chalked it up to her not quite understanding the insecurities I have about being "big". BUT, that wasn't even what I thought of when we were talking. I thought to myself.. Man.. my perception is not the normal perception a person who has struggled with weight all her life normally has. I look at my self and actually think I'm SMALLER then I actually am. Crazy right?

I mean I understand I'm no skinny minny. I got that part, but I guess I never really felt as overweight as I had become. It's getting better now, though I still have a ways to go.. but 3 months ago I had 60 POUNDS to lose! If 30 was overwhelming then 60 was DEF out of reach. But wait a minute.. it's not.. I'm already half way there..

My point of this rambling blog (I ramble pretty easily, just warning ya!) is to acknowledge that yes.. I didn't eat my healthiest today.. but nothing has to stop just because I made some poor decisions. I need to keep what size I actually am at arms reach, so I stay in control.. but I need to keep what's in my mind and how I feel close to my heart. I'm not meant to be overweight.. I'm not "big boned". I'm tall, yes. I'm prob not ever gonna have a model's body. Fine with me. But, I have all the ability in the world to be IN SHAPE and FIT.

Another realization that I'm my own worst enemy. Only I can pave the way to MY perfect.
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