Panic, fear, resentment and food take over
Monday, May 09, 2011
I lost my job. Those words have been haunting me for the last 11 days. No matter how many times I keep being told, it wasn't your fault, I keep coming back to those four nasty words. I was out of work for 30 mins and I had my first offer of employment, it was short lived when the company found out I wasn't willing to relocate to the US. A second company came forward but there are no openings and wanted to know if they could check back with me.
I tried to write my resume and as I put down all my accomplishments it kept coming back to me. I lost my job. How do I tell prospective employers I am amazing if my last company wasn't willing to spend the money to keep me? I buried the feelings with icecream.
I tried again and as I put down the words I increased sales on my teams from $250,000 to $1,000,000 in 14 months it came up again. I did that. I made the company a @(% of money and for that, I lost my job. I buried the feelings with cookies and take out.
I put down the training materials that I designed that identify not only sales needs but cultural differences that need to be taken into account. I thought of the people that I have worked with and how they called me the momanger. It made me sad so I ate buttered popcorn and drank rootbeer.
I gave up trying to write my resume and told myself, take a week off, unwind. Each day moments of panic came sweeping in and they were calmed with sandwiches, burgers, pie, cake and chips. The panic attacks were starting to be replaced by heartburn, shortness of breath and tight jeans.
I went camping, I love camping and it was decided by my family that I needed to remove myself from the computer. I panted as I put up the tent, sweated while I chopped wood and rewarded myself with chicken, potato salad and cheesecake.
Yesterday all the kids came over for dinner. By the time dinner was ready I wasn't hungry since I had grazed all day, but I hadn't thought about my job once. I still ate dinner. I ate dessert and I ate until I went to bed.
This morning I got up and as I stood in the shower I thought. I have so much resentment, I have hate in my world and how can I move forward with hate holding me back. I got out of the shower, I talked to my husband, I worked on my resume and I cleaned. I think I'm going to be ok.
I am very proud of the accomplishments I made in my last job, I worked very hard and I know I was successful. When I put it on paper and look at what I did it's a little scary. But I have the numbers to back it up, I have the training manuals that I have spent years creating and somewhere out there is a job waiting for me.
In the meanwhile I am up 8 pounds and I need to take that off. My pants are so tight and I was too heavy to go ziplining.
Time to put down the whip cream and pick up the gym pass.