I Confess - I Gained Weight
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
OK, so I've been in denial for the past six months. Going through the motions (some of them) on SP and acting as if everything is just peachy. Well, it isn't. I have regained most of the weight that I took off while on SP. I am disgusted with myself (for the 10,000th time), I didn't want to admit to anyone that I had gained back the weight (for the 10,000th time), and I started to think that I'll never be able to get this whole weight loss thing right (for the 100,000th time).
When I got on the scale yesterday morning and saw 299 pounds, I cried. Haven't I had enough problems lately with my health, my animals, deaths of loved ones, the economy....all the things that have sent me running to my comfort foods? Oh yes, I just love my comfort foods...so much that I'm not going to list them for fear of setting myself off again. I am an emotional eater and an even more emotional binge-er, and it doesn't matter what the emotion is. I eat/binge when I am happy, sad, angry, scared, worried, stressed, broke, feeling good, feeling unhealthy, or in pain. I eat for birthdays, weddings, funerals, graduations, and Bar Mitzvahs. So, for the past six months, I have been pushing all those emotions and events down my throat with all my favorite foods. Today is day two of my 10,000th "I'll start again on Monday" and so far, so good. This blog is partly to get the confession of weight gain over with (I reset my weight on here - very hard to do), and partly to keep me upstairs and away from the kitchen while I am going through sugar withdrawal.
There are two added incentives this time and they are more important than any I've had before. The first incentive is - I don't want to die and I don't want to become crippled, both of which my doctor has now warned me about. In addition to all my health issues, which are exacerbated by my obesity, I have been diagnosed with spinal stenosis, arthritis in my spine, and degenerative disc disease. The only good thing from having the results of my latest MRI told to me, is that this isn't a result of my weight gain (I was already feeling guilty), but it is a result of my having congenitally short pedicles. Pedicles are the bony ridges along the top of each vertabrae and I was born with short ones which are allowing my discs to bulge into the space where all the nerves run down my back...thus the pain I've had for months. Losing weight will not change that, but it will ultimately make me more comfortable, lower my BP and cholesterol, and allow me to walk more since I am now limited as to how I am allowed to exercise.
I printed out a big sign that says "I don't want to die...I don't want to become crippled" and hung it on the wall of my kitchen to remind me why it is more important now than ever before that I get this weight off and get healthier.
My second incentive is that I am 63 years old and I have been with my soul mate and the love of my life for only four years. He told me this morning that he wants me to be around and to be able to do stuff with him when he finally gets to retire. (He is 4 1/2 years younger than I am so he still has to work at least 7 more years). I didn't hang up another sign, but it made me realize how blessed I am to have a man who loves me unconditionally, has never criticized my weight gain, and who is supportive and encourages me. That incentive is as important to me as improving my health.
So, my confession is done, my craving has passed, and I am going to my Nutrition page to post my lunch. Charting all my food isn't one of my favorite things, but it really does help me focus on my portions and to make healthier choices in what I am eating. Now that SP has made it easier, I have no excuse for being lazy and not charting. One of my friends here was thinking about quitting last week and I told her to keep coming in and going through the motions until it clicks again. That's what I've been doing for six months, and the fact that I am writing this blog is proof that SP kept me thinking about a healthier lifestyle even when I wasn't living it. It sure is nice to have a place that I can come where people do understand and won't look at me as a failure. To quote a Jimmy Buffett song..."Me culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa". I am sorry...but only that I didn't write this blog sooner.