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I Confess - I Gained Weight

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

OK, so I've been in denial for the past six months. Going through the motions (some of them) on SP and acting as if everything is just peachy. Well, it isn't. I have regained most of the weight that I took off while on SP. I am disgusted with myself (for the 10,000th time), I didn't want to admit to anyone that I had gained back the weight (for the 10,000th time), and I started to think that I'll never be able to get this whole weight loss thing right (for the 100,000th time).

When I got on the scale yesterday morning and saw 299 pounds, I cried. Haven't I had enough problems lately with my health, my animals, deaths of loved ones, the economy....all the things that have sent me running to my comfort foods? Oh yes, I just love my comfort foods...so much that I'm not going to list them for fear of setting myself off again. I am an emotional eater and an even more emotional binge-er, and it doesn't matter what the emotion is. I eat/binge when I am happy, sad, angry, scared, worried, stressed, broke, feeling good, feeling unhealthy, or in pain. I eat for birthdays, weddings, funerals, graduations, and Bar Mitzvahs. So, for the past six months, I have been pushing all those emotions and events down my throat with all my favorite foods. Today is day two of my 10,000th "I'll start again on Monday" and so far, so good. This blog is partly to get the confession of weight gain over with (I reset my weight on here - very hard to do), and partly to keep me upstairs and away from the kitchen while I am going through sugar withdrawal.

There are two added incentives this time and they are more important than any I've had before. The first incentive is - I don't want to die and I don't want to become crippled, both of which my doctor has now warned me about. In addition to all my health issues, which are exacerbated by my obesity, I have been diagnosed with spinal stenosis, arthritis in my spine, and degenerative disc disease. The only good thing from having the results of my latest MRI told to me, is that this isn't a result of my weight gain (I was already feeling guilty), but it is a result of my having congenitally short pedicles. Pedicles are the bony ridges along the top of each vertabrae and I was born with short ones which are allowing my discs to bulge into the space where all the nerves run down my back...thus the pain I've had for months. Losing weight will not change that, but it will ultimately make me more comfortable, lower my BP and cholesterol, and allow me to walk more since I am now limited as to how I am allowed to exercise.

I printed out a big sign that says "I don't want to die...I don't want to become crippled" and hung it on the wall of my kitchen to remind me why it is more important now than ever before that I get this weight off and get healthier.

My second incentive is that I am 63 years old and I have been with my soul mate and the love of my life for only four years. He told me this morning that he wants me to be around and to be able to do stuff with him when he finally gets to retire. (He is 4 1/2 years younger than I am so he still has to work at least 7 more years). I didn't hang up another sign, but it made me realize how blessed I am to have a man who loves me unconditionally, has never criticized my weight gain, and who is supportive and encourages me. That incentive is as important to me as improving my health.

So, my confession is done, my craving has passed, and I am going to my Nutrition page to post my lunch. Charting all my food isn't one of my favorite things, but it really does help me focus on my portions and to make healthier choices in what I am eating. Now that SP has made it easier, I have no excuse for being lazy and not charting. One of my friends here was thinking about quitting last week and I told her to keep coming in and going through the motions until it clicks again. That's what I've been doing for six months, and the fact that I am writing this blog is proof that SP kept me thinking about a healthier lifestyle even when I wasn't living it. It sure is nice to have a place that I can come where people do understand and won't look at me as a failure. To quote a Jimmy Buffett song..."Me culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa". I am sorry...but only that I didn't write this blog sooner.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD14027920
    De - God bless you for your courage and your honesty!
    Thanks for sharing!

    2867 days ago
    Know the feeling! Your blog sounds like me,I keep regaining any weight I lose.I hip replacements are starting to give me problems due to my excessive weight gain.I bit the bullet and will start the Kasier weight loss program July 9th.My insurance won't cover it ,even though it is through them.I'm hoping having to pay all that money will get with the program and lose weight.
    Good luck! You can do it!
    2868 days ago
    De, seems we're all here for the same reasons and we all keep trying. You are not a failure. Today is a new day and by writing this blog, it will help you to take that first step. I know you have your soul mate and it brought tears to my eyes reading this. What a wonderful guy - a real keeper and what a fantastic reason to want to stay around. I think of you often and I'm here cheering you on. Hugs to you my friend.
    2875 days ago
    Hey come on you can do this!!! go to my page and find the replies you sent to me when I was going through this....I admit health is a huge incentive but doesn't seem to last long for me for some reason...
    Lets get going I know you will do this- think of your signs.
    3548 days ago
    Losing weight permanently is not easy -- otherwise none of us would be here.
    We have all been in your shoes at some point.

    Now with your confession behind you - and with self-flagellation completed - you can take a step forward.

    This is a new day - a new start.

    What will you do differently this time?

    3594 days ago
    Thanks, darling....I want to be around for a long time, too. Now if you would just move out here so I can see you more than once every few years, I would live happier!
    3602 days ago
  • no profile photo BROWNDOG08
    It's hard admitting your slip ups, so kudos to you! I want you to be healthy so you'll be around for many, many years to come. Now, if I could only get my ever-widening butt in gear too! emoticon
    3602 days ago
  • no profile photo CD6598128
    De, you were one of my first SP friends and someone who I totally respect and admire. I believe in you because of your inner fire and determination. Know that I am rooting for you and sending virtual hugs everyday.
    3606 days ago
    Love conquers all. Especially when that love comes from within.
    A year ago I didn't want to live. For two long months, the thought of ending my life was never too far away. Somehow I got through that period intact and my husband stayed by my side. (The man is crazy!!!)
    A couple of days ago, I had what I believe to have been a severe case of heat stroke. When I felt better, I started investigating what causes it. I immediately put into effect a balanced diet to get the necessary minerals and nutrients my body needs through what I feed it - something I have been denying it for my whole life.
    For all the right reasons, you're getting *real* with yourself and your future - all of which depends on your health. This in turn, will snowball into all aspects of your life - especially your attitude! YOU CAN DO THIS. Knowing that you have so many caring SP friends who have your back has got to let you know who much you are loved and appreciated.
    YOU WILL DO THIS. I have all the faith in the world. Putting this blog out there was your first step. The hardest step. You are on your way, sista!
    Forward, MARCH!!!

    3606 days ago
    De you will make it , I have faith in you. I am still a bit too groggy for any real wise comments but know that your friends are with you.hugs,Cheri
    3614 days ago
    congrats for FACING YOUR DEMONS.There is nothing easy about overcoming weight loss issues It is hard , everyday hard but like the rest of us Sparkers we will do it one day at a time, one meal at a time. I like your signs and may do a couple of my own ...great idea to help us face reality. You can do this De , why??? because you keep starting again. It is the folks who do not start over again and again that fail. You are NOT a failure... YOU are a winner and I am privileged to know you as a friend. I hope to be seeing LESS OF YOU in the near future emoticon

    3614 days ago
  • no profile photo CD10163029
    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    :::nods~n~hugs::: yeah, I so get that...

    emoticon to help you get back on a roll again ;)
    3614 days ago
    I hear you! I'm in almost the same spot myself. I need to re lose the weight I gained after surgery.I need to start exercising again.I need to improve my food habits and portions.Good luck on improving your lifestyle. emoticon
    3614 days ago
    There's a saying..."fake 'til you make it"...& sometimes we all have to start there...faking, pretending...until it actually becomes the habit you've been faking.

    You can do it, De. We (your fans) all know you have the skills & desire.
    3614 days ago
  • no profile photo DEVORA4
    emoticon emoticon The blue ribbon is because you had the courage to confess to yourself and us. Since, as you know I am also Jewish, I appreciate how difficult it is to see the spread at a bar mitsvah etc. I will give you my secret, I eat at home and fill up on healthy salads etc. Take care of yourself, emoticon debby
    3615 days ago
    I am so glad you put it out there because that means you're ready to restart for real. No one can fault you for restarting. I don't know anyone on this site who isn't re-losing. I know I sure am! You were my lifeline when I hurt my knee. Your comments, advice and support kept me sane when I was ready to throw in the towel. I'm glad to understand why you've been kinda quiet and hope that your Spark Friends can do for you what you've done for us!
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3615 days ago
    Oh De, I am so glad you wrote this blog, I can so identify with all you have been going through. Even though I don't have the health issues you do (I have my own! LOL!) I have also been going through the motions for several months. I've also gained some back and so disgusted with myself. I know you can do this and I'm proud of you for facing your "giants"!

    Hugs to you and please know that I am here to support you as I know you support me. There's nothing like Spark friends!!!!!
    3615 days ago
  • no profile photo CD375712
    Way to go! You're facing it all and that means you can deal with it. I've gained weight too, but I'm not tracking it... I tried intuitive eating and it turns out my intuition is wacko. Need to train in some better habits first, I guess! We're all working on essentially the same at the same time - self-improvement. And there is really no race or score. Every day we just have to make better choices. You can SO do this!!

    3615 days ago
    Your blog brought tears to my eyes...I could so relate. I have all the same problems with my back but losing weight has helped somewhat. I had been in a wheelchair for 3 years but am ambulatory now. Your courage writing this blog is commendable. If you have that kind of courage you can dig deep and find it to be better to yourself. You can do this. Be gentle with yourself and love your body..it is giving you another chance.

    We need a new team...Our 10, 001st time...lol
    3615 days ago
    I think we have all felt the same and can relate to your honest blog.I know I have done the Lose/Gain game since joining SP( and thousands of times before that, but who's counting?) We've all had instances where we were faking it until we were making it...you're not alone. No need to apologize or confess....we understand. I'm glad you stayed on SP, so something was working for you.

    Every day is Day One for ALL of us...just take it a day at a time and keep stringing those days together. Soon you'll be a loser again...and, who would've thought it was good to be a loser, huh? LOL You are blessed to have the loving support and encouragement from your Honey. And, you know your Spark Buds are here for you, too. Hang in there, De! If I can help you in any way, I'm here

    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    3615 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/14/2011 6:55:20 PM
    You're a strong woman sis and it took strength to write this blog. I wish you the best success. With what's going on in my life, weight loss isn't much in my thoughts. Guess I'll have to go through the motions until it's time.
    3615 days ago
    I want to recommend a posting/blog by Nancy Howard in the Daily Spark. It's title is something along the lines of "The Road to Failure..." I think that you might find it motivating. I did :)

    I love your wolfie images. Striking. They are survivors. Like you emoticon
    3615 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1928831
    You have made the most important step....now just follow it with more baby steps toward a healthier life. You aren't alone in regaining weight .. Most of us have done it ..sometimes many times. It took an aha moment for me to get going in the right direction..I realized I was nearing the age my mom died (she did not take care of herself and weighed nearly 400 pounds when she died from diabetic complications). When I decided to work on being healthy instead of focusing on just the scale, I did start losing and finally made my weight goal..it wasn't a quick loss, but I've now kept it off for 14 months now. I, too, am an emotional eater...celebrations, drowning my sorrows, feeling bored, smelling bread, seeing a tv ad...you name it..makes me want to eat. I just take it one day..sometimes one hour..at a time... emoticon
    3615 days ago
    Congrats on taking your life into your own hands and starting again whats that saying..."fall down 7 times get up 8". Forget about the last 10,000 times cause they don't matter.. you are getting up now and THAT is what matters! Good Luck! emoticon
    3615 days ago
    I'm proud of you for "owning' that there is a problem. I'm also proud of you for realizing that you can do this!!! Rome wasn't built in one day, so it will take more than one day to reduce the weight!!

    God bless you on your weight loss journey, you got this!!!!

    Please keep me posted!!

    3615 days ago
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