Why have I given in to my addictions??
Sunday, August 21, 2011
When I was a child, around 9 or 10, I began sneaking out to the kitchen at night to search for sweets and other forbidden foods. I used to stay awake until my parents had gone to bed, unable to think of anything else, and then venture out on the squeaky parquet floors and through the clackety glass doors to the formal living and dining rooms, the kitchen, pantry, and the servants' living quarters. The pantry was only separated from the cook and amah's bedrooms by curtains. It was very exciting. I remember my heart beating in my chest as I tested each board on the floor before I stepped on it, and eased the glass doors open so slowly that any wakeful parent would not associate each clanking sound with the doors. I held my breath when I was in the pantry, as I searched for sweets. I often found only Karo syrup or sweetened condensed milk, which I fled with, gratefully, to gorge in the safety of my bedroom.
I wasn't hungry at the time. I had had a hearty, balanced dinner before taking a bath and going to bed. The attraction was something different... the risk, the excitement, and the final reward of the gooey sweetness.
I can see how those motivators have continued at later stages of my addiction. Especially when I got into shooting up cocaine and methamphetamine. There was the driven search for "good stuff" that took us into frightening neighborhoods where the police prowled on every street. There was the hurried deal through the car window, and then the escape to somewhere safe to see what we had really bought and to enjoy the fruits of our labor, the high that surpasses explanation. Or not. And then the anger if we bought soap flakes or something, and the search for money with which to do it all over again. The main difference is that I always ate alone, and I always looked for drugs with a more experienced partner, for safety's sake and to lessen the likelihood that I would lose my money.
Back to my childhood. I also used to sneak out of bounds to buy as many chocolates as I could afford, several streets away, in the bustling city of Hong Kong. My mother would have had a coronary on the spot, if she had known how far I had gone. I would bring my bounty home, to eat under the covers while I lay in bed and read books. Everyone was so pleased that I was a bookworm. None of the adults knew what I had under the covers.
That makes me remember when I went to 3rd Form, which is roughly equivalent to 9th grade, at the Island School in Hong Kong. That was the first school I ever went to with a snack bar, and they sold candy. I used to buy Rollo chocolates, and eat them all during the class after lunch. The girl at the same table, Sandra, never knew about it until I mentioned it one day near the end of the year. I was so sneaky in getting the chocolates to my mouth, that she never had a clue.
I can see a real thread going through these memories, that I have given in to my addictions in a sneaky way over the decades. For example, I used to drink by sneaking into bars before I was of age, but lost interest after I was legal. It lost its glamour to me when I did not have to hide.
I think that may be part of what brought me to the point of doing something about my addictions. As I have gotten closer and closer to my Bottom, when I would finally, really, turn it around, I have lost the ability to get my own supply. I have not been able to walk to the store. I have whined and cajoled and pouted to get someone to go to the store to get me things I shouldn't eat. That took the fun out of it. There I was, eating my half gallon of ice cream all by myself, in front of the neighbors. It was embarrassing, and it forced me to look at myself.
I am sure there are plenty of other reasons or ways I have given in to my addictions, but this is enough for now. I want to go through this at the pace I can really handle... not rush through it and not take a proper look at the things I need to see.