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Why I disappeared

Tuesday, October 04, 2011

Hello Friends,

It's been a few weeks. The last blog was really sparky and then a few things happened. The first is that I came down with the worst virus, sore throat, inner ear infection, debilitating headaches... it's gone on for 2 weeks and I'm finally better but I've still got too much fluid in my inner ear. This was on top of the trouble with my waterworks. Then I found out that my dad is dying and had very little time left. I haven't really wanted to share this because all the things that people would usually say don't quite fit. He's been a hardcore alcoholic most of my life which has made him a pretty difficult father to have. He contributed to my mother's death 4 years ago and was even arrested for it. I've spent my entire life trying to make peace with him and forgive him and just love him. So I'm on my way to see him with my brother next week but I need to sort my ears first as I've got 16 hours of flying to get to him. In addition to this, my son is having a pretty lousy time in Madrid because his university didn't send the paperwork through in time and he couldn't register for all of his courses. Now it's too late and no one will help him and we're spending countless hours emailing and on the phone. He's 21 and extremely independent so it's really hard to see him so down. I'm determined to crack it today. And I also started my new job last week. So I'm cutting myself some slack and just trying to be moderate in all things and I'll get back on track when I return from the US. I'm sorry if I haven't been there for you guys. This has been one trying year!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • ANIHAKA
    Caz forwarded me your blog and all I can do is offer you support in spirit during this most challenging time. The only way is up now. emoticon
    3490 days ago
  • SHECHAM
    Sorry to hear about your struggles. I am sending you hugs... and prayers... Hang in there... emoticon
    3496 days ago
  • JENNYBAKER247
    Oh my! I'm praying for you. Do take care.
    emoticon
    3501 days ago
  • CMFARRELL36
    Hi there,

    I was just about to mail you that you have to remember all the support you have here - but now I read that somethings have happened already.
    And positive things, at that!

    I so hope that things continue to work well for you, across all the problems.
    And I hope that everything will eventually be peaceful for you and your dad.

    My thoughts are with you.
    3501 days ago
  • BOOKRUNNER
    Dear Spark Friends! Wow! What an incredible batch of messages I've just come back to. Thank you for your words and support. I think my son finally got everything sorted today and my brother flew out to see my dad last night- and they haven't spoken in 3 years! At least I've been in regular contact with him. And I'm starting a course of antibiotics for my ear so I'm feeling pretty positive. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you!
    emoticon
    3501 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5198989
    Wow! I want to go back to bed and sleep just from reading your blog. How do you keep up? There is so much going on that it's amazing you're still standing. You are an amazing person and give so much to others. Keep your chin up and this too, shall pass. Good luck.
    3501 days ago
  • BRAVEONE92
    Tracey, I am so sorry to read what a trying time, you've
    gone through. I admire how you are trying to help your
    son, I am sure that everything will work out just fine.
    Praying that you get well so that you will be able to
    make the trip, to be with your Dad. You are a very
    special and brave woman. Please take time, to take
    care of yourself. You need healing and that requires
    rest.
    3502 days ago
  • CHATTIEGIRL
    Hi Tracy;

    I am sorry you have to hand all this pressure. First you have to get yourself strong so you can do the rest. We just have to ask God for the strength to handle hard time and he will. I will keep you in my prays and ask that all is well for you. Stay as strong as you can and take each problem at a time.God bless you always and care for you.

    Smile Joyce
    3502 days ago
  • GVANSCOOT
    Tracy- Caz had sent a link to your page. My prayers are with you!
    3502 days ago
  • GATOR12
    Hey Tracey, Sounds like you have plenty on your plate just now so accept the support and strength WE give you for a change!! It works both ways, ya know. Prayers for all the many balls you have spinnin' around ya just now. Hugs, Brenda (another friend of Caz)
    3502 days ago
  • SEDONACAT
    emoticon emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • RITZIBROWN
    Hey Tracy, Also in from NEW_CAZ. OMG but you do have a lot on your plate. I admire your son for his independent streak; dealing with any university can be frustrating but one overseas uhm. I'm confident he will get thru this life challenge. Your support & listening (?) to him is helping.
    Is your dr going to sign off on your flying, never mind 16hrs? I would imagine it will be very difficult on you. You & your father are blessed that you are willing to be by his side.
    Your beautiful inner spirit resonated thru your email. Sending prayers & healing light emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • SEXYVIXEN2
    Hi Tracy, Caz directed me here to your blog.
    I'm so sorry to read of the distress that you're going through with the sad news of your dad and the difficulties he caused you when you were growing up. I hope that you'll be able to find closure with him.
    I hope the issues with your sons' university courses can be resolved so that he's able to carry out his studies.
    All the stress you've been under has no doubt contributed to the infections that you've had to deal with too.
    Please know I wish you well, both with your health and your personal life.
    Take care and very Best Wishes, Angela emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • ELSEEBEE
    Please know that we are all thinking of you and sending good thoughts your way! I had a similar relationship with my mother (without the violence and alcohol), but I was able to forgive her 2 years before she died. It was the best time in our entire relationship. I hope you will find a way to forgive your father, it will really help you as you go on after he is gone.
    3502 days ago
  • no profile photo CD4114604
    Caz sent me a link to your page..... emoticon Best wishes for you are going out..may you find all the Strength you need in this difficult time and for the new job. Please take care of yourself first..very important!
    3502 days ago
  • no profile photo CD9005004
    Hi Tracey My Thoughts And Prayer With You And Your Family! All You Have To Do Is Just Pray For Him An Tell Him You Keep Him In Prayers! And That Jesus. Loves! Him. That Is All You Can Do! I Can Empathize With You My Step Dad Is A Achaholic As Well. I Don't Know If He's Been Drinking Cause My Family Distance Us. But Dr. Said He Contuies To Keep Drinking He Could Die Soon Have A Short Life Or His Health Be Worse. He Has Scrooses Of The Liver From Drinking In The Past And Reenitly! Or How You Spell It.

    Theresa Hugs,
    3502 days ago
  • MURPHYFAN
    I wish you the best with everything. New-Caz shared this link with me and I am so glad she did! Good luck!
    3502 days ago
  • EMOFORTRESS
    My thoughts are with you hun. Just keep going and things will turn around. X
    3502 days ago
  • ANNEMAC5
    Caz sent me a link to your blog. I wish you well you can not fix the past but you are making great steps for the future. Hugs
    Anne
    3502 days ago
  • DEE107
    Oh my you really a lot going on in your life right now .. Right now all I can tell you is that I can pray for you .. Remember Judgement is mine says the Lord...With the drinking you say your father is doing is his doing and not yours ..I am praying that there were good times and remember them .. For your son its not fair what the college did but wish you could do something to help.. But just be the best person you can do and keep going my friend
    3502 days ago
  • MEADSBAY
    I had to step away from my father for many years for the same reason (except the arrest and contributing to your mother's actual death!).
    It took me years to sort of forgive him and let it all go- I did it for me, not him.
    Best to you.
    emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • ROSIE777
    Hope all will get better soon sending you emoticon and blessings your way sweet friend.
    3502 days ago
  • DUSTYPRAIRIE
    What a kind heart you have. Thinking of others when you need some tender care. You are a very special person. I don't know why the particular trials, but you will pass through the storm and be stronger. God knows your heart. Maybe he's allowing the sickness to get you to lay still and listen to His voice.


    ((((angel hugs))))

    ps. another wonderful lady sent me the link to your blog. she knows who she is.
    3502 days ago
  • PATRICIAANN46
    WOW.........you have a lot on your plate! You are in my prayers and I hope that all will improve. You sound like a very strong person and one who won't give up.
    I wish you the very best.
    emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • no profile photo CD8643915
    You take care of your health first so you will be able to sort through the other problems.
    Prayers coming to you, your son and Dad. Your spark friends will be here when everything else has been taken care of.
    emoticon emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • RAYLINSTEPHENS
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    3502 days ago
  • WOLFSPIRITMOM
    Hope things get better soon! emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • SWAZY33
    Sending positive thoughts and emoticon your way!
    3502 days ago
  • SENATOR9
    You take care of yourself first and the rest will sort out. emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • JIBBIE49
    My DD went to Spain for a month while in high school and attended classes at the U. of Salamanca. She said she learned more Spanish going down to a cafe & talking with the locals, so your son can certainly use his time while there to learn about Spain & the language, if he wants to do it.

    I'm sorry about your relationship with your father. I read a book years ago called "Toxic Parents" and I've learned that you are often better off to stay away from people who are going to pull you down. I couldn't deal with my In-Laws and didn't see them for over 10 years, which worked well for me. We finally went up to see them shortly before they died as our children wanted to meet them. My FIL had the guts to say to me "Well, at least you only had five children, as I remember you saying you wanted nine, but you should have stopped at one." What a stupid man to say such a thing about his own grandchildren that carried on his name.
    3502 days ago
  • CRAZYDOGLADYBO
    That is a big load! I hope you feel better soon emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • -POOKIE-
    Im sorry things have been harsh for you, take some time and sort yourself, you need it.
    3502 days ago
  • NEW-CAZ
    Tracy I am sorry so much is happening in your life at the mo.
    It's no fun being ill AND having to cope with all this emoticon

    I hope you can sort your son's problems out, and I hope too you can find some peace with your dad....as difficult as it is.

    You are not alone emoticon
    3502 days ago
  • VYVIENN
    1. Hope you get well again soon. It's hard and absolutely no fun to battle illness on top of everything else. emoticon

    2. I'm sorry to hear that your son is basically stranded in Spain at the moment. I really hope you'll be able to sort things out long distance. It's the worst when you wish you could be there and can't.

    3. I understand what you mean. You're conflicted. I do hope you get to see your dad and make amends before he passes.
    3503 days ago
  • STFRENCH
    Plenty of positive thoughts coming your way emoticon
    3503 days ago
  • THISYEARSMODEL
    Sending you good vibes & positive energy in hopes that all gets better for you soon. emoticon
    emoticon
    3503 days ago
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