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Pulse Check Blog -- Still Holding Steady, But It Ain't Easy

Saturday, January 28, 2012

So, thought I'd better check in since my last blog was a month ago...

First, the good news. I'm still on track and within my maintenance range for another month, so all's good on that score.

However, I'm still adjusting to the idea that I really can't eat very much, and have to exercise (although not as much as I thought), if I want to stay this weight. I've given myself a broad range (1350 to 2050) in my tracker, but in reality I mostly stay at the low end of that (below 1450, and generally below 1400) at least 5 days a week. I have been leaving the higher calorie days for the weekends, when I tend to do my longer periods of exercise, including my long run. And even then, it's generally closer to 1800. It may be that I'll be able to ease back into a few more daily calories in time, but it probably won't be much. Luckily, I'm mostly happy with what I get to eat daily. I just wish eating out occasionally (without undue worry) were easier.

Maintenance is actually a lot easier than the rest of life right now. Still grieving for Dad -- it's been two months now since he passed away, and I'm still crying randomly and waking up in the middle of the night. Hoping this improves with time. I feel worse for my half brother -- my Dad's ex-wife (his Mom) passed away a couple of weeks ago, so he has suddenly become an orphan in the course of about six weeks. And he lost my half-sister five years ago to breast cancer. I am glad he has a wonderful wife and three lovely daughters (especially because he is on the other coast and we don't see each other often), but I think he is really hurting right now.

My husband lost his job a couple of weeks ago, so dealing with the fallout from that. Three months' severance, so we are not in dire straits yet, but will be if he can't find a job in short order. Last I checked, the market is not so good for that generally -- but we've been a bit luckier here in the DC area, plus he's in a field that actually is doing some hiring, provided he can find the right spot. Fingers crossed, but did NOT need this right now...

...because we had been planning to go forward with IVF this month. Can't decide whether we should still go for it -- I'm not getting any younger (40 this June!), but we both went back to graduate school in our mid-30s and have massive student loan debt. That was manageable when we both had well-paying jobs, but now? Not so clear.

And finally, I've been suffering from symptoms of a mysterious illness. Numbness and cramping in the limbs (and sometimes my face and neck), tightness in my chest, and reoccurring skin rashes and dizziness. I really do not feel right, but they've ruled out some of the most dire possibilities. Another reason I'm reluctant to throw IVF into the mix.

So that's where I'm at right now. Holding steady, but sometimes I feel like I'm barely hanging on. Only bright spot is, I'm still not terribly tempted to go off the diet and exercise wagon. Maybe because it's the only thing that's gone right lately? But I'm hoping it's because I actually did manage to change my relationship with food and my attitude toward exercise. I have some more thoughtful blogs on those topics in draft form, but they will have to wait until I have some more energy to deal with them.

Here's hoping my next check-in will have more good news!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry to hear about everything. It will get better so keep thinking positive. Glad you are able to stick the diet and exercise though. emoticon
    3389 days ago
  • 40GIRL
    I'm so sorry to hear all of your news, it sounds like its been rough to say the least. I lost my father very suddenly 4 years ago. We were very close and it was so hard to get by for a long time. I'm also 40 and my husband are I are realizing that we probably won't ever have kids. We're doing okay with it but sometimes it's hard when everyone in your life does have children. I hope life has some great things in store for you soon!!!
    3389 days ago
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