Day 73: "Are You a Photographer?"
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
This is a question to be honest still has me kinda wanting to raise my shoulders at. I never really know what to say. I know it's a self confidence thing at times. I know you don't have to have a degree in photography to be a photographer but sometimes I do feel like an impostor. I guess you could say I'm an amateur professional. lol! I do get paid but I'm definitely not in the same league as other professionals. Plus to be honest I'm not very good at being a professional. Being a professional is sorta like a hobby. I don't really push it at all. One reason being the boys and school, and soccer games, etc, etc. The other reason being self confidence. I'm always scared. I'm always scared of not doing a good job, of feeling like a phony. And I stink at doing more than one thing at a time. For some reason I am very all or nothing. Right now, I'm trying to get my pre-baby/sickness/steroids weight back so that's what I'm concentrating on. It's hard for me to put my heart into more than one thing at a time.
I started doing paid photography sessions in 2008. I've always loved photography and it was always just another artistic outlet for me. It wasn't until a friend of mine encouraged me to join this photography group that I really started to try and take it to the next level. At that time I put everything into it, heart soul, and money. I loved it, still do. It's just at times like lately, I step back from it. Not sure why. I get so nervous before and a little during the session. Then I love the editing process and seeing it all come together. Then I get really nervous waiting to see what the clients think. Then I get teary eyed when they email back saying they cried when they saw them. And at the time I know it's all worth it. But then the whole scared process starts over again. Maybe it's just easier to step back. I guess I'm a bit of a coward.
I'm sharing all of this here because like I've said before, this is kinda like a confessional for me. It helps me clear my head and heart and to organize my thoughts. Plus some on here have asked if I was a photographer and coward as I am I did not reply. You may be cringing at me calling myself a coward but it's actually the first time I've faced up to that so it feels pretty good. I need to see that. I checked my business email for the FIRST TIME IN A MONTH yesterday. SEE, coward. I get scared there will actually be someone who wants me to take their pictures. And guess what. There was. Now what. Now I suck it up and email them back. I NEED the sessions. We could really use the money right now after getting the treadmill and it's almost time to sign the boys up for their summer soccer camp which isn't cheap. I NEED to do this. I NEED TO STOP BEING A COWARD. I either need to figure out how I can be the photographer my clients need me to be or decide if it's time to let it go. It pains me to think about letting it go. Like I'm a failure. But is my heart in it? I need to figure that out. I think it could be if I allowed it to be again. Can I knock down that wall of fear and do what I NEED to do. Can I stop being a coward? Can I grow up and get to work? Can I figure this thing out? Can I get the balls to do this and to do it right? Can I get the motivation I need to step up my game again? Can I find the inspiration? Am I cheating myself with this whole coward business. Couldn't I really be doing something great here? Wasn't I given this talent for a reason? Why am I CHOOSING to let it rot. Why am I not watering it and letting it grow to see where it can take me. Why did I work SO hard to just FREEZE. I need to step back, way back and look at how it all started and the love I had for it and the feeling I got from it. I felt SO good. Can I get that back? Why couldn't I? Could I not take baby steps just like with this journey? Can I not have parallel journeys? What do I need to do to get back on track? Maybe I need to take the same approach as with this journey. I need to make a list. Make goals. Make baby steps. I CAN DO THIS. I CAN DO THIS. I DO NOT have to be a COWARD any more. I CAN put my big girl panties on and take this challenge on. It only has to scare me and turn my stomach in fear if I let it. I'm the one who controls that. I must remove the fear. I must remove the fear.
Baby Step number 1: Reply to the emails TODAY. The worse, I mean best, thing that could happen would be they would still want you even though it took forever to get back to them. Suck it up. Buck up. Try harder. Fight harder. Be brave. Be strong. Be bold. You CAN do this. You ARE WORTH this. YOU ARE WORTH THIS. You are not chump change. You are good. You are talented. You are creative. You need to have as much faith in yourself as others do in you. YOU CAN DO THIS!!!
OK. I think I have emotional drained myself for the time, but talking to myself (and to you) in this way really helps me put things in prospective. Thank you SO much for being here. Thank you guys SO much for your continued support in all of my journeys. :) I wanted to share this, I NEEDED to share this, because this is a part of me. This is me.
Here's my website if you are interested in seeing it.