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Deadliest Catch in the Afternoon (256.5)

Saturday, June 02, 2012

Once I found out that I will not graduate summer quarter (again) because I did not receive a sufficient score on the biology subject GRE (again), I did the next logical thing and took myself out for poached eggs florentine with hollandaise and a side of fresh fruit. I then did the next illogical thing and went to the Asian market next door for vegetables only to come out with flowers and a live three pound Dungeness crab.

I went home with that sea monster rustling ominously in the paper bag all the way. Scary stuff for the crab killing novice. On arrival I watched a tame video on youTube wherein an attractive young man rips the head off of a subservient two pound "tired" crab and pulls out a little bit of green goo. Some in the comments suggested his was already dead but I was encouraged. I thought two more hours in the refrigerator would tire out my little behemoth, too. With high hopes I shoved it in there and blithely cleaned house until four.

At four I took off my shirt and prepared for glory. Really, my husband had complimented it and I didn't want crab juice on it. I carefully grabbed the crab by the back end and drew it from the bag, gently placed it upright on the counter, and it started scrabbling for dear life. Using my special forces reflexes I was able to grab it again and bash its head per the video in order to stun it. Didn't work. I bashed it again. Still didn't work. Again. Again. I set it upright and it flailed backward onto the kitchen floor. I screamed.

Next, I called my brother screaming, OMG! OMG! This is not like the video! OMG! I put him on speaker phone and started to boil some water in my non-stick omelet pan. That's right. I was so scared I was boiling water in a useful non-stick pan. I stopped in time but my thought was still to try to drown it in some warm water. Bad thought. The crab loved the water. OMG! I then tried boiling some water in a steel pan. I poured that across the crab still flipped on its back on the kitchen floor.

Did the legs start to turn a rosy hue? Yes. Did they stop moving? No. I was yelling at my brother and the only thing preventing tears was the sheer adrenaline coursing through my system. He kept saying I am glad I don't eat seafood and I said, Well, it's not always this confrontational.

I got down on my knees with a knife and tried to stab the armored creature. I didn't make a dent and its fluttering legs mocked my incompetence. Finally, I discovered a soft spot with my knife under the tail. I stabbed from a height and as I felt it pierce through the innards I was so upset I screamed again and ran away to the living room.

I'm afraid I did not offer it what the Spartans refer to as a beautiful death.

That all was dramatic but I still had to clean it which was also violent and involved ripping, tearing, cutting, and disposing of viscuos ooze. That was more fun then the first bit which taught me that I need to be a vegetarian to avoid a lifetime of hypocricy. If I was that upset killing a large spider then what if I had to kill something with non-segmented appendages?

Also, lest you think I was upset and just wanted to kill an innocent creature, I might remind you I was making dinner. Once I had a clean shell and a product that looked very much like crab legs, I roasted them in the oven with garlic, butter, and white wine for twenty minutes and served with a small loaf of bread.

The last was anticlimactic and it's Red Lobster for me here on out!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Sorry, I'm going with your brother on this one. I don't eat seafood either ... except for some shrimp about once a year.

    Good story though. Can't you just do them like lobsters and toss them in boiling water first ... then clean thee later?
    2968 days ago
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    Can't believe I missed this post, one of the funniest ever!
    Red Lobster for me too
    2968 days ago
    You are hero... I should share my "Live Lobster" video with you.... but there might be too much profanity! :)
    3269 days ago
    "He kept saying I am glad I don't eat seafood and I said, Well, it's not always this confrontational."

    a. Awesome.

    3303 days ago
    Came across your blog thru a friends feed. You are so brave. I love crab but sadly I have just recently become alergic to it. So odd. I blood test confirmed it. Thankfully not to other shell fish. Can still have shrimp, oysters, and lobster.
    3304 days ago
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    All I could think of was the Lobster seen from "Julie and Julia". Thank you for the laugh and let me tell you, you have more guts than I do. I don't know if I would even know what to do with the crab if I was lucky enough to kill it.
    3305 days ago
    LOVE the crab story! LOL! emoticon
    3305 days ago
    I have a suggestion...have the store kill and clean it for you then you take it home to cook
    I had to say though, your adventure in cooking made me laugh and started my day fine
    3305 days ago
    Being from the land of seafood I have NEVER had such an adventure lol. Dungeoness crabs are my favorite and getting one here can very expensive but they have never fought back. Don't worry, they don't have the neural capacity to experience fear. We tend to personify them when we feel guilty. Glad you enjoyed it eventually. Next time use a very deep pot and a lid! Yes, my husband eats chicken the same way yours does lol. Made me feel weird too!
    3305 days ago
    Hah! Thank you for sharing this, to be honest I probably couldn't even kill the crab; I'd look at it and go "Well, I tried. Be free, crab!" and that would be that. So good for you for going through with your plan, even if it took a little more than you expected to get there! :P
    3305 days ago
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