Why do I care anyway?
Wednesday, June 06, 2012
My last post was dedicated to the question "Are they judging me" That post was mainly about my family but it's something I struggle with daily, concerning most everyone I see. Are people judging me when I walk down the street? After writing and dwelling on that subject for a while I started to ask myself, What if they are? Why should I care? The answer is, I shouldn't care. I would give a good deal not to care, but I do. That is something I want to work on. What do I think will happen if complete strangers, or even my family for that matter, internally judge me for my weight? No one says anything to me. I don't know for a fact what they are thinking. I just assume that's what they are thinking because that's what I am thinking. Why do I even assume they spend time thinking about me at all? Am I that self centered? Yes, the answer I suppose is yes. Because only a self centered person would spend as much time as I do worrying about what other people think about them. It seems no matter how old I get, I still have that 13 year old girl inside of me saying, "I just want people to like me. I just want someone to tell me I'm good enough." How freeing would it be to say, "Hey, this is me and if you don't like it you can F off" and really mean it?
After spending a day or two reflecting on the subject it has become clear to me that my biggest problem is not others judging me, but me judging me. I spend a lot of time on line yesterday while my daughter napped looking at "Fat Acceptance" pages and scouring pinterest for people who not only don't hate the fat but embrace the fat and the imperfections. I found A LOT! I went looking for strong minded individuals who have managed not to buy in to the media sh!t storm called "You are not worthy" I may have mentioned before that I don't really have friends, and especially friends who are like me. I don't have anyone in my life really who knows how it is to be fat. I often feel isolated. So, finding these people, just knowing they are out there even if I never meet them, makes me feel not so alone. To have someone suggest to me that it is OK to like my body, Hell, LOVE my body, fat as it is, was revolutionary to me. I'm not there yet, but I want to be. Maybe it's OK not to hate myself.
I still want to loose weight, to be in better shape, that's not what I'm saying at all. What I am saying is, I want to be able to love how I am now so that the weight loss will be for the right reasons. You can't take care of something you hate. I may never be a size 6, but hopefully I can learn to love the skin I'm in.