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A view of failure

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

Warning- lack of motivation ahead. And blatant honesty.

I have lost my Spark. Not just misplaced, but lost.

I haven't exercised in almost a month now. I've gained back about 20 pounds that I'd lost, possibly more. I'm afraid to check the scale to find out the real truth. That's not just an expression either- I am truly afraid.

I started stumbling after a dental issue had me feeling like crap for over a week and I never got back into my routine afterwards. I just kept slipping and slipping and I finally just fell flat on my face.

What really sucks is that I have felt like a total failure ever since. Not only am I not exercising or counting calories or watching what I eat, but I have gained back a chunk of the weight I worked so hard to lose. It's like a double failure- I'm not making progress AND I've ruined some of the work I've already done.

What I feel most is shame. I am embarrassed to talk about weight loss or exercise because I feel like a fraud now. I can't say I lost 70 pounds because now it's a lie. Every day that I tell myself I'm going to eat better or work out and I don't, I feel like a bigger and bigger failure.

I understand that in hindsight, I had it easy before. It was so much easier to stay motivated when I hadn't really "made a mistake" or "screwed up". Staying at a plateau is nothing compared to this. Gaining a couple of pounds back for a vacation or for hormones was expected. But gaining 20 pounds back and with my skinny jeans now almost too tight to wear is just so... painful. Almost humiliating.

I'm an emotional eater so all this shame and disappointment is just perpetuating the cycle. I feel bad, so I eat to feel better. Then I feel bad because I ate and I just want to eat more to numb out. 2 months and 20 pounds later, here I am.

I know part of the problem is that so much of my self-definition is crafted by my appearance like a lot of women. I'm fat, therefore I'm less worthwhile than a skinny person. Gaining weight means I'm getting farther away from being worthwhile. Although logically that sounds like crap, I know it's true for me. I'll be worth more when I weigh less. I don't want that to be true, but I do believe that. I truly believe that's why I'm single at 37- guys don't dig fat chicks.

This post is here mostly for me to be honest with myself and confront what I'm feeling, but also to maybe show some of you where some of those negative thoughts come from. Maybe there will be someone who reads this and says "hey, me too- thank God I'm not alone", I don't really know. I mostly want to try to rekindle my Spark and reach out for a cyber shoulder to cry on.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I really like what TAMPATINK67 said!

    You definitely have SP friends and support. So what, you gained back 20 lbs you already lost! Who hasn't!?! I've done that before! And you are right, it sucks. But the true test is not that you've gained the 20 lbs back but rather what are you going to do now? You've lost it before and you can lose it again!

    I actually logged onto SP today to email you and I found that you had posted this entry. I am glad to see you on here. And I wholeheartedly agree with TYCO4ME....I think you are already on your way back. :)
    3327 days ago
    So funny story- I no joke went through this EXACT thing a few months ago, even the same weight! I lost 70lbs and gained back 20, actually I tacked on an extra 10 in the end for good measure. I stopped working out due to something pretty major going on in my life, but then I started snacking and falling back into bad habits. So you know what I did? I knocked it the heck off! That's right, I got my butt off the couch, went back to crossfit and started working out, and you know what happened? I had knee pain, which turned into more knee pain, which turned into neeing knee surgery- so I gave up right? NOPE! I have been working my upper body for the past 2 months and changed my diet completely and took off 22lbs in 3wks. We worked our butts off to lose the weight and stumbling blocks will trip us up once in awhile, but they DO NOT have to keep us down, so throw out the snacks, start tracking your food, lace up your running shoes and hit the gym! No more excuses- fix this! You can do it! :)
    3327 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/14/2012 4:15:04 AM
    Reading your words touched me in a way as if I had written them myself. My emotional eating habits were a BIG part of what put me here in the first place, and continue to hold me back from moving forward. It's nice to hear that I am not alone...

    BUT I also want you to hear that this is NO excuse. You've already proven to yourself and to all of us that you CAN be successful and so there is no reason you can't do it again. So you gained 20 pounds??!?

    You're still 50 less than you started... Right? That is a TRUE accomplishment. You only gained back a SMALL portion of what you lost originally, and with the right motivation, you can lose it again... and MORE!

    Don't let one little set back make of think any less of yourself. I completely understood your self worth explanation (I feel a similar way, though I KNOW no one should have to feel that way). But if you follow your thinking, and smaller means more self worth... Then, even though you may have gained SOME of the weight back, you have still gained more self worth than you had to begin with.

    - lost 70 gained 70 in self worth,
    - regained 20 lost 20 in self worth
    - 70 - 20 = 50
    - so that's still 50 more in self worth than when you originally started

    All I'm saying is... I can pretty much guarantee that you didn't get back to this place overnight.

    It took a LONG time for us to get to this place in our lives, it took a LONG time for us to recognize that we needed to change our lives for the better, and it's going to talk a LONG time to get where we want to be...

    One workout, one turned down cheeseburger, one carrot stick, and one bottle of water at a time... It's a process... A journey... And as I'm sure you know... You've got plenty of virtual support to hold your hand as you go!!

    3328 days ago
    I believe you are on the road back already. You have been brutally honest with yourself and with others. I love that you are taking personal responsibility for your actions-this is quite a feat because we live in a society where it is always someone or something else's fault. So what-you gained some weight back. Each day is a new opportunity-put the past behind-you can't change it. You have the blessing of living a healthy day today. Soon you will be stringing these healthy days together. YOU GO, GIRL!
    3328 days ago
    You DID lose 70 lbs. You gained some back, but that doesn't take away from the first achievement. And you know what? You did it once and that means you can do it again.

    Don't weigh yourself yet. Get back into the swing of things for a week or so first. The number is what it is and it will be waiting for you when you're ready.
    3328 days ago
    Focusing on the past and negativity just makes you want to give up. Focus on what you can do. Make small goals that you can achieve. If you haven't done this, make a list of the reason you want to lose the weight and post them so you can look at them. You have lost weight before, so you know you can do it. Give yourself rewards for every 5-10 pounds you lose. It does not need to cost you money. Remember you are worth losing the weight.
    3328 days ago
    You are NOT alone lady. I too have fought weight issues for most of my life. It's a process. I'm 44 and single - but I have great fun and relationships due to my self confidence - apparently its a sexy quality in men and women.

    At some point you'll give yourself a break. Gaining 20 wasn't part of your plan... But don't look back on today in a year and say "wow - wish I'd got back on track when I'd ONLY gained back 20!"

    We get to decide our fate with each new day, meal, and bite.

    Welcome back my friend!
    3328 days ago

    Comment edited on: 6/13/2012 12:27:04 AM
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