Body Distortion in my Mind
Tuesday, June 26, 2012
In my minds eye I am a different woman.
In my minds eye I have been a different woman for my whole life.
I see myself as different than I am, and then a nasty little thing happens, someone takes a picture of me. and I am forced to recognize that the woman who got dressed, did her hair and make up, and stated to herself "I look gooooood!" was telling a lie.
A funny thing happened; not funny haha but funny hmmm interesting; I am putting together a photo album for my parents 50th anniversary. 50 photos of the people in our family, and as I was looking through the 5 photo boxes full of actual photos and the hundreds of digital pics i have I am noticing something about me.
What I notice is that I was slim but never felt slim. I had a three year old and a three month old and I looked amazing! I would love to look that way today! oh gosh what a far away dream. I clearly remember the day the photo was taken, and I remember during that time I felt ugly and fat, and wondered if I would ever feel slim again, I wondered if my husband would ever want to touch my body again.
I did not see myself. I thought myself. I saw myself only through my minds eye. I saw myself only through the terrible things I told myself.
a few short weeks ago, I had a photo taken of myself at my moms birthday, holy crap! again. My minds eye told me I looked put together, I felt as though I was large, but beautiful, I thought as I was preparing for the event, that I would be looking good, that people who saw me there would think I had "it" together. and that I was content within my skin.
Another lie I told myself,
I did not see myself, I thought myself. I saw myself through my minds eye. I saw myself only through the wonderful things I told myself.
The photo does not lie.
The mirror does.