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Frustration and realization

Wednesday, December 05, 2012

I seem to write a lot of these blogs and I know I need to be more patient with my body and understand that I have a slow thyroid, that even though I'm not diabetic, I seem to have some insulin sensitivity (which is why I do better with weight loss when I go low carb) and all in all I need to make changes I can live with and sometimes I just don't want to have to give things up. And if that is the case, then I have to be patient. I mean, 40 pounds in a year isn't too bad. No, it isn't the 55 pounds I once lost in a short 5 months, but I also gained that weight back. So this time, losing it slowly is going to be better because I will be more likely to keep it off. Right?
The problem is that I have a time frame I need to do this in. I don't want to be a fat bride. I don't want to look at my wedding pictures and hate myself. But I also see a big problem here. I need to change my attitude about myself. I need to realize how far I've come. Not how far I still have to go. I'm just not seeing it. I'm not accepting myself as I am. It's just too hard. I have years and years of being teased and tortured working against me. I have years and years of being told I would be so pretty if I just lost weight. I have so much working against me and I just don't know how to let it go. I also have the idea in my head that my fat is my armor. I know things are different now. I'm with an amazing guy who loves me and I'm older and wiser, but there were so many bad things that happened to me the last time I lost weight. I want to reach my goal, but I think there is a part of me that is afraid to. Being thin and pretty and confident brought me a lot of unwanted attention and I guess I just don't want to go back there. It led me into this cycle of depression and weight gain in the first place. There is some mental block in me that every time I start to have some real success, I then start to sabotage again. I'm not really sure at this point what will help me move past it. I've been through therapy and the emotional eating groups and even an eating disorders clinic, but it just hasn't fully clicked. There's still something in the way, obviously since I am still repeating this cycle of losing a little, gaining a little, losing a little more, gaining a little and ultimately getting there slowly, but I could be doing so much better. Yes, I have some real reasons that I mentioned before. But if I took away all the excuses, there is a real problem at the heart of it. I have been told you have to accept yourself before you can change yourself. But not one person has told me HOW to accept myself. And I think that is my ultimate problem. Yes, I will continue to lose weight slowly, and maybe not always surely, and in a very frustrating way, but it could be much more slow and steady and a positive experience. It's all about attitude and I need to change it. Just gotta figure out how......
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    re: It's all about attitude and I need to change it. Just gotta figure out how......

    You might try "Inside Out Weight Loss" podcasts and the book "FullFilled" by Renee Stephens.

    She does some really great, methodical interior work on the whole weight loss issue.

    THere is a team IOWL with links to the podcasts.

    Good luck!
    3114 days ago
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    I am not sure there is a pat answer to how one reaches the point of accepting themselves. Most of us struggle with this, even the "thin" people. From what I have seen its a status reached by older, more mature, more life experienced people. With a lot of contributing factors that lead them on the way.

    I will say this, perhaps you are being a bit too hard on yourself. Yes, the added time pressure of your wedding may not be helping, but this isn't a sprint - its a life altering, health achieving, in it for the long run, for the rest of our lives - Journey!

    Is there a chance you can shift your mindset from focusing on the numbers to reevaluating why you are not enjoying yourself anymore? I remember reading your blogs about how excited you were for TF and the weighted gloves. Maybe finding a renewed spark will help to refocus?

    Good luck hon!
    3118 days ago
    We all carry emotional baggage. How you handle it and what you choose to discard along your journey is a lifelong process. No quick answers. No easy way. You may wake up one morning and have an epiphany. Most likely, you'll continue to struggle with accepting yourself for a while. AND that is okay. That is normal. Know this: there are people here who will support you, help you, befriend you, guide you, listen to you, and lend a hand in any other way that isn't coming to mind right now. The poster on your page says it all: I refuse to give up on myself.
    3118 days ago
    Have you tried doing some web searches on "how to accept yourself"? There's actually quite a few good links out there, different lists of things that can be done. You might be able to find a snippet here and a snippet there that you find can work for you.

    I know one thing that some people work with is positive thinking, with things like writing and speaking affirmations ("I am capable and deserving of success in my life.") Another I've heard of is finding mantras that fit your situation (like "Live in the present, not the past") to remind yourself any time of important points. Some people like objects like bracelets or charms as reminders of the positive points, of their successes.

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    3118 days ago
    it's so hard to just accept yourself. It's something I still struggle with day to day. But I also know that I didn't really start to lose weight until I forgave myself and started to love myself. Unfortunatly its not something I can teach a person. You have to get there on your own. Which sucks so badly I know. Try writing in a journal. pour your thoughts and feelings onto paper and see what spits out. You may surprise yourself at what you discover about yourself.
    3119 days ago
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