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"I'm a big fat cow"

Tuesday, February 26, 2013

That moment - when you walk by the mirror and see yourself. And you gasp, Did I leave the house looking like this? Have I morphed into an unknown version of myself in the past couple of hours? And the guilt hits, and the sadness, and the frustrations... Things that were pushed back as you went along your day... And now, all you can do is see yourself, and every flaw, every pudge, every "mess" you've made.

It's so easy to wallow in this.. I find myself doing it all the time. I want to blame anything, anyone other than myself. I want cry and scream "This isn't fair!!!" And maybe it isn't. But at the same time... If I don't take responsibility, if I don't do SOMETHING... then what?

What's more horrible than being fat? Losing down and being SO proud, and then gaining back most of it. It's hangs over me, like a sign "loser" or maybe.. "gainer." I don't like to hang photos of me now, not when I have photos there from when I was thin, just a couple of years ago. I'm not sure how to move past this, to forgive, to let go. Of course, I can make excuses, but did I really forgive myself? Do I still self-sabotage, afraid of yet another failure?

I know there is no "perfect." I know it won't be easy. But still I put an insurmountable amount of pressure on myself. To be that... perfect. And when I fall, I fall a long. way. down.

But still I continue... I tarry on. No matter how far I fall, I refuse to just give up. Even when I don't want to see the results, I weigh in. I track, I try.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • no profile photo CD1209462
    I totally feel your pain. It's awful, and frustrating, and completely wipes out your self esteem....only one thing to do, change it all. It can be done, that's the hope we have to hold onto!

    3027 days ago
    your not perfect that is where you fail. you never will be perfect. you are human. don't beat yourself up over something you can never be. you are a wonderful woman and you deserve better than what you are doing to yourself.
    I have failed at a ton of things in life. failure doesn't mean you suck it means you tried something and it didnt work right the first time. So you try again. Do not go beating yourself down over being human. Please.

    3029 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12657776
    You did it once, you can do it again. I feel your pain with the mirror. I appreciate your honesty and wish you much success
    3029 days ago
    I am so sorry that you are feeling this way, I think for the majority of us here on SP we have felt the same way, I know for me I have. I commend you for not giving up, that takes alot of COURAGE. I say this because when we don't see the results we want we get upset and talk down to yourself on how you can never accomplish anything, ignore it and give up! It's a mental battle more than a physical one. Just keep going and take it day by day! I know you have the will, when there's a will there's a way!!!


    We will get there!!!!

    emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon

    P.S. Ever heard of this book? Look into it, it has helped me greatly!

    3029 days ago
    Oh, I know how you are feeling. After maintaining a 70 lbs loss I have been struggling for the past year with 10 lbs that crept on and won't go away. I started asking myself when it started about being skinny and stopped about being healthy? i am still exercising and still eating healthy. I am beginning to realize that maybe the reason those 10 lbs came back on was that it wasn't sustainable, at least, not for me. To live a healthy lifestyle and not kill myself in the process may mean i am a little heavier than I want to be but not as heavy as I was before. i dont' know if this is helpful at all. all I can say is you only lose when you quite, so never quite. You are better off than you were before and your are healthier than you were before. You just need to keep that in mind. Hugs, Paige
    3029 days ago
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