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Ramblings One

Sunday, March 03, 2013

Rambling is exactly what I will be doing-- but after rambling hope I will be able to take the ramblings and put them in some kind of sequence. It has been a month since I have posted a blog and what a month that was. So many things occurred -- some unbelievable and there will be skeptics but I know what I saw, heard and witnessed. This will probably take 3-4 sessions to tell all. Please bear with me and i hope that when you read this you will read something that can affect you positively in some way.

I know it is backwards but I think the best way to start is to start backwards with the now -- then I will start Ramblings Two with all the events that got me to now.

Now is what I have to deal with and work through.

I am totally overwhelmed with paperwork. From the time J was diagnosed and we knew the days were short I began preparing everything that I possibly could. i can not imagine how much more the stress would be now if I had not taken time to do that. I take care of one piece of business and i think of 2 more or another letter comes in the mail with the instructions of something else to do. Most have time limits.

I returned to work Monday and back to my long days with Friday off. I can make a few phone calls between visits but I can't do the running around things. Yesterday i was able to get taxes filed. ( after much stress and little sleep Friday night -- my information was all on Quicken -- but J's was not and I had to dig through his records ). I also worked on it all yesterday morning till time for appointment. Did good--- getting a great refund so the hard work paid off.

Now I have a mound of information to get together to meet with probate court Friday and another mound to get together to meet with an attorney and Social Security to see if I can get any benefits for Melissa. Have to see attorney as the money she has will have to be put in a Special Needs Trust for her to qualify.

Then there is the insurance companies. I still have two medical bills that have not been resolved and the last bill from hospice. Then I have to cancel all his health insurance policies and file claims for life insurance and they all have different forms and procedures. I have made initial phone calls but have to do all the follow up.

Thank you notes have to be written, dishes returned, etc.

Then there are the usual everyday chores of cleaning, paying bills, and trying to live.

I will now share one story and blessing. The last 2 weeks J was in a hospital bed. I had it put in the den. He was too weak to walk without a great risk of falling or passing out. I did not want him isolated in one room. The bed was placed next to a double window. I immediately went to Lowe's and bought a pole with 4 hooks. I bought a pot of pansies to hang on one and a bird feeder. This was placed just outside the window. Within 24 hours the birds were coming, beautiful cardinals, blue birds, finches, and mockingbirds. He and we were so excited when we saw the first bird come to feed. One day in his very weakened conditioned and very weak voice I sat on the side of the bed and held his hand. He asked me " When I am gone will you forget all about me"?
I looked at him and said how can I forget you, we have 42 years of dating and marriage, kids, the good, the bad and the ugly. I then told him the bird feeder would stay at the window and that each time the birds come I would think of him knowing we watched the first birds feed. He shed a tear and said when you see the birds know that I am with you.

The sun is out, a cold but beautiful day, life goes on and I will too. I am blessed by what is left. I am blessed that I had the insight to take care of so much business ahead of time and blessed that J understood and trusted me to take care of business in a way that would make it easier at his death. I am blessed that as I was writing this blog I kept seeing shadows. When I looked up my yard was covered with birds and several on the feeder. A sign from heaven that I am surrounded by love and life is good.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    I just come across your blog today... May God be with you at this time... seems like you found a way to make those last days have some wonderful memories...

    Take care of yourself and God bless you
    2986 days ago
  • LYNCHD05
    There are not many things that make me cry but this did. How lovely for you and J to have shared this. I have said it before, but you really are an angel!
    2986 days ago
    Awwww, what a beautiful blog. That was such a beautiful thing to do -- putting the flowers and bird feeder. Beautiful. And your answer to him? THAT made me cry. You have such a huge heart.

    Blessings to you getting through all you have to get throuh. HUGS
    2991 days ago
    What beautiful and heartfelt words. It is something I feel the need to read over and over. It was wise of you to do the preparations you did. The bird feeder and flowers were a great idea. Prayers for you and your family.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2992 days ago
    I have been worried about you and what you were going through with J. It seems like there was peace in the end and that you remained strong for him. He is in a better place now and so are you. You can rest in the fact that you put yourself out there and committed yourself to the very end. You certainly have a great reward waiting for you in the afterlife. I pray that all of your paperwork is quickly resolved and you can start living life for you. emoticon emoticon

    2992 days ago
    I had been wondering how you were doing and now know. Prayers are going up still for you and your family and good wishes that all works out well. ((HUGS))
    2992 days ago
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