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Bi-Polars may follow this blog better than most. lol

Monday, April 15, 2013

Now you see me, now you don’t. That is just how it goes with me. Lately I have had more down swings than ups. I Seclude myself. Ha ha. I seclude myself so much that when I get in a real conversation with someone in person, I can’t shut up. It’s like I am trying to tell them EVERYTHING I have had no one to tell it to for the few months. Lol
I don’t even know why I am trying to write a blog. My mind is drawing a blank. Maybe I am just throwing out a rope to see if anyone will catch it. That sounds awfully close to narcissism doesn’t it?
I like that my hair has gotten long enough to wrap around my neck when I sleep, having to don a pony tail sometimes.
I try to take care of my skin especially the face, but I am the only one who sees it.
I have bouts of REALLY REALLY bad eating, but for the most part I eat healthy. I just eat more than I need.
Warning: My thoughts tend to be all over the place.
Part of my depression, and why I disappeared from my BLC team stems from financial matters that have been drowning me, to the point of contemplating bankruptcy. And life insurance. Microsoft Word is telling this sentence is fragmented. I have to laugh. I am thinking of course it is, I am fragmented! lol
When I moved back to Utah (from Texas) I had all my debt caught up and all cards paid off. My son said I should shred them and close the accounts. Good thing I didn’t. Days before our move both of our vehicles underwent necessary unplanned repairs. How did I pay? Credit card. How did I pay for the gas, food and lodging? Credit cards. How did I pay for the movers? Credit cards. When I got back and moved in to my apartment, I found myself completely BROKE. I had to go to Paycheck place and got a loan, which turned in to another loan. I was paying 280.00 every paycheck just for that alone. Then comes the credit card payments on top of that. I got hooked up with a debt consolation company. They said they could handle everything but the Paycheck loan place. Well, last week I emailed them and told them I would no longer need their services and could they advise me on bankruptcy. They wanted to talk to me so I called. She checked with her supervisor, explaining my circumstance and desperation. They agreed to take on the paycheck place too. They just said that those places usually won’t agree on anything less than 100% of the debt and at a higher interest rate. Even though that paints a really bad picture…..it means that now I can buy fruits and vegetables. It means I can get gasoline.
I have already sold almost everything I have, including my dining room table and chairs.
Changing directions:
During a recent trip to a dentist he said I need 7 Crowns, one of which needs 2 bone transplants and a metal post to replace the tooth they pulled. They pulled it without giving me an idea of the cost of doing the work necessary for replacing that tooth. That was $5000.00 then of course the 500.00 for the crown itself through the dentist. If I had been given a heads up, I would have left the tooth in till I had the money. Now I am missing a front tooth, one of the fangs. And all this after they took care of 5 cavities. I didn’t have dental insurance for years so never went. Finally broke down and bought private coverage.
Warning: My thoughts tend to be all over the place.

The relief of not having to pay 280.00 every paycheck will allow me to pay my bills, buy healthy food, and take care of my teeth, even if it is one tooth at a time. And hope fully put an extra 25.00 in to savings.

Back tracking:

Because my finances have been so bad for so long, I did not claim enough on my W-4 and ended up owing the IRS. I knew I would, just like I knew I would have to make payment arrangements to pay it back. But at least now that that huge bi-weekly payment is gone, I can have them take it out of my checks and still live.

Does anyone tell themselves… “I’ll go to the gym when I lose a little weight” I always try to hide as much of myself as possible.

I am ashamed of myself for letting myself become who and what I am today.

There is way more to that last statement than anyone really cares to read. At least not on this blog. Let’s just say, I am a bad person. I have been from birth. There is no way my parents did not notice; as they saw the personality I had grown in to, and some of the things I did or said. The kicker is, all my life I thought I was crazy. If they have done something when I was young, they could have prevented years of mental agony. Now as an adult it also turns out I have depression, anxiety and bi-polar. AND I am crazy. As I got older and wiser I tried to be better than I am. But it just isn’t working. No matter how hard I try, I am still the messed up little girl I always have been.

I guess my mind was not blank after all. It just had so much that it compartmentalized and put it all away, as it always does. My mind is very efficient that way. lol
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    2986 days ago
    2990 days ago
    I am a typical nut case. I take high doses of Seroquel, Lamictal, Trazodone and Lorazapam.

    It is embarrasing.
    2991 days ago
  • MARYBETH4884
    Being honest with yourself about who you are, and who you really want to be is a great step towards a positive end! We all have hills and valleys, crazy curvy road to follow but moving forward is always good! You took the steps towards financial balance and you are succeeding! You always have a safe place here to vent . Look at your accomplishments! Your son and his success in school as largely because you enabled it to happen and was always there for him through it. Nothing to be ashamed of !! emoticon
    2991 days ago
    I'm bipolar too and although I've not been in as bad a financial situation as you are I'm not able to pay my mortgage this month so yeah I get it for sure... and yes fragmented is a good word. There are more people like you! oxxo emoticon
    2991 days ago
    Take it a day at a time and, more importantly, taie care of yourself.

    2991 days ago
    emoticon Crazy is not always a bad thing! emoticon

    Seriously though - I have fragmented thoughts too - and often get bouts of depression for no real reason at all...anxiety too. It's nuts! You are not alone!

    2991 days ago
    emoticon I understand, I've been there. Are you on medication? Able to talk to someone?

    2991 days ago
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