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Restarting and the picture that started it all.

Sunday, April 21, 2013

I've always hated taking pictures.

In fact I avoid them like the plague. Unfortunately you can't duck from everyone with a camera. I happened to see this picture and it horrified me. I'd felt myself gaining weight. When I first started to lose weight in 2010 (?) I weighed 198lbs. Being 2lbs away from 200lbs scared me into losing weight. I'm 5'4 so this looked even worse on a small frame. I struggled, I tracked I dropped down to 157 and a size 8. I felt great.

At some point in the past year, I started eating my depression and feelings. I stopped working out like I used to. I loved my kickboxing and zumba but an issue with my back has benched me for the past 4months. All of this plus other things and slowly the weight has crept back on. I saw the scale moving up. 1 lb. , 2 lbs. I made excuses, sodium, water weight, TOM. Before I knew it, the scale hit 194lbs. I still didn't see it. I didn't want to see it. The bigger clothes I had to buy. Also didn't want to see those. But this. This I couldn't ignore. Here it is.

I started crying when I saw this. All of that effort. All of those years of counting calories. All of those back to back cardio classes. For nothing. I'm back to almost my starting weight from years ago. I see a face and double chin I recognize but hadn't seen in years. That belly roll does not make me jolly. How did I get back here again?

I feel like such a failure.

So I have two choices. Keep seeing through rose colored glasses and say it's ok. I'm not THAT fat. OR give it another try. So here I go again. Trying to regain my health and stop hating what I see in the mirror every day.

After much thought I signed up with Weight Watchers. I am combining the tools I learned here with theirs. I am also trying to make my back stronger and get to those cardio classes I love.

So press the restart button.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You are adorable in that before picture! So glad you didn't settle for being a pretty face and are going for the healthy body, too.

    Please, please, please... don't look back, don't berate yourself. Love emoticon yourself, the person you ARE and the person you will be. Feel those long, lean muscles under your padding and sing to them. Cultivate the good and it will grow.

    2786 days ago
  • KAT130
    so you just went through the same thing as me. I'm so glad you came back, it's nice to know at least one person on here! :)
    2833 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13793073
    I wuv you at ANY weight! I'm like you though and my goal is not only to get it off, but keep it ALL off, baby. We'll get there, AND be one of the 5%. emoticon
    2859 days ago
    2889 days ago
  • SUNNY332
    I so agree with the others that you are not a failure.

    Love you, Hershey! Keep up the good works.

    2889 days ago
    You may "feel" like a failure but you are NOT a failure.

    People who are failures do not get back up, they stay stuck!
    You got back up and are moving forward.... you are a winner!


    Focus on the future.

    - How you are going to look.
    - How you are going to feel.
    - What you are going to weigh.
    - What clothes are going to fit you.
    - And so on.

    This attitude is more in harmony with losing weight.

    It helps to maintain realistic expectations, so we don't quit after a bad day or days.
    It encourages us to follow sensible, effective eating plans.
    It reduces stress and helps us to stay patient.

    You are a winner!

    2943 days ago
    Best of luck with your re-start. It took real courage to take off your rose-colored glasses. You can do this! One day and one step at a time.
    2944 days ago
    Hiya Chica you can do it take it one day at a time and one step at a time. We are here to help you anyway we can. I am in the same vote as you and trying to get back to the basics.

    2945 days ago
  • AMY-MIMI77
    This has happened to the majority of us.
    The important thing is that you come back & don't accept defeat.
    Here's to the journey - May it be a great one

    (glad to have you back)
    2945 days ago
    We've all been there before, but the important thing is that you realized you need to take action and you're actually doing so. Congratulations!! I'm here for you.
    2945 days ago
    You just took what is probably the most difficult step in your journey. You've got support and lots of wise guidance. There is ALWAYS someone here to listen and to give you a firm nudge in the right direction. In the end only you can really take the steps you need to take when you stand before the ______(fill in the blank of what you are going to eat that you shouldn't) -- and you can eat some of anything you desire. For me, if I feel I can't , I soon resent it. The WORD diet make me crazy. I realize that this spark "thing" I do every day is my life. The friends I surround myself are my lifestyle. This is who I am and what I need to be doing for life because this isn't a piece with a date I start and and end date and I'm done or else guess what? I end up back at 250 again and each time as I age it happens sooner and takes longer to come off. :::sigh::: Sweetie, you are worth it and you don't need to hide behind a profile picture that isn't you because we all love YOU for YOU inside and out. YOU are beautiful! Together we CAN! You CAN and you WILL! emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2945 days ago
    I have faith in you. You will succeed to lose the weight (again). You have already demonstrated that YOU know how and CAN do it!! And, this time you know that you will always have to keep at least one EYE on what your hands are delivering to your mouth...
    As I said, I have faith in YOU. You CAN and WILL achieve your goal(s).
    2945 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12207279
    i also tend to eat my emotions. Last Summer a picture inspired me! You can do this.
    2946 days ago
    I'm also starting back at square one. It is soooo frustrating! But you can do this. You did it before. You can do it again. And so can I. It really sucks to have lost so much ground after all that hard work, but we just have to start where we're at. Good luck!
    2946 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12568371
    emoticon dragging in a restart button!

    any access to pool for exercise? it saved me when my back was hurt!

    I am sorry for the backslide, this is not fun, but.... i can hear the desire to fight it in your voice.... and know that you can do this again... let's celebrate as you lose those extra chins & rolls and get back to where you want to be!!!

    emoticon Hang in! emoticon
    2946 days ago
  • GLMOM2
    Me too! You are not alone.

    I'd love for us to be accountability SPFriends, if you'd like one. I recently started back on the wagon for the 100-day health challenge for myself & family. Having SparkFriends helps me too!

    We are like twin Sparksisters! LOL. I began my journey to healthier me in 2010 also. Plus I was pushing 200 at the time too. I began my journey at 193!

    We did it before - emoticon again & again if we need to to get the job done!
    2946 days ago
  • no profile photo CD13416738
    DON'T PUT YOURSELF DOWN MY FRIEND ! ALL OF US HAS BEEN WHERE YOU ARE AND STARTED OVER ! Losing weight is the easy part keeping it off is the hard part . You are in my prayers on the team GOD ANSWERS PRAYER ! YOU ARE AND HAVE NOT BEEN FORGOTTEN. Just start over like it didn't happen and go go go ! emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2946 days ago
    emoticon Been there, done that - too many times to count! Oh not always to 'goal' but to a weight I was not unhappy with. But I'm here to tell you it CAN be done - because I've done it!! I take it one day at a time - and spend a LOT of time here on SparkPeople to keep my health/weight on my mind every day. This has been a bad week for me eating wise but I WILL change that - the days of giving up are gone for me and can be gone for you!!

    Come on - let's JUST DO IT - together!! SparkPeople has everything you need to do it - you just have to follow the steps. And it wasn't all for nothing - you gained knowledge earlier in your journey, knowledge that will help you stay the course!! emoticon
    2946 days ago
  • no profile photo CD5696353
    Love your re-commitment. I see a beautiful person both inside and out in that photo. The diet failed you. You did not fail the diet. You were "on" the diet and then fell "off " the diet. This is a long journey, not a short sprint. This is a lifetime decision. The only way, IMHO, to lose the weight permanently is not to view this as a diet. Any changes you make you must be able to live with forever, otherwise the plan will fail and the weight will be re-gained. Wishing you only the best, ALWAYS! xo
    2946 days ago
  • ROSE-100
    emoticon ,keep pushing
    2946 days ago
    Focus on the positive! You've done it before and you know what to do. I told myself I'd never be 225.........then I told myself I'd never be 250. When I reached 300, I had to stop lecturing myself and take the steps to do something about it. I'm down to 275..........but like you, I got benched. I was down to 266 but back to 275. But even though I was benched there was no excuse for those Dairy Queen stops or for eating two meals at one sitting or for eating a bag of M & Ms every single night........I have to hold myself accountable and even though I'm still benched from my cardio classes, I can start taking control of what passes my lips again.

    One step at a time. We can do this! I'd love to be at 194..............but I've got to get serious to even see 250.
    2946 days ago
    I love your tragic story lol The thing you have to realize is you are alot skinnier than me even if you want to lose weight. I'm 243 pounds (I started at 258) and at nearly the same height as you between 5 ft 3 and 4 inches. When I reach your starting weight, I will be exactly half way through my journey. I will have come A LONG way. A lot of people in America weigh more than you at about the same height. Feel blessed your journey can be alot shorter than mine if you are diligent :-)
    2946 days ago

    Comment edited on: 4/21/2013 2:54:06 PM
  • COOP9002
    Don't be too hard on yourself. Now you're ready for the journey to begin. Blessings to you on this path.
    2946 days ago
    A journey of a thousand miles begins with one step.

    Make Today a Great Day!
    2946 days ago
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