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Don't cry over spilled doughnuts ... or something like that.

Tuesday, April 23, 2013

Yesterday ... I had a literal emotional breakdown over a doughnut.

Most of you are not surprised by this. If you have read any of my blogs you know that I am pretty transparent about my struggles with food.

Others might think I'm being ridiculous. That's okay, you are welcome to your own opinions, but before you judge - take some time to get to know me and you will realize that I'm a pretty level-headed girl and (even though I might be a little dramatic at times) I am really doing my best to work my way through this weight loss journey in the most healthy way possible - and that means that I have to get to the bottom of the WHY of my issues and not just the WHAT...

The WHAT is pretty obvious. I have issues. Everyone can see it. Unlike some other addictions - I can't hide in the dark, or in the privacy of my own home, or in a bar somewhere. My addiction is blaring loud and clear for everyone to see and to judge. They say that the first step in breaking any addiction is to acknowledge that you have a problem...

Well, Ive done that - 3 different times. Yes, I have lost over 70 lbs on 2 different occasions - and here I am again, back to getting those same 70 lbs off again. I wont quit ... I will keep fighting for my life. It may be shameful - but I can deal with that too. So...again I say - the WHAT is obvious - I can deal with the WHAT.

However, if I want to keep the weight off this time - or any time ... I MUST find the WHY. I have been unable to accomplish this goal so far.

Why? Why does throwing a doughnut in the trash send me into a puddle of tears at my cubicle desk (of all places)?

Why do I equate eating at home (instead of eating out) with some sort of punishment?

Why do I feel like my weight is validation of the person I am inside?

If you've come accross this blog and you have had these same questions ... or if you have never asked yourself "Why?" - then just know that you will have to ask yourself these questions ... if you are an addict, or else you will never win.

On a side note - I ran 2 miles yesterday.

I never thought I would be a runner - I certainly never thought I would be a runner at 250 lbs. Just goes to show that the mind is a powerful thing - and your body can do more than you think it can. ;o)

Have a great week Sparkers!
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    PS I know that my addiction is to Sugar and white carbs not food in general.
    Sugar is my drug. We can't hide our bodies so true, but who thinks twice about offering us our drug of choice. Not many. Or indulging in front of us, or advertising on TV in Mags and all over the grocery store. Every "event" My drug is easy to get and easy to find someone to share it with. I hate my drug.
    Today you gave me reason to try again to leave it alone.
    Thank you, I needed that
    2919 days ago
    I have always been ( since seeing your for the first time on Spark) and still am a huge fan of yours. No pun intended. You are going to make it. I just know it.
    Dang it is a hard journey though isn't it?
    I go crazy having a good week, month or year just to sabotage myself and have to start over or nearly over again.

    This time my goal is small. I believe in baby steps. 7 pounds in 7 weeks to reach 215 by the fourth of July 2013. Wish me luck.
    And a great big hug and a good luck to you
    2919 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12068091
    WTG on the running! Praying you find out your why. emoticon
    2937 days ago
    thanks for the smile! I know the donut thing..... I can relate. Now, ask me how I feel throwing the celery in the trash? Not one tear, not one shred of emotion. If you figure out what that is about, let me know please?

    Kudos on the running! I wish I could run - walking a mile gives me pain, which brings me back to the donut, which is probably at the root of that pain..... hmmmmm.

    Somedays I win, somedays the donut wins, but when I can look at that donut and see the pain, the shame I carry from being overweight, that donut doesn't stand a chance!

    Never quit! emoticon
    2937 days ago
    PS I too have discovered that at 227 pounds I can run for two miles straight! I ran a mile at 260. NEVER knew my body could do that!
    2937 days ago
    Oh my GOSH, lol, you sound just like me! Are you sure we are not long lost sisters? You are so funny. Ranting and raving, and then all like, but I RAN! LOL, I do the same thing all the time. Don't you love being a woman? We just flip that fast.

    Now about that donut. Girl you will never need to explain to me about donuts, or cake or cookies or well, anything delicious, I don't play favorites, I completely understand!

    Some days we win, some days we lose, some days we learn... As long as I keep learning I'm ok with my feelings. I am learning to do deal with them when they arise, even if I cry. It is better to cry than eat the donut if you are not hungry or if it is going to cause guilt and pain later.

    You are doing all the right things. Soon this mountain will be like a molehill, that you have threshed your way through. Only believe, only keep on keeping on!

    You've got this girl!
    2937 days ago
    I just got here. This is the first comment I've written on here, but I can definitely relate. It's great you are running! I usually walk. I hope to be able to run someday. Oh, my husband brought home doughnuts last weekend. He doesn't get it. emoticon
    2938 days ago
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