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Eating my way through tragedy

Saturday, June 08, 2013

I'd started this year with the highest of hopes; my future seemed so bright. Cancer free, happy marriage, healthy dogs, good home, pretty good at work, eating healthier, and starting clomid (fertility treatment) - trying to have a baby. I'd even started doing really well at my 10-minute a day spark exercise streaks... And then March 9th happened. I took my two little shih tzus, Pepper and Sashi to a dog wash fund raiser across town... and they let them out of their crate in the wash room, and into the store, where the front door was propped open, and they chased Pepper into the street.. and she flew, faster than lightening, down the yellow line.. while I cried her name, but it was too late. I held her collar in my hand, in disbelief. This did not just happen.

The first two weeks I lost weight.. as I spent every waking moment searching for her, too upset to even eat. And then once I started to eat (and sleep) again, I haven't been able to stop - comfort food, I guess. I've been so depressed, so obsessed, and I haven't had the mental capacity or physical strength... or will... to take care of myself.

A lot of people probably won't understand.. but she was my baby. She is only one year old, and she came to me when I needed her the most, last year was ridiculously difficult. I thought, surely 2013 is going to be amazing. Because nothing can suck as bad as last year! Ugh. This happened in the middle of clomid, round 2. Of course, it didn't work that round either. So I took a break from that, because I couldn't handle it. I couldn't even stomach the thought of trying for a baby, when MY baby is lost.

I'm doing better... Even though the tears are falling, even as I type. Tomorrow will be three months, and I have got to take care of myself.. whether I want to or not. I've done EVERYTHING possible to find my baby - 100's of flyers and signs, a facebook page ( www.facebook.com/HelpFin
), a billboard sign, lost ads in the newspaper, a full blown color advertisement in the paper, craigslist - local and surrounding, flyers and mailers to every vet/shelter/pet store/groomer in the area and surrounding cities, tracker dog, pet psychics, night and group searches, talked with every rescue in the STATE, been on the local news, radio, walked our other dogs, marked, set up traps, offered rewards, and prayed and searched and prayed and searched - you name it- I think I've done it. And now... I leave this with God. I cannot do anymore.

My health has taken a toll. My husband has had to set me down and have a talk with me - I don't want any cancer coming back - I have GOT to take care of myself. I told him this morning, I feel like I have smokers' lungs, even though I haven't smoked since my surgery - Feb 2012. It's from inactivity and weight gain. It sucks, but I want to be around for my husband, my other pets, and maybe a baby in the future...

I keep bouncing around between vegan and fast food - I need to learn moderation and balance. I need to find my life again.. I don't think I'll ever get over this, if she never comes home, and I won't give up, but I have got to pull myself together. And I have got to lose weight... This morning I was at 232 lbs. Frikkin crazytown.

So I reset my sparkgoals today, and here we go...
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    So sorry!
    2820 days ago
    emoticon sweetie!!
    2820 days ago
  • MAZZY0774
    Praying for you. I truly Hope things are getting better. Hugs
    2899 days ago
    I am so very sorry to hear about Pepper, how terrible. I think it's wonderful that you've stopped for a moment and reset some goals. Take care of yourself and take it slow and steady. In the meantime, I'll keep you and Pepper in my thoughts.
    2927 days ago
  • no profile photo CD1209462
    I'm so sorry for your loss. It's really heart breaking. I hope your baby finds her way back to you, but in the meantime I agree, you need to start trying to get yourself back on the right path:(
    2929 days ago
    I am so sorry to hear you were once again hit with a MAJOR blindside. Balance and moderation sound so SIMPLE - unfortunately they really aren't SIMPLE. One of the best images I have for balance that keeps me in FOCUS on what balance REALLY means is the old fashioned scales of justice. Look at those scales, do they stay even? No, they bounce up and down and up and down and eventually stay CLOSE to the middle but even in balance are not steady or unmoving. Balance is a matter of dealing with the ups and downs so that they don't go wild. Don't place pound weights on when you really need 1/4 ounce weights. Start by recognizing that you are still dealing with the emotional ups and downs of last year as well as the loss of your "baby". All of the extremes of emotion are not about a single catastrophe but the WHOLE &%^&% MESS of the past couple of years - AND you are doing it without SMOKING. Take a moment to LOVE yourself enough to be kind and gentle. Maybe take some yoga classes, learn to meditate or take time out for some quiet prayer time. Put the focus on taking care of YOURSELF spiritually, emotionally, and physically - allow yourself to find ways to treat you as you would a special friend who is in a fragile state of being. I speak with some authority as I had lost 160 pounds and regained most of it when my SON died - it was horrible and until I finally stopped and recognized that I needed CARE and not abuse that I was able to stabilize. I still have those emotional, physical, spiritual moments when the world look BLACK AS COAL - but I use prayer, meditation, and gentle love of myself to balance those out a bit. I use tons of positive affirmations and upbeat messages to stay out of the pits. When my cat disappeared for 2 weeks I was beside myself - then she returned and I was glad that I refused to allow myself to wallow in negativity - despite the tears that fell all the time.

    I will keep you in my prayers and thoughts. (HUGS)
    2929 days ago
    I just shared your Lost post on my Facebook page even though I don't have a big page, hopefully you will find Pepper soon..

    I am sending prayers your way!!!!!!! Huggies!
    2929 days ago
    Breathe and try to relax even though it will be really hard. You have a lot going on lately and it's natural to go through this. I lost my mom in April and then had knee surgery and have gained back 12 pounds. Just take it one day at a time. Remember, part of this journey is taking care of YOURSELF. You need to feed your body the nutrients it needs to function. It will also help you think clearer and feel better. Hang in there and do your best. That's all you can do. HUGS!
    2929 days ago
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