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Hello, Reality. Remember me?

Friday, February 28, 2014

I feel like a fraud.

Last week, my SparkPage was voted as Motivational. That should be awesome, right? Like even an honor. So many people—known and unknown to me—cheering me on, congratulating me on my accomplishments, telling me how my story of losing 100 pounds inspires them in some way.

I really don’t take that lightly. It truly makes me very glad that in some small manner, I might have touched someone else’s life in a positive way.

That’s why I have to out myself. I would feel like a complete and utter fraud if I didn’t. I’ve had an inner struggle this past week trying to decide to just let the façade remain, or to peel away the layers and be vulnerable & sincere. I’ve been absent from SparkPeople altogether, and from…I guess…reality altogether in terms of facing my weight gain. But, I’ve opted for the honest approach. Denial has only led me to regret.

So, here goes. I lost 100 pounds. Woohoo!! Now, let’s move onto the fine print. I have GAINED 80 POUNDS BACK!!! It really is difficult to say, difficult to admit--to anyone reading this, and especially to myself.

I have a before/after picture on my SparkPage from Easter a few years ago, showing what a difference a year makes. Well, I’m clearly far more like the before picture than the after right now. That makes me feel pretty crappy, yet it also serves as a reminder that I’m capable.

Failure isn’t final.

I don’t have the answers. I don’t really know why I let that line get so blurred. Why I let complacency set in. Why I didn’t dig deeper, sooner. Why and how did I become indifferent and just allow my bad habits not only to creep back in, but to overcome me?

I wish I had the answers. But I do have a plan. I will keep asking myself the hard questions. I will approach these 80 pounds just like I did the 100 pounds. Focus on losing 10 pounds at a time, celebrating small wins, big wins, and acknowledging poor choices sooner.

I’m not perfect by any means. And now that I’ve come clean, I no longer feel like a fraud. Instead, I feel determined.

I think that’s a pretty good start.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    You're awesome , I hope that your 2016 is going well
    1979 days ago
    Wooo hoo!!!!! Great blog and first step to becoming your after picture again!!! I am right there with you about life coming in between our weight loss goals! I slowly started gaining back and was away from spark for almost 2 years if not more. Right in the beginning of me gaining back I was included in an emailed with a group of successful spark members to tell my story possible for a success story!! I couldn't bare to respond because I felt like a fraud as well!!!! BUT us taking off our blinders is the first step and I know we can do this! Even if it is again! One small goal at a time!!! I'm going to add you so we can keep motivating each other!
    2611 days ago
    you are so inspirational and strong! amazing!
    I gained back 1 1/2 kg last week after a mindless eating spell and didn't know how to face my team or post about it, infact was putting off sparking too and when finally I logged in to find your reply on my page and to read your blog WOW! thanks for putting things in perspective for me
    you're my hero , Im confident you'll get to your goal, wiser and stronger,
    all the best emoticon emoticon
    2697 days ago
    I am glad to see you back...I just came back myself. I know you can do it and you'll motivate others with your determination and commitment while you do!
    2697 days ago
    emoticon emoticon I wondered where you had got to. Well you know you can do it - and you will do it again.
    It is great that you have a plan in place - look forward to hearing how you get on with it.
    And all your spark friends are here to give you encouragement and support as well.
    emoticon emoticon
    2699 days ago
    Good for you...I'm sure that wasn't easy. We will all keep fighting this until we figure out how to keep it all off for good. I know, it's amazing how those habits can come back. I fight that, too.
    2704 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12681982
    You are a strong, brave and motivational woman with integrity. Bravo to you for "coming clean"...but bigger kudos for getting ready to hit the road again with such determination. It's great to be in first place and be "#1"...but it's super hard to dig and claw your way back up after you've fallen. I continue to be inspired by you and will cheer you on every step of the way!!
    2705 days ago
    This post only makes you more motivational because many MANY more of us do the losing/gaining thing than just the losing thing, it's encouraging to see people who have succeeded (so we know it CAN be done) but then to see those same people who have fallen off the bus be committed to chasing after it and jumping back on! Way to go and I'm sure you'll be back down in no time!
    2705 days ago
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    Disclaimer: Weight loss results will vary from person to person. No individual result should be seen as a typical result of following the SparkPeople program.