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My Motivation Needs Examining

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Monday, June 09, 2014

I really need to reevaluate WHY I'm trying to lose weight. I didn't start strong when I first joined SP in March, but when the BLC began, I was doing great. Now, 6 weeks in, my mojo seems to be almost completely gone.

I've steadily lost about a pound each week,sometimes more, sometimes less, and haven't YET gained, but it's slowing. I'm not exercising as much, not tracking food as consistently, and not making good food choices very often. Some of it is due to legitimate reasons...I was sick for a few weeks, upper-respiratory stuff, which made exercise too much. The rest is excuses--stress, feeling down, "I'll make it up tomorrow"....

It's time to figure out the WHY. Why do I want to lose weight. Sure, I want cute clothes, to fit better in booths, cars, movie seats, take the kids to an amusement park and ride with them... But that's not the core.

The stock answer is "for my kids". Of course I want to live a long life, play energetically, not embarrass them. I think this is what I meant a few months ago when I would say I'm doing it for my kiddos.

I have a Dr's appt Thursday for the first lab work I've had in at least 3 years. I'm terrified that I may have hypothyroidism (I did after each kiddo was born, but it stabilized...but I was never this BIG); I'm terrified I may have insulin resistance or even diabetes (I've been this BIG for several years); I'm terrified my blood pressure is going to be high enough to need meds.

One would think that all of this fear would be motivation enough to keep me on track. It's not. I think that my self-esteem is so damaged right now that I can't make it a priority. Maybe I feel I'm not worth it? Maybe I'm afraid that if I fail I'll feel worse about myself?

So, now what? I am unable at this particular time to put my health in and of itself first. I have to put my kiddos first...I'd do anything for them. But I've slowed; lost my mojo. Why? Maybe it's because I AM playing more with them actively--outside rather than just crafts, games, reading, and movies. Maybe I've subconsciously been fooling myself that this alone means I'm doing better?

Whatever the reason, I cannot stop. I cannot give up. I cannot fail. I need fresh motivation!

I started really looking at my babies. My son is 9, and daughter is 7. Both are healthy weights for their heights. They finished school last week. They've done very little actively.

Matthew said he wants to play video games all summer and doesn't care if he's healthy (now Wii will only be allowed on rainy days or 1 hr on days we have no other activities--days with activities that are nice, none. DS only on long car rides). I've enticed him to come out and play basketball or play catch. He's resisted, but given in to me.

Lizzie persistently resists. Once she came out with a book and plopped herself in a chair (I used to pull that trick when I was a skinny kid...I soon became a chubby kid). I'm all for reading. We do the library program every summer, and read on our own or to each other at least 30 minutes daily, but activity is very important, too! The worst is that she likes NO fruits or veggies. On a good day she'll eat applesauce or green beans, but it's rare.

It finally hit me. I'm a bad example for my kiddos at a critical time in their childhoods; a time where they're still wanting to emulate me, to play with me, to please me! If I don't nip this in the bud NOW I'll be setting THEM up for weight struggles and self-esteem battles stemming from that!

SLAP! Reality just hit me in the face. HARD. I'm one of those "do as I say, not as I do" moms! I'm skipping breakfast and snacking on chips (even measured and tracked not a healthy choice, and done way too often!), and sitting inside reading or watching tv, while saying "EAT BREAKFAST!", "HAVE A HEALTHY SNACK!", and "GO PLAY OUTSIDE!". I'm a hypocrite, and my kiddos are old enough and smart enough to see this!!

It's stopping here. Today was rainy and Lizzie's Girl Scout picnic was cancelled, so we played games and watched movies. Lizzie went all day with no snacks except a measured serving of applesauce (Matthew ate a whole container of cherry tomatoes...I'm cool with that) because I said today was NO JUNK day.

Am I going to toss all junk from the cupboards? Many people do. I'm not. I don't want them to fear food. Instead, they, and I, will eat healthy, balanced meals. If we occasionally want chips or sweets, ok...but ONE SERVING. I will teach them to use the food scale, and at first, despite being environmentally unfriendly, we will measure any goodies into Ziplocs as soon as they're purchased, and they will only be permitted on weekends or special occasions. Matthew will be fine. Lizzie may be cranky due to hunger for a while, but I believe she'll eventually learn to like at least a few fruits and veggies. I'm not big on fruits, so she and I will do "tastings" together until we've expanded our taste pallets.

I THINK I've found a reality-based motivator...be a positive role model for my kiddos. It won't be easy. There will be tears and arguing from them as well as me. There will be mistakes, "slips", along the way. In the long run, I think this will work, and we will all be healthier for life.
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