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I Take It Back, so Please Make It Stop

Sunday, August 24, 2014

I hadn't even announced the news of my 4th pregnancy on SP (had only told my job and a few members of my family) and now I'm blogging about losing the baby.

If you don't know, I have three wonderful and healthy boys ranging in ages from eight to three. After the drama of my last labor and delivery (and the fact that three is enough), I was not going to have any more children.

To say I was shocked in July when the home pregnancy test came back positive would be an understatement. In the early days of shock and panic, my husband asked me if I was contemplating an abortion. I was not EVER thinking of that, but I did think that maybe having a miscarriage would be the best thing to happen. I know that makes me a terrible person, and I've grown to love this baby, but I never took back those first horrible thoughts.

This morning I started bleeding and after an afternoon in the emergency room, I've been sent home on strict bed rest with the diagnosis of "Threatened Miscarriage". I have strict bed rest until Tuesday when I have to follow up with my doctor and have the miscarriage confirmed or not. In the meantime, I can only cry, apologize for those initial horrible thoughts, and repeatedly say that I take them back. I'm so sorry I even had those horrible thoughts. I take them back. Please make this stop. I want this precious baby, please... Please, please make this stop and let this baby be okay. emoticon
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
  • JCORYCMA
    Honey, if every woman who felt like a pregnancy occurred at the wrong time and expressed such lost their baby, we'd have no population. You are not horrible. You are normal and I know that inside you really were okay with it - timing and all. You are such a good mom! You'll have another one that you will love so much and while you'll never forget the one that you lost, you will look at your new little one and realize that this one might not be here if you hadn't the grief of losing the one that you did. Hang in there!!
    2436 days ago
  • HDHAWK
    I'm so sorry about this Heather. It's not out of the ordinary to have those thougths, especially when you thought you weren't having any more. I would imagine you were overwhelmed wondering how you were going to take on another baby. You have a busy life already. I'll be thinking of you. I've been through 3 miscarriages so I do understand.
    2449 days ago
  • SINGER73
    You are NOT a horrible person. If your last pregnancy was so dramatic, I could see why you had that thought. Just hang tight until Tuesday and see what happens.
    2451 days ago
  • GRACIEC
    Heather, I'm so sorry - hugs and prayers! You are a loving person and it's normal to have all kinds of thoughts when faced with life changing events! Forgive yourself!
    2451 days ago
  • no profile photo CD12236521
    While I have no wise words for you, please know that you are in my prayers and that you are NOT a horrible person. We have all thought about the "what if's" in life. Please don't beat yourself up over having these thoughts. emoticon
    2451 days ago
  • MOONGLOWSNANA
    It is very early in your pregnancy. Don't give up hope. Unfortunately all you can do is rest and wait. Rest and know that whatever will be will be. You are stronger than you think. You can handle whatever happens. It's not your fault. Your body will hold onto life if it is at all possible. Have faith. I'm hoping and praying for a good tomorrow.
    2451 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    emoticon emoticon emoticon

    I wish I could say something to make this better, but I am at a loss for words. I'm so sorry you're going through this.

    I hope you can forgive yourself for the mixed emotions you've been having about being pregnant. I've been there myself, and our reactions are sometimes surprising, whether it be life circumstances, hormones, or who knows what else. You are NOT a terrible person at all for feeling how you felt.

    I wish the best for you, and hope you feel better soon, too.
    2451 days ago

    Comment edited on: 8/24/2014 10:15:33 PM
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