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Dueling with Myself!

Monday, September 22, 2014

I'm tough. When I write, watch a movie, read a book or play a video game, in my mind I'm always the hard-shelled, hard-hitting heroine with a sassy wit, tempered with a heart soft as an angel's wing.

The problem is that I'm actually the reverse of that, soft and weak on the outside and in no way fit enough to do the things I love but worst of all my heart has become hardened against anyone that might or might not judge me for my obesity.

When I started this journey, I wasn't even sure if it was possible for me to lose weight. For some reason it was stuck in my head that no matter how little I ate or how often I exercised, I would always weigh 230 lbs.

Fast forward a few years and slowly but surely I've proven to myself that I am able to lose weight. It's been three steps forwards and two steps back, but even at that rate I'm seeing some progress. I'm under 200 lbs now, but again I've hit a plateau.

It's almost as if that part of me that couldn't believe that I could ever lose weight is still lurking there in the background, waiting patiently for the inevitable moment of weakness or distraction to seize upon my insecurities and push me back, time and time again, hoping to put me off balance, swipe my feet from under me, use my own weight to prostrate myself and triumphantly drawing first blood with the twitch of the thin pointed blade against my throat, just hard enough so that I know this is not only a duel of honor but life and death itself.

Too often, my insecurities and overwhelming feelings of inadequacy win out over my new found optimism and hard-won self-confidence. I can't even count the number of times, I've picked myself up out of the dust, sore all over, disgusted with my weakness, blind with unshed tears and biting my lip to keep it from quivering with fear and frustration, but get up I did.

It occurs to me that this is not just a battle, this is a war! But battle by battle, I'm gaining ground. Every time I don't give in, I win. Every time I make a good decision, I win again. I can feel my muscles becoming battle hardened, my wit sharpening gaining the measure of my opponent, my confidence growing with every lunge, parry and riposte. This is a fight to the death against an opponent that knows me so intimately that I can’t feint. There will be no trickery involved here. This duel to the death will be hard won with no little amount of blood, sweat and tears. There is no way around it. I throw down the gauntlet. I step to the line to face my nemesis, my own worst enemy, my former self.

“Je suis prest.” (I am ready.)


“Tulach ard!” (War cry – The High Hill)

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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Great blog! I admire your motivation within! emoticon emoticon
    2457 days ago
    emoticon Bloody Brilliant!, Mo Nighean Donn
    2457 days ago
  • no profile photo CD3892454
    Very emoticon
    I wish you continued success, new Sparkfriend! emoticon
    2457 days ago
    Sounds like a great attitude you have! I remember the old Japanese adage, "Fall down seven times, get up eight"

    Thanks for the friend add....back at 'ya!
    2458 days ago
    Wonderfully articulate post fraught with imagery. I detect a fellow writer.

    I'm struggling with self-sabotage also. Part of it is self image. When I picture myself it's pretty much at my ideal weight, but if I catch sight of myself in a mirror or a store window, it's a shock! Oh, yeah, THAT'S what I look like. Another part is unrealistic expectations. (Head talk here.) Just the thought of losing a lot of weight can elicit anxiety. What will be expected of me then? What will I have to achieve then?

    These are some of my bugaboos; we all have our own. That's what makes losing so difficult. Especially the part where my head has to convince my heart about what's best for me and what I really do deserve.

    Keep up your good work. I know about plateaus, they suck, but you're way ahead of me. I'm barely starting, so you're my hero.
    2458 days ago
    Beautifully and intelligently written. This blog stands on its own two feet with integrity. Plus, who wouldn't be inspired by the Outlander video attached! Je suis prest, indeed.
    emoticon emoticon emoticon
    2459 days ago
    This is a great blog. I voted for it.

    I think it addresses a huge problem that so many of us face.....the deep seated belief that we are just destined/doomed to be whatever we currently are instead of having the ability to change.

    2459 days ago
    It doesn't matter how much weight one has to lose. The things you share are probably true for most Spark folks. I've battled self image for a long time. My weight has fluctuated from being under weight to being over 200. Think has your journey as a lifestyle change and not a diet. Reclaim your health and slowly the voice within will get more muffled.

    "Success is the sum of small effects, repeated day in and day out. " Robert Callien

    Congrats on the weight you lost. Keep charging forward.

    emoticon emoticon
    2459 days ago
    You CAN lose weight. I think if you manage to convince yourself how true this statement is, you'll have a much easier time of it. It's like faeries. You have to *believe* in them, right? You have to *believe* you can do it. Have faith in yourself!

    2459 days ago
    Congratulations for being under 200 pounds. You have lost a lot of weight. Good luck with the fight!
    2460 days ago
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