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Another Fear Coming True Again...

Monday, October 27, 2014

Well, this is a blog I've been putting off for some time. For the past several weeks, I've been experiencing the symptoms of depression… again. I felt it coming on even before my grandmother passed away. It just sort of accelerated after that. I've lost interest in a few of my activities. I’m so very tired all the time. I mean, all the time! I’m tired knowing I shouldn't be tired. I've been prone to bursts of crying here and there. My body doesn't want to do anything anymore. Neither does my brain.

I’m feeling full of self-doubt about my current schooling path. I know once this rocky portion is over, I don’t have to worry about chemistry anymore. In fact, the major science part of this journey is now. I don’t have to do any more science crap in grad school. But, I’m so defeated in my classes. I can do biology very easily. I cannot do chemistry. I’m failing my chemistry class. I have passed only 1 test this entire semester (#’s 5 & 6 are this Wednesday and Friday). I am unable to complete my homework because I simply cannot understand it. I have already asked for help on it from my instructor once and he did help me. I still don’t get it. I had a stress nightmare last night about my inability to complete my homework. I woke up from it at 5 a.m. completely soaked in sweat. Seriously, a stress nightmare about homework?! This is leading me to feel some pretty severe burnout, too.

Before it gets any worse, I've already made an appointment with the school psychologist for this week. Hopefully I can get this under control before I become too crippled by it. So far all I've done is isolate myself during the days and nights. I’m still attending my class as scheduled. I’m still going to church and Bible study. I've been trying to find my bliss in the kitchen. Bible study and church activities are the things I am still taking genuine pleasure in. The people at my church, though just as flawed as I am and with different views within our religion from mine (I’m super liberal and progressive whereas I attend a kinda conservative and somewhat traditional-ish views kinda church) are so warm and full of love. I've never felt that kind of welcoming and true affection in a church before. Despite our differences, I've felt the atmosphere is so refreshing and not at all judgmental. Being with them brings me happiness. I’m so glad to have that part of my life.

Finding distraction and happiness in the kitchen has also been my salvation. Even when my experiments don’t turn out, I’m still glad to be in there. Cooking has always been a state of zen for me. I get into a zone, a groove, a rhythm and the world falls away. It’s just me, a good sharp knife, a pile of veggies, a skillet and maybe some music or a Netflix show for some background noise. The onions and garlic hit the hot olive oil and the house smells like comfort. A few grinds of fresh black pepper… a sprinkle of cinnamon sugar… a drizzle of cream… a smear of this or that… whatever it is. It’s just pleasure and peace. It is what I imagine my heaven to contain. A huge kitchen with a Viking range, all the things KitchenAid or Cuisinart, stainless steel so shiny it’s practically blinding, with a middle island the size of a queen bed to prepare anything I can think of to cook!

One creation from this week: lasagna in a spaghetti squash!

I made a delicious red Thai curry... but I added too much curry paste. It was sinus-clearing spicy! And still good. I ate the crap out of it.

I was doing well with eating and exercise. I went on a very funny and interesting walk with my pastor’s wife, whom I am glad to call a friend. She lives in the country, so we went for a walk among the fields with her little dog, a small boxer named Sammi. Some weird crap goes down in the country!!! I’m pretty sure we witnessed a drug deal from afar. We came upon a cluster of what look like troughs or (in my mind) those cement coffin liners just hanging out at the edge of some unmarked farmer’s road. Inside one of these things we found the decaying remains and partially bleached bones of either an ostrich or an emu. Some sort of huge bird. I mean, really?! What in the hell?!??! And later, as we continued to walk, we came across a mailbox. Nothing around at all, except for this mailbox. Seriously?!?! Who is sending and/or receiving mail out there?!?! There isn't a house around for at least ¾’s of a mile!

Weird sh!t in the country.

I was walking consistently with my friend from church, too. We took a break this week as exhaustion and depression got the best of both of us. She’s dealing with some medical issues that are very scary. It was a little bit of a blessing for me because my left foot has been hurting in the neighborhood of my 3rd through 5th metatarsals and up to my cuboid tarsal. I guess anatomy is coming in handy after all. The rest period seems to have helped it. Anyway, we DID walk the week before and that is when the owls were out. I guess it’s their nesting season ALL OF A SUDDEN. We walked our normal route on Monday without incident and come Friday we were pissing off owls every 30 feet! Sheesh! I can’t wait to see what our walk tomorrow will bring. Will my irrational fear of being swooped by an owl come true? I’ll let you know.

Some p.o.'d owls!

I don’t really have a clean way to wrap this up. There is no conclusion for the time being. I don’t feel like myself. I don’t feel well. I don’t feel normal. And that is that.

Louie loves me.

Roasted a dozen red bell peppers and froze them for future use in delicious things.

Things like roasted red pepper hummus!

Pastor's wife made fruit "nachos" for dessert at Bible study one night. A balance of healthy fruit and decadent toppings. Apples, bananas, and strawberries, with vanilla yogurt, chocolate sauce (homemade), and caramel (homemade), and pecans, granola, and toasted coconut sprinkle.

Turkey patty gyros from scratch on whole wheat flat bread. Spread my roasted red pepper hummus on the bread and topped it with a Greek yogurt dip I improvised. Finished with green leaf lettuce, sliced kalamata olives, and baby peppers.
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Member Comments About This Blog Post
    Wow, your food looks amazing, I dislike cooking intensely, eating, yes, cooking, no! I'm so sorry you've been struggling. Grief is hard to deal with. It bites me on the behind every day, when I least expect it. Sending love, and anti-owl vibes!
    2368 days ago
  • CATS_MEOW_0911
    Jill, I'm so sorry you're struggling, and my words feel so small in trying to provide some comfort. You are a brilliant and beautiful woman; please know I am thinking of you.
    2384 days ago
    Hugs! I'm glad to hear you made an appointment with the councilor; Dealing with grief isn't easy and to add trying to be normal in class is impossible! I hope you can find a way to work it out.....and was in the same boat you find yourself in~I love Biology, but Chemistry was a nightmare! Keep the light at the end of the tunnel burning~you said yourself, that part of your major is almost over.....but if you are failing, might want to step back and take an incomplete???

    On the upside~love how much of a food junkie you are! And always enjoy the pictures you post. emoticon
    2384 days ago
    I'm so sorry you're going through this again, Jill. It's so good that you realize what is happening and set up an appointment. I love that you are still getting out and walking and enjoying time with friends. Sending you so many hugs!
    2384 days ago
    I'm so glad that you've made an appointment with your counselor. in my experience, recognizing what is happening early and taking steps to slow it down or avert it are key.

    Your school journey is tough. Acknowledging that fact, along with a close look at what you've done to this point might help. I remember having three foreign exchange students and the instructor all trying to explain a point to me in high school chemistry. There were all so frustrated that I just couldn't understand!

    Good luck, Jillybean. Everything is going to be okay.
    2385 days ago
    I'm so sorry you are feeling this way - it's great you made an appointment with the school psychologist. And for trying to keep up with the exercise - kudos!

    Chemistry is soooo difficult - hang in there!
    2385 days ago
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