That's how life goes, Up's and Downs. I totally understand that you need to hit the lows to appreciate the highs. But the lows are nearly breaking me, I have lost myself and I have lost joy. I live..I survive. I try to fight back, as thankfully there are two very good reasons for me to fight for.
After being diagnosed with Type 1 Diabetes, suffering from back and sciatica pain to a level where quality of life had totally changed. Three ambulance trips to the hospital as the pain got so bad I couldn't handle it anymore. It actually made childbirth seem relatively easy.
I was placed on the "public waiting list" to see a specialist, the waiting was already over a year, and things were getting worse and worse.
But, the first ambulance rides.... no action, just overnight in the emergency in hospital, being pumped full of morphine to get the pain to a level where I could handle it again.
I started a full time job was successful and seem to manage the pain quite well. Then in a nutshell:
end of June I lose my job
The next day I am in ambulance to hospital with incredible back and sciatica pain
The back of my legs felt completely numb as did my feet and bottom, while I was in the hospital overnight, but no action at first just pain relief.
The next day I ask if I can please use the toilet, in a wheel chair as I could NOT walk! Only to find out the bladder is no longer working.
Finally action, that same night I was transported over to another city and had emergency surgery on my L4/5
After I woke up, I was told I had been diagnosed with
Cauda Equina Syndrome.
All I want to say is, it is a very very cruel injury!
All because it had taken too long to get surgery whilst waiting on the waiting list to get worse and worse so I would get further "up" in the queue.
I stayed in three hospitals, for 41 days. (Mostly in a spinal injury unit)
On the 7th of August I came home, walking with a stick and a whole lot of things in and on my body that is not or half in working order.
Also on the 7th of August my family broke up.
We were still in the same house, but turned out we had to vacate that property in October.
I started 'powering on' .... physio, swimming and extra exercise at home.
The load of "home work" I received from the physio to take home was huge, Every exercise in my book, 100 times.
But I wanted to get strong and fit to look for a job again.
On the 14th of September all went horribly wrong. The pain was already slowly returning but that day, I had a CT scan done, to find out, the same disk was bulging possibly even more than it had before.
Another ambulance ride..... surgery in the same area, which made me wonder what on earth they actually did the first time and my 41 days I have spent in hospitals.
Another 9 days in hospital. (This time my L4/5 disk is totally removed and is fused)
Now my children and I are staying in a friends granny cottage, until I can get myself to a level where I will be strong again to find work. In the country I am I get no benefit as I am a New Zealand citizen. So right now, single mum staying at friends with my kids, trying to manage my type 1 diabetes I was diagnosed with only a year ago, trying to accept and fight against the Cauda Equina Syndrome, healing from a second back surgery in 3 months.
I realize I have hit rockbottom, and I have no idea what the future will bring.
I am back here, to find support, motivation, and inspiration. I don't want pity, that is not what I am looking for. But knowing that supporting each other is what Sparkfriends do.
I need to lose weight again, as being this injured for this long, no exercise, and of course plenty of emotional eating (and drinking) has made me gain weight, and extra weight is the last thing the back needs to heal and get strong.
It feels really good to write it down, thank you for taking the time to read my story.
I hope I am welcomed back while I am trying to pick up the pieces and become the strong woman I once was.